- Empathy is the process of being with someone in their experience; a kind of respectful listening from the heart which acknowledges their feelings and needs.
- It is difficult to be empathetic with someone else, if we are not aware of our own heart experience going into the conversation. Our own emotions would get in the way of our being present with the other person, unless we have already acknowledged our own feelings and needs.
- In NVC, the process of getting clear with our own heart is called "self-empathy", and contains four elements: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs and 4.Requests.
- As such, self-empathy is a means to connection, a stepping stone in connecting with someone else.
- "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matt 1-2 NIV)
- "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matt 7:3-5 NIV)
This is exactly the point I was trying to make in my speech -- that we can't really connect with someone if we haven't taken care of our own heart stuff. It is very interesting what he says a couple of verses afterward:
- "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7 NIV)
Wow! Is that cool or what? I feel like I've discovered a treasure, as both NVC and Jesus' teachings have helped me find clarity and joy... (more of that's in my book).
So, I gave my speech without notes, which you can see in the video below.
The speech was well-received, and I'm generally happy with it, though there are a few things I would tweak... (practice, practice, practice). Part of the constructive feedback for improvement was:
* Define empathy more clearly in relation to self-empathy
* Clarify the outline, especially around: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs, 4.Requests
* Don't mention that you are nervous (though for me, that's a perfect example of the value of self-empathy)
I'm curious to hear other people's reactions to what I've written, or what's on the video - around my needs for connection, learning and community. Would you be willing to comment on what came up for you?
22 comments:
Yey! Yey! Yey! I love it! I love how clear and present and self-connected you are while giving your speech. I love the connection between the "speck and the plank" and empathy with others / self-empathy. (And I would love to see this included in your book!) I love that you ended with a message showing the relevance of this practice to the state of the world (met needs for me for meaning), and that you unexpectedly illustrated the practice by making a request! Yey! Very cool, James. Applause applause.
One thing I wanted to share in response to your blog post, but not your speech, is that I had a different interpretation of Jesus' words about "ask and you shall receive." For me, I take this as a message not to make direct requests of God and know that I will receive, but rather to connect with the divine energy of my needs, and then be open to the ways in which support may manifest. It is there, for me, that the magic happens. The "asking" thus happens in connecting and filling up with this energy, and the "receiving" comes in God's manifold ways, ways I may not have dreamt of or expected.
My thoughts. Thanks for stirring up this conversation. Warm hug to you dear one.
Hi Loraxina of the ocean,
Thanks for stopping by, commenting and celebrating the speech. And yes, it is in the manuscript - several chapters dedicated to it. Glad to hear you noticed and enjoyed the request at the end...
I like the spirit of what you said about "asking" - that for you connecting to your heart needs and being open to "receiving" whatever God provides - in "ways I may not have dreamt or expected." This is consistent with my experience -- I make a request and let go of the outcome, being open to whatever shows up or doesn't show up.
Hi James,
I was raised as an atheist by ex-Lutheran/ex-Catholic parents who were extremely disillusioned with religion and its divisive forces in our world. I have a longing and craving for finding the points of connection, overlap and universality of human experience. I am not an atheist, because I found it to be an "either/or" proposition. I'm not interested in choosing sides. I am interested in having curiosity around spirituality.
I am encouraged by this presentation as a way of taking the age old wisdom woven into Christianity and making it comprehensible as part of our day to day experiences. Despite your nervousness, you conveyed joy and peace in your presentation of NVC ideas. How challenging to present something as deep as NVC in just 7 short minutes!
I don't know if it would meet your need for authentically speaking your truth - but I would have enjoyed hearing if this idea of "look to yourself first" is present in other world religions. This would better meet my need for inclusion and harmony.
James, I heard the speech and your blog is really a reflection on that experience. And I think the reference to the "plank" and "spec" is appropriate. Understanding oneself is key. Although, this example of Jesus probably fits the NVC ideal, I would think there are many that do not! He was very confrontative with the Pharisees, for example.
I would think there are many times that we do not understand why we do certain things. Have you heard of the idea of "core fears"? I have found this concept very helpful in understanding myself. If I react, especially in anger, it is often because I have some core fears that have been "touched" such as feeling unloved or unappreciated. I think the process of Observation, Feelings, Needs, and Requests could be aided by an understanding of our core fears.
Duncan
Hi Carolyn, I hear your disillusionment with religion, and that you are longing for points of connection - like building bridges for mutual understanding?
