Blog about my experiences as I use a language of the heart. "Compassionate Connecting" describes my intention to facilitate communication and contribute to deepening relationships between people, within groups and organizations through the practice of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) james.prieto@compassionateconnecting.com
What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)? NVC invites language awareness based on work by Marshall Rosenberg that is sometimes called compassionate communication. Its purpose is to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion in others and to respond compassionately to others and to ourselves. NVC guides us to reframe how we express ourselves and hear others by focusing on what we are observing, feeling,needing and requesting (OFNR).
The author describes the Way of Christ through Nonviolent Communication (NVC). The teachings of Jesus exemplify values of love, mutual respect, responsibility and compassion. This text is a guide showing how NVC facilitates living in integrity with these values.
Many personal stories demonstrate how a Christ follower can use NVC to turn troubled relationships into joy-filled connections. This book is an invitation for the reader to rediscover Christian principles and apply them in everyday communication—to experience the treasures Jesus taught us by transforming our relationships with compassionate connecting, ultimately partaking in the spirit-filled life.
Reviews
“'Blessed are the peacemakers,' Jesus said. The work of peacemaking begins with each of us learning to communicate compassionately. Jaime Prieto offers just the kind of practical, down-to-earth guidance we need.”
Brian D. McLaren, author of The Secret Message of Jesus, A New Kind of Christian, and Everything Must Change
“What a marvelous combination of very practical wisdom from Scripture, psychology, justice work, personal experience, and even the arts! This is the kind of book that people need today to … get started, to keep going, and to keep going deeper. Thank you for your own compassion, Jaime Prieto!”
Fr. Richard Rohr, OFM, Center for Action and Contemplation, Albuquerque, New Mexico
“If you’ve ever wondered how NVC fits with traditional Christianity, I recommend Mr. Prieto’s insightful book!”
Mary Mackenzie, CNVC Certified Trainer and Cofounder, NVC Academy
"...the inspired efforts of a Christian helped by NVC who wants to share his experience with the world and help people better their lives... More meditation than guidebook, Prieto’s work is compelling, motivating and useful..."
Irene Roth: "...is a motivating and inspiring book that is written tenderly but seriously. Prieto offers an innovative and completely fresh look at some of the most important teachings of Christ that are life-serving and nonjudgmental...I believe that Prieto’s book may even save a few marriages, and given the high incidence of divorce, this book is a great contribution."
Dad-of-Divas: "...I have to say that the book is a great combination of practical wisdom from Scripture and many other fields. What I liked was that the book went deep and asked questions to make you think deeper..."
Kirkus Reviews: "...the inspired efforts of a Christian helped by NVC who wants to share his experience with the world and help people better their lives... More meditation than guidebook, Prieto’s work is compelling, motivating and useful..."
I am intrigued by something that happened to me yesterday. I had written a speech titled Self-Empathy as a Means to Connection as part of my participation in Toastmasters. As I practiced reciting the words I had written while pacing back and forth in my living room, I realized the content of my speech was very similar to the teachings around the metaphors of the "plank" and the "speck" given by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. Granted, I had written about these similarities in my book project, but my intention of the speech was different - more to inform than to persuade. I was inspired to include the insight in my speech as this helped to meet needs for meaning and discovery. Part of the challenge of Toastmasters, is to write and deliver a speech in 4 to 6 minutes. Here are the points I was trying to make:
Empathy is the process of being with someone in their experience; a kind of respectful listening from the heart which acknowledges their feelings and needs.
It is difficult to be empathetic with someone else, if we are not aware of our own heart experience going into the conversation. Our own emotions would get in the way of our being present with the other person, unless we have already acknowledged our own feelings and needs.
In NVC, the process of getting clear with our own heart is called "self-empathy", and contains four elements: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs and 4.Requests.
As such, self-empathy is a means to connection, a stepping stone in connecting with someone else.
Here are the words of Jesus from the bible, followed with my brief commentary on the parallels to NVC.
