Mourning the Loss at Sandy Hook Elementary and Considering Education in Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication as a Part of Any Legislation

As a parent, I’m deeply saddened by the loss of the children and educators at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Connecticut. For me, it taps into my concern for my son’s well-being and all of the fears that have come up as a father through the years; wanting to protect my son from harm and to provide a safe space for him to explore and learn about the world and his place in it.

Because of my relationship to my son and experience as a parent, I feel sympathy for the parents, siblings, friends and educators – a kind of shared experience, but really only guessing at the enormity of their pain. As a parent and citizen, I want to contribute to some practical solutions to help minimize the chances of this happening again – better yet, to contribute to a longer-term solution to the problem of violence of all kinds.

As I read & hear the national news related to this latest massacre, I'm concerned that education in interpersonal communication skills is not part of the dialogue -- how everyone could benefit from emotional intelligence, developing language skills of communicating compassionately.

Adam Lanza, the alleged shooter, needs to be the focus of the dialogue, as his actions led to the massacre. We can all hope to find clear evidence as to the cause or motivation behind his actions. He’s reported to have been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, a higher-functioning form of autism.

Dr. Max Wiznitzer, a pediatric neurologist and autism expert at Rainbow Babies and Children's Hospital in Cleveland Ohio says that “sometimes children with autism will get violent because they are sick or frustrated and unable to communicate how they feel.[1]” 

My hypothesis is that Adam had some emotional pain that went unaddressed for a very long time, and didn’t have the means to process this pain through language—i.e. he was unable to communicate how he felt.

I propose that education in compassionate communication be part of any legislative solution intended to reduce violence, which would contribute in the short-term and longer-term to empowering people at all levels with emotionally intelligent language skills. Here’s a list of beneficiaries and a brief summary of how it applies:

• 1.       Helping the children that survived by acknowledging whatever feelings they have-- e.g. fear, sadness, hurt and anxiety, while helping them get clear with their needs for safety, protection, loss of connection, desires for freedom and play.
• 2.       Helping the community of parents and siblings directly affected by the loss of a loved one, by offering them empathic listening, a sense of caring and the chance to mourn one-on-one or in small groups. A clear sense of community support is essential for healing.
• 3.       Train school counselors, teachers and administrators compassionate communication skills, so that they can engage all students, but especially those that might be more likely to resort to violence.
• 4.       Friends helping friends – one of the people interviewed on the PBS Newshour was Adam’s classmate. He said something like “knowing what I know now [that Adam struggled in social situations], I regret not talking to him more.” Compassionate communication can help friends be there for each other, and empower people to have conversations even when not totally comfortable.
• 5.       Parenting is a key role that can be enhanced by compassionate communication. Parents can focus their listening to the needs of their children, and express their own feelings and needs in ways that are more effective.
• 6.       Law enforcement can directly benefit, as officers can help to get to the heart of heated issues by listening empathically, and expressing their concerns with respect and dignity for all involved.
• 7.       People that have been convicted for various reasons can benefit from compassionate communication, opening the possibility of the justice system becoming restorative and potentially provide healing for victims.

 
In short, Education in Compassionate (Nonviolent) Communication could help society develop more peacefully, productively with reduced violence, and more enjoyment as we empower people with more choices to meet their needs at less cost to society.

If you are moved or inspired by this, please comment and/or help to raise Education in Compassionate Communication as a key element to any legislation related to the shootings or education in general. Consider contacting your congress person, and send them a letter to that effect.

---

[1] From CNN website 12/18/12, http://www.cnn.com/2012/12/18/us/connecticut-school-shooting/index.html

The Spirit of Christmas – or should we call it “Giftmas”?

As I celebrated an early Christmas with my family over the Thanksgiving holiday, I had something come up around what it all means to me. As a few of us exchanged gifts; I felt a sense of joy for being together sharing a family tradition, but at the same time uncomfortable – yet not sure exactly why. I realized that I needed more clarity around my discomfort, so decided to step back and ponder. This is what came out of that process.

For me, the spirit of Christmas is primarily a celebration of Jesus’ values of “loving your neighbor as yourself,” and even a more radical invitation to “love your enemies.”  

