Shoveling Snow

I spent the holidays in Kansas City with my family, and especially with my father who is ill because his lungs are not functioning properly. It snowed a couple of inches a few days back and I had the opportunity to shovel snow from my father's driveway. I had planned on doing it after breakfast on my own, but was surprised to hear the conversation in my head after my father asked me to do it. I'm not sure if it was the way in which he asked in this instance, or the ways in which he asked in the past, but my first internal reaction was of resistance. I was annoyed and wanting the autonomy to make my own choices, and disappointment because I was hoping to surprise him. After I slowed down and acknowledged my internal dialog, I was able to return to the state of wanting to do it --> to contribute to the household and well-being of my family.

So, I shoveled snow while feeling joy and getting some needed exercise at the same time. And because I have never shoveled snow with joy before, I asked my sister to snap a few photos of me and I shot a few myself. I figured that joyfully shoveling snow was something worth celebrating!

An Evening of Compassionate Connecting

I'm sitting in my living room, in the glow of a party that I co-hosted with Craig last night. We had the intention to create the space for community to happen and it did. We started by sharing a meal, where everyone brought something to share. I enjoyed the physical manifestation of abundance, and snapped a few photos - I was overwhelmed with the food options available; a foreshadowing of things to come.

After dinner, we gathered in a circle in my living room. It was a little too warm for a fire in the fireplace, but it represented the warmth that we were hoping to achieve. As Craig described it, "we are creating the space in the fire pit, it is up to all of us to put in a log". The room was lit by a dozen or so small white tea-light candles. People were sitting in chairs, love seats, pillows and floor chairs. The city outside my window also provided some twinkling from the houses below the hill on which I live.

We used the Native American Indian strategy of a "talking stick" to remind everyone that only one's persons needs are on the table at one time. To further symbolize this, we placed a set of cards with different needs inscribed on them on a coffee table in the middle of our circle. Craig kept track of time, reminding the speaker with the sound of a bell when 3 minutes were up, and another minute or so to wrap up. After a person was done speaking, they asked who would like to share next, and chose to whom to give the talking stick.

The invitation was for people to talk about what was happening for them in their life right now (i.e. what's alive in them), and perhaps to share something creative and original. Craig and I were concerned at the "large number" of 20 or so people in the circle as we wanted to hear from everybody, but not sure if the group would be able to hold the space that long. We were pleasantly surprised at how the space was held for as long as it did, around an hour and three-quarters.

After our connecting circle time, we snapped a couple of group photos and then danced!

So, I am feeling warmly joyful as my needs for contribution were met, for the connection, community and belonging I experienced, for the opportunity of being heard and known, for the fun of all the humor, the play of dancing, and for the spontaneous back-rubs I received and gave back. I am deeply grateful for our collective shared desire of coming together to celebrate and mourn life as it presents itself, also meeting my needs for authenticity. All of these things contribute to meeting my needs for love, and sharing love with others brings meaning to my life. And that is worth celebrating!!!

Balancing Empathy and Honesty

I have recently come to appreciate the importance of balancing empathy and honesty*. I seem to be pre-disposed to offering empathy due to my upbringing. I suppose that its a good thing to start with empathy because it seems to lead to a connection more frequently than when I start with honesty (especially when I express my honesty with judgment, blame and criticism).

* Empathy is listening for the feelings and needs of another person -- sometimes asking if our guesses are correct.
Honesty is expressing our own observations, feelings and needs (using "I" statements) -- after having listened internally to what's happening for ourselves (i.e. giving ourselves empathy).

I have come to realize that I sometimes experience anxiety at giving honesty out of a belief (things that I tell myself are true) that if I am honest, that other needs like connection, intimacy and closeness will go unmet. While those needs could go unment after expressing my honesty (and they did for a portion of my childhood), I had made a "cause-effect hypothesis" binding me to believe that the outcome of honesty meant emotional distance.

It has been interesting for me to note that as an adult, I was participating in relationships which sustained this pattern, that while it really wasn't meeting my needs for connection and intimacy in a consistent way, that the pattern itself was comfortable in its predictability. I couldn't see my role because I was in it -- like being inside a box and not knowing it.

So, in the past, my strategy was to suppress my honesty in an effort to influence the possibility of continuing to get these needs met -- I describe it now as "an effort to buy love." I found that as a result, this strategy generated resentment leading to anger which accumulated inside waiting for the opportunity to come out. And when it did, I made sure that the people closest to me paid a price. Ouch!

