As a parent, I’m deeply saddened by the loss of the children
and educators at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Connecticut. For me,
it taps into my concern for my son’s well-being and all of the fears that have
come up as a father through the years; wanting to protect my son from harm and
to provide a safe space for him to explore and learn about the world and his
place in it.
Because of my relationship to my son and experience as a
parent, I feel sympathy for the parents, siblings, friends and educators – a
kind of shared experience, but really only guessing at the enormity of their
pain. As a parent and citizen, I want to contribute to some practical solutions
to help minimize the chances of this happening again – better yet, to
contribute to a longer-term solution to the problem of violence of all kinds.
As I read & hear the national news related to this
latest massacre, I'm concerned that education in interpersonal communication
skills is not part of the dialogue -- how everyone could benefit from
emotional intelligence, developing language skills of communicating
compassionately.
Adam Lanza, the alleged shooter, needs to be the focus of
the dialogue, as his actions led to the massacre. We can all hope to find clear
evidence as to the cause or motivation behind his actions. He’s reported to
have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, a higher-functioning form of
autism.
Dr. Max Wiznitzer, a pediatric neurologist and autism expert
at Rainbow Babies and Children's Hospital in Cleveland Ohio says that “sometimes
children with autism will get violent because they are sick or frustrated and
unable to communicate how they feel.[1]”
My hypothesis is that Adam had some emotional pain that went
unaddressed for a very long time, and didn’t have the means to process this
pain through language—i.e. he was unable to communicate how he felt.
I propose that education in compassionate communication be part of any
legislative solution intended to reduce violence, which would contribute in
the short-term and longer-term to empowering people at all levels with emotionally
intelligent language skills. Here’s a list of beneficiaries and a brief summary of how it applies:
- 1. Helping the children that survived by acknowledging whatever feelings they have-- e.g. fear, sadness, hurt and anxiety, while helping them get clear with their needs for safety, protection, loss of connection, desires for freedom and play.
- 2. Helping the community of parents and siblings directly affected by the loss of a loved one, by offering them empathic listening, a sense of caring and the chance to mourn one-on-one or in small groups. A clear sense of community support is essential for healing.
- 3. Train school counselors, teachers and administrators compassionate communication skills, so that they can engage all students, but especially those that might be more likely to resort to violence.
- 4. Friends helping friends – one of the people interviewed on the PBS Newshour was Adam’s classmate. He said something like “knowing what I know now [that Adam struggled in social situations], I regret not talking to him more.” Compassionate communication can help friends be there for each other, and empower people to have conversations even when not totally comfortable.
- 5. Parenting is a key role that can be enhanced by compassionate communication. Parents can focus their listening to the needs of their children, and express their own feelings and needs in ways that are more effective.
- 6. Law enforcement can directly benefit, as officers can help to get to the heart of heated issues by listening empathically, and expressing their concerns with respect and dignity for all involved.
- 7. People that have been convicted for various reasons can benefit from compassionate communication, opening the possibility of the justice system becoming restorative and potentially provide healing for victims.
In short, Education in Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication could help society develop more peacefully, productively with reduced violence, and more enjoyment as we empower people with more choices to meet their needs at less cost to society.
If you are moved or inspired by this, please comment and/or help to raise Education in Compassionate Communication as a key element to any legislation related to the shootings or education in general. Consider contacting your congress person, and send them a letter to that effect.
[1] From
CNN website 12/18/12, http://www.cnn.com/2012/12/18/us/connecticut-school-shooting/index.html
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