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matt 1-2 NIV)
Here, Jesus makes that point that judging others, also affects us - the judge. The implication of not judging is that we are invited to accept others in love (not agreeing, just accepting) - the points about love, acceptance and mutuality are covered in different parts of his sermon. In NVC, this is called Observation.
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matt 7:3-5 NIV)
Jesus makes that point that we can't help our brother with their issue, if we have our own issues getting in the way. It doesn't make sense to try to help them, if/when we have our own stuff with us in the moment. He seems to be saying something like: You silly dude, take care of your heart before trying to help your brother; then, you will have enough presence to help them with their problems.
This is exactly the point I was trying to make in my speech -- that we can't really connect with someone if we haven't taken care of our own heart stuff. It is very interesting what he says a couple of verses afterward:
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7 NIV)
Jesus very clearly is inviting us to ask for what we want, as it will help us find what we seek. In NVC, this is called making a Request.
Wow! Is that cool or what? I feel like I've discovered a treasure, as both NVC and Jesus' teachings have helped me find clarity and joy... (more of that's in my book).
So, I gave my speech without notes, which you can see in the video below.
The speech was well-received, and I'm generally happy with it, though there are a few things I would tweak... (practice, practice, practice). Part of the constructive feedback for improvement was:
* Define empathy more clearly in relation to self-empathy * Clarify the outline, especially around: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs, 4.Requests * Don't mention that you are nervous (though for me, that's a perfect example of the value of self-empathy)
I'm curious to hear other people's reactions to what I've written, or what's on the video - around my needs for connection, learning and community. Would you be willing to comment on what came up for you?
Woke up early this morning, just like I have been for the past month or so. This time, it was still dark outside; I got up after realizing that sleeping was hopeless. I made a cup of coffee and went on to my balcony to enjoy the sights and sounds. Birds singing, crows squawking, and the pine trees just stood there as if saying:
"Yeah, thanks for stopping by - Where have you been? We've been waiting for you."
And then God dimmed the lights on, showing the purple of a jacaranda tree beginning to flower. Ahhh...
I've been pretty energized this year; so much that I've been waking up earlier than usual. I'm excited to work on my book, to get it ready for publishing -- the book project is helping me to meet needs for meaningful expression in the hopes of contributing to the well-being of others.
On Friday, I printed the "good enough" version of the manuscript and sent it out to some authors, pastors and NVC trainers -- hoping that they'll like it enough that they'll tell their friends, and give me a supporting "blurb".
Given that I'm in the third trimester of the book's development (it does sort of feel like a baby to me), I don't have much to do in terms of writing while the editors work on it some more. Writing, it seems, is more of a community project than I had realized; while much of the raw stuff of the book was typed by me, lots of people's comments go into shaping the final product.
This inertia of editing woke me up, so I had time for writing this blog post. I'm also realizing that its been a while since I've been out to the mountains alone; they seem to be calling me too. I'm pondering whether a backpack trip is in my immediate future or not. The time seems right; I need to unplug for a bit. Immersing myself in nature, away from the city helps me to hear God's voice more clearly...
I spent last weekend in the mountains with old friends, and got to make some new ones. We attended workshops, meetings, practiced self-care, and played a lot.
My favorite workshop invited us to consider our artistic identities, and how we could use creative expression as a means to grow and contribute to the well-being of others.
At the meetings, I enjoyed people's openness and willingness to be honest with their heart meeting needs for authenticity, honesty and belonging, as we all are trying to find health and life alone and together.
I got to practice self-care by getting a massage, taking naps, going in the hot-tub, and waking up before dawn to watch God fade the lights on while I practiced Tai Chi.
We all played through singing, drumming and dancing together. But my favorite activity was the "Talent/No-talent" show. I was surprised at how much fun this was for me, and how much "Talent" showed up in the room - several of us commented on how the "No-talent" was missing; but I think it was more about being authentic with our play and showing up to be ourselves in front of a bunch of other people.