So, the cycle** appears to be:
1. propensity to give empathy without honesty (i.e. meeting the needs of others at the expense of my own)
2. external action on my part that is not consistent with my internal heart (i.e. done out of duty, obligation or to buy love)
3. internal resentment leads to accumulating anger
4. act of violence where others are made to pay a price
5. feelings of guilt and shame
6. repeat the cycle in an endless loop of insanity

As I became aware of the pattern by listening to my internal world, I am better able to make requests of myself to make different choices. These days, I am hearing my need for honesty, and also hearing the anxiety of loosing connection with those closest to me. After hearing my own truth, I am making requests of myself leading to different choices; especially expressing my honesty in ways that have the possibility of connection at the end.

Expressing my honesty with "I" statements, ending with a clear and present request to the other person: "I observe that ______ . I'm feeling ______ because I'm needing ______ . Would you be willing to ______ ?"

I have learned that "letting go of the outcome" is vital to my sanity, makes connections more likely, and it allows me to be open to abundant possibilities that come to life. I feel hope, delight and passion as it meets my needs for freedom to express my truth, balanced with the grace of empathy.

That freedom is something that I like to celebrate. It brings me joy to invite others into having this kind of conversation, as it meets my needs for contribution, connection and meaning.

I feel even more inspired as I remember what Yeshua said, "If you follow my teaching, then you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

** I am indebted to Jim and Jori Manske for pointing out this general pattern at the December 07 IIT.

In The Beginning

Every now and then, I go back to reading a collection of books which inspire me. I was preparing for a workshop, and thinking of ways of laying the foundation for communicating compassionately, and I thought of the creation story of the book of Genesis.

I was surprised at what I found, as it beautifully captured the spirit of what I was trying to say. I encourage you to listen for the heart behind the words (i.e in NVC circles, the invitation is to "put on your giraffe ears" – to hear the feelings and needs being expressed).

This is just my experience -- what I hear when I read them. You, of course, may have a completely different experience. I added “italics” to words that have special significance, to be recalled later.

1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

· I hear a separateness that is longing for unity and communion. I am curious as to why...

2 The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.

· I experience a longing for form and fullness.

· I hear the "darkness" calling for light.

· I hear a spirit of adventure, an enjoyment of what is currently there - earth and water - this formless and empty space which hungers for something to fill it.

3 Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

· Part of the longing for fullness comes from this new "light".

· This light can also be a metaphor for knowledge, related to the Greek “Logos”

4a And God saw that the light was good.

· The heart of God experienced something like joy at its creation; maybe it’s more of a statement of celebration, acknowledgment of the unique value of "light" as opposed to "darkness."

4b Then he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day" and the darkness "night." And evening passed and morning came, marking the first day.

· As the darkness and light were separated, a pattern of things to come was being acknowledged; perhaps it could be called “balance”?

6 Then God said, “Let there be a space between the waters, to separate the waters of the heavens from the waters of the earth.” 7 And that is what happened. God made this space to separate the waters of the earth from the waters of the heavens. 8 God called the space “sky.”

· Space was created, to bring separation and opportunity for different things to happen within each. The beginning of abundance came to be. The longing for fullness, form and connection continues...

9 Then God said, “Let the waters beneath the sky flow together into one place, so dry ground may appear.” And that is what happened.

10 God called the dry ground “land” and the waters “seas.” And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, “Let the land sprout with vegetation—every sort of seed-bearing plant, and trees that grow seed-bearing fruit. These seeds will then produce the kinds of plants and trees from which they came.” And that is what happened. 12 The land produced vegetation—all sorts of seed-bearing plants, and trees with seed-bearing fruit. Their seeds produced plants and trees of the same kind. And God saw that it was good.

· I hear an abundance of food to provide nourishment, and safety that there is plenty to eat.

· I also continue to hear the celebration of what is coming to be, almost an expectation or longing to be shared with something that doesn’t exist yet, but that will be able to fully enjoy the gifts. This new creation is to live within the beauty of these gifts and to fully participate in parts of the creative process.

27 So God created human beings in his own image.
In the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.

· I hear a type of relationship being born, as human beings were created with two sides to each other – sides which God has within itself. These two sides, male and female are part of the relationship that is within us.

· These are parts of the foundation for conversations for us to have, which are part of the nature of God. These two parts of ourselves which are separate, but which dance together to form the whole of our being, bringing balance into different qualities of our nature.

2:7 Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.

· I hear Life, Balance, and Harmony being born.

· I am grateful for the life that is within me.

2:9 The Lord God made all sorts of trees grow up from the ground—trees that were beautiful and that produced delicious fruit.

· I hear Life, Beauty, Nourishment and Celebration again

2:16 “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden”

· Freedom, Nourishment

17 Except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.”

· I hear the birth of Respect, Consideration, Integrity and Learning

· And the warning that if we eat from this tree, that we will be under the delusion that we know what is “good and evil” – that we will use this knowledge against others and ourselves in the belief that “we know better”.