Somehow, in my family and in our wider Western culture family, we have chosen to celebrate Christmas by buying and exchanging gifts—things that are made by someone else, usually in a far away country, so it has lots of hidden costs to the environment—AND—it is so impersonal. When I think about the strategy of gift giving I feel sad and disappointed because it misses so much for me.

I acknowledge that some people do express their love through giving gifts, but there are so many other ways to express love—why just focus on buying and giving gifts? 

Perhaps we could consider sharing our love in smaller ways that are more organic, environmentally friendly and connecting. We could start with the people closest to us, or perhaps adopt the radical idea of giving to people you don’t really know, before giving to those closest to you. Consider the many options for expressing our love by means that do not involve the usual gift buying/giving:

• Inviting a friend out for coffee, lunch or diner
• Giving some money to the people who ask
• Calling a friend over the phone and connecting with them from the heart
• Helping someone you know with one of their projects
• Giving money to people who are struggling financially
• Buying groceries for someone who is struggling financially
• Paying for the groceries for the person in front of you, or behind you
• Writing a note to the people we care about, letting them know we are thinking about them or why we cared to write
• Writing a note to dear friends on their FB page
• If you’ve lent money to a friend, consider canceling the debt
• Sending a donation to your favorite charity
• Contributing financially or serving at a food kitchen

As I look around my home, closet and garage, I find myself wanting less stuff not more—related to my needs for clarity and freedom—so please, do not buy me anything.  This year, I’m breaking tradition by giving things that can’t be bought at a store. For me, it resonates as being closer to the spirit of Christmas. I’m curious to hear what comes up for you around this?

My Burning Man Experience

Imagine a world in which you are deeply accepted and encouraged to fully express yourself, in whatever form you choose… and in this world, people give you food, drink and fun stuff -- money does not play a role, and in fact is frowned upon.  Gifting is a way of life here. Workshops, art exhibits, dances and all sorts of gatherings are free. In this world, you can show up to the party alone, dance alone and yet be in the midst of the heart of the celebration.  This is also a world in which you are responsible for your health and well-being, getting enough food and rest, protecting yourself from the elements and setting your own agenda for the day. There are practically no rules, and yet everybody treats each other with respect and consideration—from a place of authentic desire. You are responsible for your own experience, and to give others the space to have their own too… this in short of the vision of Burning Man.

This is why I chose to facilitate a five-day Compassionate Connecting workshop series, because the environment is congruent with universal values of acceptance, radical self-expression and exploration, and the people attending are open to receiving it. In fact, my experience was that participants were hungry for the clarity and flow supported by NVC.

--I've been pondering my burn experience and beginning to question some of my assumptions about life... I'm torn around my ability to support myself while doing the things I find meaningful in life surrounding NVC--so I'm walking a line in two worlds right now.

One of the highlights of my burn was my greeting from our community leader Matheo--his embrace and eye contact welcomed me into a sense of belonging and community that I didn't expect—a sense of “welcome home.” I was deeply touched by this, expressed my gratitude to him and got to vent some of my sadness surrounding the “other world.”  He resonated energetically and offered me the name "Cauldron" as he pointed to the fire cauldron next to us, as a symbol for my ability to hold space for healing and connection.

I was fortunate enough to have been invited to camp near the center of the Red Lightning community, met needs for beauty, peace and enabled me to help hold space for the intention of harmony and growth for the community.

Another nightly highlight for me was hoping on my bike and going dancing to various places. I enjoyed the sense of adventure, self-expression and freedom around the whole thing--I miss this and am helping to recreate it out here...

Getting up before sunrise on Friday and going to the Temple of Transition was memorable, meeting needs for adventure, beauty and healing.

I got to practice my Tai Chi slow set on the Playa in front of the temple.

My favorite highlight of the trip was filling up the Rite of Passage Dome on Saturday morning before the burn, connecting to all participants present, and having the sense of resonance and understanding alive in the space. Totally met needs for contribution, hope and meaning. Rosy, my companion giraffe was with me throughout the journey-providing support and playfulness.

I had the opportunity to “strike” the Red Lightning camp, which means to help take everything down. I was surprised at how fun it was to work with the community toward a common goal—and how much I enjoyed using my hand tools. Interacting in this way is something I look forward to next time I go.