I signed up to read a poem I had written a few years ago called "The Well". I was telling myself that "it was too long" and feeling some anxiety around that -- as I gave myself empathy, I realized that I was wanting to contribute aliveness and flow through my poem, and I was also wanting to show mutual consideration to the other participants given that there were so many. After sharing my honesty with the MC, and with the group, I read the poem to the audience; this was the first time I had ever read this poem in front of anyone. I took my time reading it, and pausing after each phrase allowing absorption to take place. I could hear my own voice echoing in the room (I love to speak into a microphone). I got a little chocked up around the verse that described living water exposing all the gold, as my needs for meaning, contribution and beauty were stimulated. As I finished, I felt joy, support from my friends, a sense of accomplishment, and celebrated the peace that I helped to create.
At the end of the retreat, we all gathered in a circle to celebrate the joys of the weekend and mourn our return to normal life. I was moved by all of the beauty in the room. It was fun for me to harvest the heart stuff, reminding everyone that we get to take it home with us -- we had access to it any time we wanted. I felt the joy of contribution, belonging and community -- part of the gold that I uncovered this weekend.
I've wanted to blog for a while, but the truth is that most of my time is going toward editing my book. It's coming along well, just slower than I originally anticipated. Also, my engineering job has taken much of my free time lately, though I still manage to do a little bit each morning.
I've enlisted the support of my friends, and I'm getting tremendously valuable feedback. The neat thing is that I am getting a better book out of the process, while at the same time getting clearer with my own thinking as I engage them in conversation. I am grateful for all of the support I am getting.
The new book title is "The Joy of Compassionate Connecting - Healing our Heart Through Christ". My goal is to have the next revision out by June, and to send manuscripts to some a couple of published authors who I hope will support my efforts.
I'd like to publish the book by October of this year. I need to find a publisher sometime this summer. I know I can self publish, but I also want to explore other options. Please let me know if you have any ideas.
I know those are aggressive goals, especially given that this is my first book. Please pray for continued guidance, flow and inspiration from the Holy Spirit.
My domain expired while I was focused on other things... it was painful, expensive, and complicated, but it's back!
If you sent any email to me during this time, I didn't receive it. Darn, I guess I need to pay attention to my admin account. Hopefully, things will go better next year.
Quick Update: The book editing is coming along well, though its taking longer than I had hoped. I'm enlisting some support. I have a new title that will remain super-top secret until later on.
I woke up this morning with the question: "Can Empathy Save this Country?"
I was watching the PBS NewsHour with Jim Lehrer last night, which is something I do most nights, because I enjoy seeing both sides of an issue. I came to the conclusion that I was tired of all of the bad news, especially the "bickering" in Washington. I have better things to do with my time than to waste it on what I am telling myself is a "lost cause". I usually stay away from political issues because they seem so focused on strategies, whereas I am more interested in connection -- which requires that the strategies be laid aside for a while.
Letting go of the outcome is something that our culture does not teach, except perhaps in 12-step recovery and NVC circles. It is essential for the survival of this country that the people elected to office, connect to each other across the party lines. Otherwise, I think, we are doomed to failure -- Our 234 year experiment in democracy will go bankrupt -- both spiritually and financially.
I find it interesting that the Obama Administration got elected on a sound-bite of "Empathy" for the people they serve, but they don't seem to realize that it's also required with the people they serve with -- all members of Congress. Actually, it doesn't surprise me that the politicians I see on TV don't seem to know that Empathy is a process, and not a destination. Empathy is a process of discovering the heart needs of both sides of an issue while letting go of the solution. Empathy is a process where both sides get to speak their truth while the other listens for the heart needs of the other, and reflects back what they heard. At some point, they switch roles and the other side gets to speak while the other listens and reflects back what they heard.