· We will use this knowledge to create separation between each other, and sometimes this knowledge will be turned against ourselves. We will turn into judges and evaluate all in terms of what we think we understand to be “good and evil”, and it will tear us apart. If you eat from this tree, the spell will remain hidden within you, because it will become part of you, and it will bind you to its fruit. Beware of the fruit from this tree, for your own good!

18 “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

· The Greek “Ezer Kenegdo” when compared to other uses of the word, can be translated into something more like “warrior companion”, and “rescuer” than “helper”

· I hear the birth of Companionship, Mutual Regard, Help, Service and Contribution

1:31 Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!

· I hear Celebration, Beauty and Meaning.

The words in “italics” above are what we call “needs”. We all have them. They have been described as “life’s energy in us seeking fulfillment.” They are gifts that give us life. They are not in conflict with each other because the source is divine, which I call “God”. They are built into the fabric of who we are, making us distinctly different from non-living things (e.g. chairs, tables, doormats). Needs are much like instruments in a symphony, and feelings are the music (telling us if and how well our needs are being met or not being met). Not all instruments are making a sound all the time, but we all have the full orchestra of needs. The appearance of conflict happens as different people have different instruments playing, and are not able to hear the other person’s music.

It is through an openness to hear the gifts of needs in ourselves and in others that understanding can take place through conversation. When two or more people are able to hear what’s alive in each other, and a common understanding is achieved, then a spirit of harmony comes alive within a dance of empathy and honesty. But this story is told much later in the collection of books, though truly, it was alive already in the form of “Logos” – the conversation.

What would it be like to bring these gifts into our conversations? How do you think your relationships would change if you were able to bring in this energy, this heart?

I’d enjoy hearing if any of this brings up anything in you.

On Singing

I recently re-discovered the joy of spontaneous singing. I attended a morning session on singing at this mountain retreat last month, and was pleasantly surprised at how I felt afterward. During the session, the facilitator invited us to vocalize the vowel sounds at different times: "aaah"... "Ehhh"... "ee"... "ohhhh"... "youuu".... We did this at the same pitch for a while, then we played around with harmonizing to each other, alternating together between the vowel sounds. Then, we played around with alternating vowel sounds and harmonies independently, each person choosing which vowel to sing at whatever time at whatever pitch they wanted. We did this all with sounds, and without using words for at least 40 minutes. Then, we sang something inspired by American Indian tradition, having to do with acknowledging the wind, water, earth and fire; it was easy enough that we all could join in during the second, third and fourth refrains before breaking for breakfast.

I was surprised at how much fun I was having being creative in my own way, but also enjoying how my voice blended with the voices of the other participants - how our harmonies blended into a sort of community of sound. I also noticed a similar body sensation to when I practice Tai Chi Chuan, focused in my chest and through my arms - as though they are more alive and awake than usual. All of these things reminded me of the chanting that some monasteries practice in the mornings, and thinking how much I'd enjoy doing this on a regular basis with others. Sadly, I can't see myself doing this in my currently dwelling place, as it may disturb the neighbors (i.e. showing regard). But I look forward to doing it next time I'm in the mountains...

Morning Song

i went out to the mountains
to get away from it all
the noise, the clutter,
the hustle and bustle
and found some reprieve
in nature's soft tussle

i went there for rest
and a little adventure
and maybe connection
with the creator of nature

it's communion i seek
with such divine love
which inspire me so
i leave comfort and home

my eyes do get misty
as my belly contracts
as i packed on the trail
and headed my way back

i stood on a hill
and looked back to the meadow
which brought me such joy
and yet i'm unsettled

the beauty enveloped
my soul in a way
that I felt a deep joy
and yet sadness that day

how could it have been
that this place was created?
what was in the heart
of this being that made it?

and what is inside me
that longs for this sight
which brings me to travel
so far through the night?

what words could i use
to describe such a moment,
when the sun rises up
and wakes up all that's living?

my soul wants to sing
and its just the beginning

Hike to Big Tree

I spent most of my free time last week resting, as I had spent most of the previous week in the mountains. I went backpacking for 3 days with my friend "Hiker Jim" and then I went to a retreat for another 2 days.

The backpacking was an adventure, as we headed to a remote part of the San Gorgonio National Forest called "Big Tree", and we almost didn't make it. We hiked from Fish Creek, through Fish Creek Saddle. At this intersection point, Jim and I split up as he wanted to "bag a peak" on the way, and I wanted to continue towards camp (I was struggling a bit with the altitude, not quite getting enough air on the first day, and I was wanting to setup camp early for some early rest in the evening). We stayed in contact with 2-way radios.

