The Plank, The Speck and Self-Empathy

I am intrigued by something that happened to me yesterday. I had written a speech titled Self-Empathy as a Means to Connection as part of my participation in Toastmasters. As I practiced reciting the words I had written while pacing back and forth in my living room, I realized the content of my speech was very similar to the teachings around the metaphors of the "plank" and the "speck" given by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. Granted, I had written about these similarities in my book project, but my intention of the speech was different - more to inform than to persuade. I was inspired to include the insight in my speech as this helped to meet needs for meaning and discovery. Part of the challenge of Toastmasters, is to write and deliver a speech in 4 to 6 minutes. Here are the points I was trying to make:

• Empathy is the process of being with someone in their experience; a kind of respectful listening from the heart which acknowledges their feelings and needs.
• It is difficult to be empathetic with someone else, if we are not aware of our own heart experience going into the conversation. Our own emotions would get in the way of our being present with the other person, unless we have already acknowledged our own feelings and needs.
• In NVC, the process of getting clear with our own heart is called "self-empathy", and contains four elements: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs and 4.Requests.
• As such, self-empathy is a means to connection, a stepping stone in connecting with someone else.

Here are the words of Jesus from the bible, followed with my brief commentary on the parallels to NVC.

• "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matt 1-2 NIV)

Here, Jesus makes that point that judging others, also affects us - the judge. The implication of not judging is that we are invited to accept others in love (not agreeing, just accepting) - the points about love, acceptance and mutuality are covered in different parts of his sermon. In NVC, this is called Observation.

• "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matt 7:3-5 NIV)

Jesus makes that point that we can't help our brother with their issue, if we have our own issues getting in the way. It doesn't make sense to try to help them, if/when we have our own stuff with us in the moment. He seems to be saying something like: You silly dude, take care of your heart before trying to help your brother; then, you will have enough presence to help them with their problems.

This is exactly the point I was trying to make in my speech -- that we can't really connect with someone if we haven't taken care of our own heart stuff. It is very interesting what he says a couple of verses afterward:

• "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7 NIV)

Jesus very clearly is inviting us to ask for what we want, as it will help us find what we seek. In NVC, this is called making a Request.

Wow! Is that cool or what? I feel like I've discovered a treasure, as both NVC and Jesus' teachings have helped me find clarity and joy... (more of that's in my book).

So, I gave my speech without notes, which you can see in the video below.



The speech was well-received, and I'm generally happy with it, though there are a few things I would tweak... (practice, practice, practice). Part of the constructive feedback for improvement was:

* Define empathy more clearly in relation to self-empathy
* Clarify the outline, especially around: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs, 4.Requests
* Don't mention that you are nervous (though for me, that's a perfect example of the value of self-empathy)

I'm curious to hear other people's reactions to what I've written, or what's on the video - around my needs for connection, learning and community. Would you be willing to comment on what came up for you?