I decided that it might be helpful to list some of the heart needs for Health Care Reform as I see them. Remember, at this point we are trying to connect to the heart needs on both sides, while letting go of the specific strategies to solve the issue.
The Republicans seem to want a place at the table, respect, to be heard, and to contribute to the health care process. Another way to say this is they want mutuality, to be treated with the same dignity as the Democrats treat each other. I have heard that they are concerned, perhaps even scared because they want to effectively utilize the resources available to them, the means by which this country is supported financially. I'm also guessing that they are afraid of loosing their own means for supporting themselves. The Republicans also want to matter, to have an impact and their part in helping this country succeed in meeting the needs of the people.
The Democrats seem to want to contribute more directly to the health and well-being of the people they serve. They are excited because they finally have a place at the table, have a chance to be heard, and to more directly contribute to the legislation that will serve to do so. They are also trying to balance needs, and to efficiently use the resources available to them -- the financial support that the government receives from the people. They are also trying to meet needs of responsibility, and integrity by clearly defining how they intend to pay for their health care strategy. I'm also guessing that they are afraid of loosing their own means for supporting themselves. The Democrats also want to matter, to have an impact and their part in helping this country succeed in meeting the needs of the people.
The heart needs that I have listed here are universal -- all human beings have these needs and values at one time or another. In my opinion, we could all benefit if individuals from both sides of the isle were to get together and go through the process of Empathy. Given that they don't have much experience in doing so, they would probably use some help from people who know how to facilitate Empathy.
My experience tells me that admitting that there is a problem, and asking for help is not something that comes easy, especially to elected officials. I, for one, would enjoy contributing to this dialog, and know of others that could help.
I had a lot of fun blogging last year. Writing helped me get clear with a lot of the concepts I dealt with, and how they relate to others. So, on May 15, 2009, I started writing a book which I hope to publish this year. The title of the book is
Grace and Truth Compassionate Communication for Christ Followers
Here's the draft of the Foreword:
My intention for this book is to contribute to increasing the quality of relationships of my readers through an integration of what I believe to be the heart of Christianity with Compassionate Communication (CC); CC is also known as “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg. This book is based on my experience and understanding. I have found that the core teachings of Jesus are essential for living a full life, and Compassionate Communication gives me a framework for putting its principals into practice; both are about becoming aware of my internal dialog so that I can be present to myself and others. I see this integration as a “spiritual discipline” of love in conversation.
I found this discipline to be somewhat difficult at first, though it became easier the more I practiced. I have participated in small groups of many kinds. The tools and philosophy in this book could be helpful in all of them, as well as in intimate relationships, the workplace, friendships, families, the teaching profession, healthcare, law enforcement, governance, and just being human. In short, it applies to any situation in which people interact and communicate.
For those who are Christian, this book will remind you of the principals of Christianity, and introduce some ways of putting them into practice. For those who are “spiritual but not religious” that would like to increase the quality and depth of connection in your lives as well as contribute to more harmony and peace in the world, this book can serve as a foundation for understanding Christians and finding common ground. This book is also for those who do not want to be identified as “Christian”, but who find inspiration in the message of Jesus. I have found that experiencing the consciousness of Christ can bring a level of healing and fulfillment where I experience awe, joy and sometimes deep sadness – all of which add to the depth of my life experience.
This book is less about intellectual Bible study than it is about applying its teachings to conversation. It is less about “belief”, and more about the practical application of the teachings of Christ. It is less about “doctrine” than about living in harmony with the values of Christ. It is definitely not about “rules contained in the law” – it is about the freedom to live in integrity, where one’s inside matches the outside. This book is about an invitation to participate and share in the loving creative expression of the gift of life, and occasionally using words to describe it.
I encourage you the reader to work the exercises, to answer and discuss the questions at the end of each chapter, and to join a Compassionate Communication practice group. My hope is that you too will find the clarity and fulfillment that I have found by following the heart & mind of Christ, and to experience his spirit of love in all of your relationships.