The trail leading to Big Tree was no longer maintained by the forest service, and so we had to rely on "word-of-mouth" accounts on how to get there. I felt some anxiety based on stories of the trail, and it was now late afternoon. So, I continued on to Big Tree one-step at a time. Each step is important when carrying a 40 pound pack on one's back. After 15 minutes, Jim radio'd saying that he changed his mind and would shortly turn back toward Big Tree behind me; this turned out to be a blessing for both of us...

The trail to Mineshaft Flat (on the way to camp) was well maintained, though it got a lot rougher halfway to Big Tree. I reached a point where the trail ended in a meadow where a large ponderosa pine was living. I radioed into Jim -- he told me to look East for a creek and to cross it. I could see and hear the roar of a creek in the distance, but I could not see a path leading there through the dense tall grass and thick patches of buck-thorn -- which I called "buck-crap" or "BC" in frustration and pain, needing more ease, comfort and clarity on the trail direction. I searched the surrounding open area for the best way through; after several unsuccessful tries, I found a way that seemed to have been traveled through before, as the tall grass was leaning over in the middle.

As I made it back into the open, I realized I had stumbled into a marsh, where lots of little stream crossed through the area, each less than 2 to 6 feet apart from each other, and the grass hid most of them. Luckily for me, there was still enough daylight to ge through, though I relied on my hiking "staff" to probe the ground before taking a step. The risk here was not only in getting my boots, socks and pants wet, but also in twisting my ankle (not good any time, but more of an issue when packing 40 lbs on my back in the middle of nowhere). (I love my walking stick or "staff", as it brings me safety, stability, protection and it reminds me of my backpack trip with my son Alex where we whittled them down ~ the "staff" symbolism is a remembering of Psalm 23).

After making it past the marsh, I came upon the roaring creek, and radioed back to Jim. He suggested getting on the North dies of the creek. At this point, I was starting to feel worried as the sun was starting its decent on the horizon, and there was no dry-flat ground in sight. The creek was fast moving, and seemed to be 2-4 feet deep at points. There was a huge tree log that had fallen across the creek and provided a tempting bridge 15-20 feet above the water. There were other smaller logs and rocks below the tree log, so I decided to cross the creek there as "the penalty factor" was much lower (i.e. the price of failure is something I use in rating rock climbing routes). I went on to the other side in search of the trail.



After a short bit of wandering, I found a stack of rocks marking a trail (i.e. a "duck"). I moved forward in a quickened pace while turning on my red-headlamp for easier viewing. The path led me up and around the side of a hill into a meadow covered almost completely with "BC". The trail appeared to go right through it, but it was no more than a few inches wide and the BC was 1 to 2 feet tall. Ouch!

By this time, the sunlight was almost gone, so I radioed Jim with new of the trail, and suggested that he come my way. I was guessing the he was also feeling some anxiety and wanting a clear path to camp (duh!), but had continued to search for another way to across the creek further upstream for another 5 minutes. I decided to retrace my steps and go back to the point where I had crossed the creek. I climbed on top of the large tree crossing on the North side of the creek so that Jim could more easily see me, especially with my headlamp on. I also whistled to him so that he could follow the sound. (I was intrigued to notice that the radios were of limited help in giving us a sense of direction towards each other, and that we had to rely on light and natural sound to find each other).

As it got dark, Jim agreed to meet me at the creek crossing as I whistled and stood a top the large tree trunk. After about 5 long minutes, Jim radioed that he could see me and asked if I could see him. After a bit of searching, I could see him waving one of his poles over the tall grass. I relaxed. Not that I couldn't have found a spot on my own, pitched a tent, and survived the night in a makeshift camp -- It was more of the camaraderie and safety that came from being together as we started out together -- and he had the cooking stove!

After I saw that Jim was crossing the creek, I bolted out in search of the campsite - we were almost out of sunlight. I crossed the meadow of BC and made it to where this really big dead tree stood near a line of willows. Under the tree on the far side were a bunch of rocks circling around a flat area cleared of brush, clearly outlining a campsite.

I was pretty stoked (i.e feeling ecstatically delighted) to have found flat-dry ground suitable for us to camp. I took off my pack -- whew! What a joy to have that thing on the ground and not on me back.

Jim made it a few minutes later and seemed to continue looking. I was confused and a little annoyed that he wasn't celebrating yet - cause, I needed rest! But Jim hadn't told me that he had seen pictures of the "campsite"!!! and this wasn't quite what he was expecting. He walked a few steps East, found a duck (stack of rocks) and disappeared into the line of willows. Huh?

"James, I found it!" he said with a loud and excited voice. I walked a few steps forward, and sure enough there was a diagonal opening in the line of willows that lead into a dried out creek embankment, with flat dry land canopied by the trees on one side. The other side had another line of trees near a spring, leaving the middle of the campground open to the starry sky. There was also a circle of rocks with charred wood in the middle; clear evidence that other humans had been there before. Jim and I exchanged high fives in celebration. "Cool! We found it!"