I’m feeling hopeful that humanity will continue evolving, growing into a greater harmony and mutuality, where people are considerate of each other’s needs. Burning Man seems to be a place where we can try on new things, and explore different societal norms outside of the competitive structures of a market based economy. I’m open to going again next year, though we’ll see what’s alive for me in the summer months. My focus right now is on facilitating NVC-based Christ consciousness—perhaps there’s a place for both to continue…

A reflection on “Living the spiritual truths of Thoreau”

I've been enjoying "a true moment of serendipity" with Raymond J. Rundus, Emeritus Professor at UNC. As part of my marketing campaign, I contracted with a media company to send out my press release. One of the respondents to this effort was Mr. Rundus. A few weeks had passed after I sent him a paperback, when I received a note from him informing me that he had begun reading my book with interest and came upon a name that was familiar to him.

In the acknowledgments section of the book, I listed my college composition II teacher Walt Klarner for having contributed "to shifting my attitude toward writing so writing became enjoyable." It turns out that Prof. Rundus was Chairman of the English Department at the College of Emporia from 1968 to 1970, while Mr. Klarner was getting his degree. "Walt," as he insisted his students call him, inspired me with his "outside the box" teaching style, his music (he played piano for my choir and the London Symphony Orchestra at 15 yrs. old), and especially that he treated me and his students with enthusiasm, respect and a sense of mutuality. He invited us to "go deeper inside" into "the marrow of our being" (or something like that).

Up and until that time, my educational interests rested only in math and science. Walt helped to bridge the gap between technology and English by being the first teacher I ever had that insisted that all of our work be done on the computer, and had to be submitted in electronic format—while this may not be a big deal today, it was definitely "cutting edge" back in the early 1980’s. Ever since then, I've been writing directly into a word-processor, which has supported clarity, a sense of ease with my writing, and efficient use of time. Besides my book, other areas that were influenced by my new writing skills are my two degrees in electrical and computer engineering from KU, numerous US patents for communications related inventions, various technical documents and papers, and the joy of simply taking a pen to paper in my journal.

Mr. Rundus wrote an editorial piece on my book for The Sandspur (PDF here). Here’s a note that I wrote in reply, which highlights what came up for me as I read it:

-----------------

Dear Raymond,

Thank you for sending the newspaper clippings. There's something special about the touch, feel and smell of the real thing--and your scribble on the top of the page; it reminds me that there's a real world out there beyond my computer screen. I liked it so much that I scanned it and placed it on my website under the "Read more" label. I'm saddened that the touch, feel and smell can't be part of the PDF--yet I'm guessing that it might help some to remember them!

I found it poignant that your first article mentioned the "Second Life" virtual world along with mine--almost direct opposites that emphasize mind and heart connections respectively. I'm guessing you are feeling some alarm with the former--around community needs not met authentically? Very interesting juxtaposition of ideas. I enjoyed how you finished that one with the "human" moment of serendipity.

I got excited as I read the title of the second one "Living the spiritual truths of Thoreau." I have always been a naturalist, feeling at home outside with a special love for trees and green hills. Interesting that one of the early supporters of my book is a Franciscan priest Fr. Richard Rohr--St. Francis as you know was an early spiritual naturalist at heart. By way of coincidence (perhaps), I am going on a five day men's retreat next month organized by Fr. Rohr...

I was especially touched that you captured my purpose in the epilogue... there seems to be a lot at stake in the current state of our world--I am alarmed at the prevalent disconnection from our hearts. My book is an invitation to go back in--to the Garden through the teachings of Christ.

Wondering how the words in this message resonate in the cavity of your being?

Warmly,

James Prieto

-----------------

Walt opened my eyes to a new world of exploration, adventure and meaning through the written word. I celebrate Walt's contributions to me, Mr. Rundus’ contributions to Walt, and I imagine the thousands of people that both of them have touched with throughout their careers. And so, I use this global medium to express my gratitude and appreciation to them.

Thank you!

The PDF review of my book by Raymond J. Rundus is available here. An online version is also available from the FayObserver.