We set up camp, and cooked the best tasting Hawaiian Chicken with rice that I'd ever had in my life, and we shared a cup of hot tea. The moon was out and bright enough that we didn't need head lamps.

Getting there was definitely and adventure, but having the tent up, air mattress filled, sleeping bag unrolled and a full belly really accentuates my experience of my basic needs for survival (shelter, sustenance and safety). And the conversation, transformed the campground into our little community. Jim slept out in the open in his sleeping bag; my tent was my home.

A Walk on the Beach

I went for a walk on the beach yesterday with a friend. It was a warm summer day, with a clear blue sky, gentle breeze with a constant sun. As we walked on the sand, I was amazed with how vivid and sharp the plants on the sides of the cliffs appeared to me. I was exhilarated and giddy with the beauty and the depth of the blue-green waves, which kept me snapping pictures of them. Every now and then a wave would rise up and show itself as transparent light green right before it let go and fell to the sand. This is the "green room" where surfers try to go when riding waves. At this particular beach break, the room did not last long. But it was fun to watch when it showed itself, and I tried to take pictures of it.

Life has been pretty calm and regenerative for me lately, even though I seem to be doing lots of fun things, like walking, talking, hiking, offering workshops, and occasional dancing. I am open to the freedom of living in abundance and in celebrating the gift of life. I am grateful for the experience of living from the heart and mind, the strength and health of my body, and the celebration of the spirit that comes alive when I engage in conversation with friends. For me, this conversation about the nature of life, my relationship to others, myself and the love that lives through it, is for me a glorious opportunity not to be missed*.


* Remembering a translation by Professor Clive Scott of John 1:1-14, based on Erasmus' translation of "Logos" as "Conversation".

Backpacking with Alex

It has been an intense summer for me. My son Alex and I spent most waking hours in a flurry of play, adventure, exercise, dialog and Olympics viewing (there was also some "math play" involved, but we won't go there now). He has gone back to his mother's for school, and I am left feeling a bit sad and missing his company. At the same time, I'm relieved to be able to get the rest that I need, and get my home back in order -- closer to providing the comfort that most supports my time at home.

Alex and I had many fun times together, too numerous to list here. One memorable time was going to an orphanage in Mexico, and seeing him interact with the kids. I'm impressed on how easily they are able to show mutual regard and also play together. At our last trip, we took the children to a swimming pool. One of our trip leaders demonstrated scuba diving, and Alex very readily learned and assisted in the training - eventually taking over the teaching as the adult leader needed rest from all of the swimming.

But, hands down, my favorite activity this summer happened on our backpacking trip to John's Meadow in the San Gorgonio National Forest. It was here that I was able to celebrate Alex's life stage and encourage him into his teenage years with a "Rite of Empowerment". I wanted to pass on some of the wisdom I have gathered up until now, to give him an idea of where I'm coming from -- so that he has a good foundation from which to move ahead, to show him support and encourage him to be himself in spite of external cultural pressures. I had three other adult male friends along with me, which I believed understood my intention and hope for this trip. My friends came through with their own gifts of wisdom and celebration; I am grateful for their presence and support. I thought about my letter to Alex months beforehand, but finished it a week before our trip. The content of the letter is a private matter, and the details of what happened are also between us. But I have to say something about my experience, as I felt a deep joy and gratitude as the intention and the gift that I offered to him were fully received, meeting deep needs for contributing, of meaning and love. And that's worth celebrating!

Bowling Water Bottles - Recycling Day

The empty water bottles were packed and stacked on top of each other; they kept falling over in my garage as the mountain of plastic grew. My son Alex said to me "Dad, you really need to recycle those..." So, yesterday we did recycle them, but not before we had a little fun. Alex wanted to stack the bottles up in a pyramid structure, and toss a bowling ball at them. I let him try, but those things don't stack because they don't hold their shape (i.e. they are single use -- they were designed to only be used once, and then they are to be discarded).

So, he tried the next best thing -- he stacked the boxes and bags of bottles on top of each other, and bowled them away. Here's the video:



For us, it was a symbolic goodbye to the single-use water bottle -- as we took the Surfrider Foundation pledge to drink only out of reusable containers.

NVC encourages us to get our needs met, but only if it also meets the needs of others (i.e. not at the expense of others). I was drinking out of single use bottles to get my need for "ease" met -- (i.e. the bottles are pretty darn convenient). I realized that the plastic bottles adversely affects the environment and wildlife creating a problem for me -- it does not meet my needs for integrity, mutuality, and contributing to the wellbeing of others.

As I read more information about plastic, I also discovered that there are also health risks to using them, especially when the plastic bottles are subjected to heat. I used to keep a case of bottled water in my back seat, but started to notice that the water tasted funny after they had been sitting in my car in the Southern California heat -- now I know why :-(

I'd enjoy hearing how any of this strikes you.


Plastics Are Forever









The Truth About Plastic













Freshen Up Your Drink

Sunscreen Destroyer Ceremony

Yesterday, Alex said he is frustrated with the sunscreen that I (his dad) apply to his face and body every morning -- I'm guessing he's annoyed and wanting more comfort and autonomy. I want to contribute to his long-term health. This video shows how empathy can be helped by action. Alex decided he wanted to mark up a bottle of sunscreen, and run it over with my car a few times. It was fun!

Matt's Dance - Can You Do It?

Every once in a while, I run into a video that captures an important element of my journey and I want to share it. In NVC circles, I've heard this called a "remembering" of the intention, the heart behind nonviolent communication. So, when I saw this video, I was moved and wanted to post it here because it ties in with my recent experience/blog entry "Dancing Jackals Away". The video met my needs for fun, celebration, community, shared experience and meaning. Posting this blog meets my needs for contributing to other people's freedom from jackals***.

Please watch this video and comment.

Here are a few things that I noticed: Matt seems to enjoy dancing. Matt is doing his own dance, regardless of where he is located. Matt seems aware of the people around him, and seems to enjoy their company; but he keeps on dancing to his own rhythm. Every now and then, he modifies his dance to match that of other dancers. I'm guessing that the variety of the locations for his dance is part of his celebration of beauty and diversity in the world. People around him seem to enjoy joining him in his dance. I wonder: Are they feeling joy because they are wanting to celebrate life and a world community? Or, are they feeling happy and just like dancing? After watching this video for the second time, I decided to try Matt's dance style in my room, in front of the mirror. It was fun -- I laughed. It was a connecting experience for me.

Are you moved to dance? Are you feeling joy and wanting to join the party? If you are not moved to dance, what are you telling yourself that is keeping you from dancing? Are your "jackals***" keeping you from dancing? If you are not able to dance, please ask yourself why; keep knocking on doors until one of them opens. Maybe, seek out people who seem to enjoy dancing and ask them how or why they do it. This is a party and everyone's invited. Will you accept the invitation?

*** "Jackals" are critical/judgmental thoughts that we have of ourselves and others. Also called "inner critic", "critical parent", "the comittee", and other less than complimentary evaluations.

Money for Food - for thought

I went to main beach in Corona Del Mar on Friday evening for my weekly beach volleyball fix. My son Alex decided to skim board instead. While he was out there, he ran into his friend Robbie, and they traded off skimming on his board. After each volleyball game, I went out to check up on Alex, to make sure everything was ok (contributing to our needs for safety, peace and adventure). On my last trip out to check on him, his friend came up to me and told me that "they were hungry," "that they didn't have any money," and "do you have any money?"

I was surprised at the directness of his request. My jackals were telling me "how could he do this?" "it's rude and not proper!" I tried some "lame" empathy, "so you are hungry and don't have any money?" He said "yeah! Alex and I are hungry -- do you have any money?" This time, Alex yelled out from his skimming: "Dad, we're hungry! Can we have some money to buy food at the new beach restaurant?"

So, I answered "yes, I have some money," and walked away. I was feeling annoyed because I was wanting autonomy and I was hearing a demand. As I walked back to the volleyball court, I thought about my need for autonomy and their need for food, and how I might contribute to getting all of our needs met.

It was clear to me that indeed they were hungry (and it wasn't just some kid trying to "scam some money"), as now Alex joined the chorus. Robbie walked off a bit, and I had a chance to ask Alex how much he needed -- he said he didn't know because the restaurant was new.

I gave Alex $5. He ran off with Robbie and they discovered that prices were higher than they expected. But they bought an ice-cream treat and shared it. I didn't see Robbie after that, and Alex eventually came back telling me he was still hungry and wanted to buy fried cheese sticks for $4.50. I told him he could have another $5 if he gave me a couple -- he said yes. So, I got to taste the cold cheese sticks with BBQ sauce, and celebrated how great they tasted as I too was getting hungry.

After dinner, I began to think about my internal conversation regarding "my money", someone else's need for sustenance, and decided this was a topic worth writing about.

What would you do if someone asked for money to buy food? What do you do, and what is the conversation that you have with yourself and with the other person? How do you balance your need for autonomy with someone else's need to eat?

Baseball!

I had some friends over on Friday to celebrate our day of independence. A friend gave me 4 tickets to a ball game the next day, and we jumped on 'em. They were great tickets down the first base line, we were free that evening, and the tickets were free. Got to the stadium, and my son and I started advertising for the 4th ticket. "Extra ticket!" "Extra ticket!" No takers. Then we said "Free Ticket!", "Free Ticket!" -- and a family of 5 that was converging to the stadium with us told us that they were looking for a ticket. I said "great, here you go." The mom said, "well, would you like some money for it?" "You, know; to buy a drink or something?" "We were going to buy a ticket anyway." I said "sure, that would be great". "Give me whatever you want." So, she called up her husband, who was 10 feet in front of us by now, practically running for the gate. "Honey, give this man some money!," she said. I wish I had my camera ready - the look on his face said something like "are you nuts?" "we scored a free ticket here!" "you want to give this guy money?". I smiled, and repeated my earlier sentiment. "It's ok, just give me whatever you want." The guy was definitely struggling with the amount -- the "vibe" between us was totally different than with the woman, so, I said, "ok, how about 10 bucks?" After a few strained moments in his wallet, he pulled out several green sheets of paper money and handed them over. And so it was.

At this point, I was actually ahead $2 because parking was $8. But, hey -- getting paid $2 to take your son and mother to a ball game ain't bad. Of course, as a captured audience, we bought food, drinks and snacks at outrageous prices (bratwurst 7, pizza 9, two frozen lemonades 10, cotton candy 4, snuck in bottled water 0).

We had a great time. My son and I had our mitts on and wanted to catch a foul ball. Actually, I think I wanted to catch a ball more than he did. I wore my mitt religiously throughout the game. I think Alex wore his till the 5th inning, and then focused on eating. There's something special about baseball for us. Alex loves to play it, wear the uniform, and imagine that he's out there on the field playing ball -- making the play that saves the game, or hitting the winning home run. I used imagine myself being out on the field too, but this time, I just enjoyed being there. Something about the green grass, the smell of leather from my glove, the bright lights above, my son and mom getting along for the moment, and the crowd of cheering fans all around us -- and "I" was one of "us". I love baseball, and the constitution that made it possible. It meets my needs for freedom.

Dancing Jackals Away

Two Saturdays ago, I was invited to go dancing and was surprised at my experience. The dance form is whatever I wanted it to be; a free-style improvisation based on whatever I wanted to express through movement -- synchronized in any way I wanted. I was thrilled to experience this freedom of movement, self- and other-acceptance, and self-expression while having fun. I was intrigued, so I went back again yesterday. I realized that this type of dancing went beyond just having fun. As I continued dancing, I realized that I was experiencing a deeper joy as my needs for community, shared-experience and healing were met. Healing? I was surprised by the last one -- healing (i.e. growth, learning).

My experience is that through dance, the jackals*** have little recourse but to show themselves, providing a unique opportunity for healing -- somehow transforming them so that they don't control me. Of course, the first step towards healing is to become aware of the thought -- to observe the jackal and to hear what it is saying. Here's a short list of some of my jackals that came up during different times:

* "What am I doing, I look stupid doing this?"
* "I don't know how to dance."
* "Do I fit in here? Am I doing it right?"
* "I'm not wearing the right clothes. I need wilder more edgy ones."
* "That's bizzare! What are those people doing on the floor gazing in each other's eyes barely touching each other?"
* "Those men are in a circle breathing intentionally louder. Weird."

So, traditional NVC would suggest several rounds of empathy for each jackal thought (i.e. listening for possible feelings and needs). For instance, "Jackal, are you feeling anxious because you are wanting acceptance?" But my experience was that through dance, as so many of my needs were getting met, that the jackals had no power over me. As the critical thoughts came up, I'd hear them, smiled and I just kept dancing. It seemed as though, the needs themselves took care of the jackals with little effort of my own. Or maybe, given my pre-disposition to value my needs as divine gifts from a loving creator that I fully embrace and celebrate, that the jackals have no power over me? It seemed to me that the jackals were trying to "steal" the experience of the moment away from me; but as I celebrated the beauty of my life experience in the moment of dancing, that something that transcended me took care of the jackals and gave me the ability to live life to its fullest -- at least in the moment.

There were times when I looked around the room and smiled widely, as I thought of King David in ancient times dancing in ways that I am guessing were similar to the dancing going on in that room. And that he, like us were celebrating the gift of life and feeling deeply grateful, worshipful. This gift from a loving God that wants us to live a life of abundance, as that life, love and spirit comes alive within me --> It really makes me want to DANCE!!!


*** Jackals are critical/judgmental thoughts directed inwardly towards ourselves, or outwardly towards others.

Manhattan Spaces

I recently spent three weeks on a work project near Manhattan New York. My work surrounded me with computers, cables and boxes. When things reached a point when I needed a break, I'd go for a short walk to a place with a window facing outside, and I'd seek out a tree that was clearly visible from the hallway. As I gazed upon it, I felt a quiet joy as I looked to this tree, as it reminded me of life outside of the cage.

By the time the weekend rolled around, I really needed to get out of my room, so I went to the various park spaces in Manhattan. I did a lot of walking from place to place over three weekends, only taking the subway twice after my feet told me they'd had enough -- an I listened.

I was struck by the beauty hidden in the midst of a large city, as if city planners knew what people needed to live surrounded by sky scrapers, traffic jams, and lots of other people. The parks are spread throughout the city, and teemed with life of all kinds. Most notably, trees and humans. I had fun watching and enjoying both. I noticed that a large majority of people showed regard to each other through giving each person their space to be (of course there were a few exceptions of people with microphones and audio amplifiers who seemed to want to contribute some information they considered important to anyone within audio range -- I felt annoyed as I was wanting peace, regard and freedom to have my own experience, thoughts and feelings).

I observed many people just sitting, alone and in silence, staring forward with eye-lids frozen just a few feet away from another person doing the same - and I saw it over and over again. These people could have been resting, praying, meditating, thinking, composing, planning, observing, or just plain old being; there's no way to know unless I asked them, but I chose to show the same regard that each person seemed to be offering the other, and let them be. The silence of these people stimulated my own curiosity, which I am expressing here. It felt as though the silence made a sound which I thought I heard. There were others reading, and others sunbathing. I was surprised to find an outdoor library in the park under the shade of a bunch of trees -- way cool!

The trees seem to be the center-pieces for creating livable space within the parks, providing shade, oxygen and something ethereal -- like they know they are there for a reason, standing tall, strong at the base and yet loosely flowing on top; their green color inspiring life, protection and comfort. I imagined that they were witnessing everything around them and hoping that we choose connection instead of separation, compassion instead of violence, empathy before honesty...

I also observed small groups of people sitting together talking, playing chess, playing in a water fountain, singing in groups, dancing individually around others that were standing still. I enjoyed a sense of community, as there were people of all ethnic groups sharing space in the parks and showing regard for each other. I felt hopeful that WE could similarly get along in other parts of the country and in other parts of the world.

Overall, I enjoyed my hikes through Manhattan, but three weeks away from home is a long time. I am glad to be back in my own space with a view of trees, hills and sky, with my potted plants, my own bed and pillows. I am slowly reconnecting with people I haven't seen in a while. Its nice to be home; there's no place like it!

Stroll Through Manhattan

I went for a long walk through Manhattan last Sunday. I was more excited to go this time (no anxiety), as I was better prepared than in my first adventure. I had my backpack, with plenty of water, emergency granola, an apple, extra cash, jacket, rain gear, a map and a compass. I had a clearer idea of the transportation options and the terrain. On the bus on the way there, I remember smiling at the thought that going to New York wasn't much different than backpacking in the mountains -- just with more people, less nature and much more noise.

In my first trek, I hiked from the NJ Port Authority to the United Nations (from 8th Ave to 1st Ave on 42nd street) , where I felt inspired by the artwork and vision portrayed in the lobby. I wasn't able to see the council chambers since the tours were closed on Sundays, but I managed a few photos and souveners.

My second trek led me to buy tickets to SPAMalot at the Shubert Theatre. It was just the kind of witty off-color humor I needed after a long work week in technology land. Here I met an arts student from Los Angeles; what a small world.

My favorite spontaneous adventure was strolling through Bryant Park, and sitting down in a chair under a tree for a while -- reading, thinking, watching people going about their park experience, and just generally being there soaking it all up (I like doing this kind of thing when I travel). I happened to sit in a table diagonally across a walkway from three New York women (or so I guessed from their laptops, books and relaxed manner). I had noticed them before, but was intrigued to see that one of them was showing off her "new" tatoo to her other friends -- I was pleasantly distracted from my phone conversation with Craig (I wish I would have told him sooner).

As time went by, I noticed they were reading a book by one of the story tellers I blogged about last time, and I had the urge to strike up a conversation with them. But something was holding me back! My darn "jackals**" were keeping me from connecting with these gals. They were saying things like "you will disturb their time at the park", "who are you to approach three gals in a park?" -- I was feeling anxious because I was wanting connection and acceptance, and these critical thoughts kept me from approaching them. I think that a part of me was also feeling anxious as I was wanting more comfort and safety of knowing the social "vibe" of the park. And I had this debate with myself long enough that it got to be time to go to the play, which started at 7 PM. I got up from my table to go to the bathroom, and came back to notice they were gone. Darn! Now I have to live with the regret of not at least trying. It may sound weird, but I secretly hope one of them will Google "Bryant Park" and find this... But more likely, I will feel sad and frustrated, which may provide the motivation to continue my jackal** inventory work!

But just in case, if you see this, please shoot me an email, would ya?
Warmly,
James

** Jackals are critical thoughts that steal life and opportunity.