I also share some of that frustration with religion, especially when it may have rules that lead to alienation and disconnection. What I am after in my journey is to connect with the original spirit and teachings of Jesus, which I interpret to be about a radical kind of love which invites us not only to love our neighbors, but our enemies! Sadly, it seems that historically, the religion associated with Jesus seems to have lost the heart of his message. I am trying to reconnect to it -- there are others who are also engaged in this conversation. NVC is the only bridge that I know that shows how to go about loving my enemies while staying in integrity (being true to myself while also connecting with someone I may not necessarily agree with). I'm wondering what comes up for you to read what I just wrote?
Duncan - thanks for commenting and bringing up the point that Jesus confronted the Pharisees -- the religious elite, who seemed more worried with following the law and looking good, than with serving the people they were supposed to lead. In fact, Jesus frequently called them "hypocrites", a reference to their wearing a metaphorical mask - behaving one way, while their hearts were somewhere else. I interpret Jesus' response to the Pharisees as an invitation to live in integrity, where our behavior is consistent with our hearts - to live congruently with our values. Note that Jesus often dinned and hung out with "sinners" and other people that the religious elite would not be seen with (prostitutes, tax collectors, women, children, foreigners, Roman soldiers, etc.) - I think because of their authenticity and openness to his message(they were not hypocrites). I'm guessing by your comment that you are thinking that NVC invites passivity at all costs - it does not. NVC is a means of communication which can also be used to honestly express things that we do not agree with. Nonviolence can be confrontational in the sense that people are expressing themselves to invite reform or change in an otherwise deaf system (Ghandi, Martin Luther King, others). I am intrigued by what you wrote about "core fears"; I'd enjoy hearing more about it. It brings me joy to have this kind of meaningful dialogue. I'm wondering what comes up for you after reading what I wrote?
I am reminded of Socrates' "Know thyself" and Marcus Aurelius "Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there."
For me this is related to the concept of self empathy in that as we become clear on our own heart needs (Know thyself) we find ourselves in a place (strength) where we can be open and responsive to another's needs.
As to compassionate connecting, I definitely agree that we are better suited to understanding others when we have a strong self identity. For me a strong identity is not being stubborn, but being confident enough to share who you truly are. And thereby, allowing others to express themselves without the need for judgement.
Kudos, on giving a speech without notes. I would never do it.
Your tone and rhythym are very soothing and draws one in to what you are saying. You also come across as trustworthy.
Hi Felice - thanks for stopping by and adding something to this conversation. Glad to hear that you identify with the need for self-knowledge. My favorite related quote is "Temet nosce" -- the Latin version plaque on the top of the doorway of the Oracle's kitchen in The Matrix (I love the symbolism and can practically smell the cookies :-) In my experience, self-empathy does indeed give me inner strength to be present with someone without judgment. What I enjoy most about what Jesus said regarding the plank and the speck is that he highlights the importance of self-knowledge in relation to another human being -- so, he seems to go beyond just self-knowledge -- perhaps we could call it "relational self-knowledge?"
I enjoyed reading that you experienced my tone and rhythm as soothing -- that your needs for trust were met.
I think "core fears" must be a lot like "core jackals" or the "stories we tell ourselves" about some situation. So, if we hear the voice in our head say, "I'm unappreciated" - as Duncan said -then in NVC we can begin to better understand that we are needing acknowledgment, understanding or support or whatever is linked to that for us. This kind of self-awareness is what I am constantly seeking.
As for religion, yes I am so needing some mutual understanding. What comes up for me... I guess I always wonder - why Jesus? why Mohammed? why Buddha? why only one? why not many?
I hear that you - James - are seeking to love your "enemies" - defined as "people you don't agree with". You feel that the original spirit of Jesus' actions - not the rule based judgements twisted by religion - represent the kind of integrity that you would like to manifest in your own spiritual quest. This reminds me of the following quote:
“An enemy is someone whose story has not yet been heard.” –Thich Nhat Hahn
Gratitude for sharing your story.
Carolyn - in the paragraph that starts with "As for religion," I hear you express your desire for mutual understanding. I'm guessing you also have needs for freedom of choice, mutuality and respect? Perhaps under all that a desire for community and harmony?
When I think about religion, in that context, I am reminded of conversations that I used to have as a child: "My Dad is bigger and stronger than yours. That's my toy and you can't play with it." And more recently, the unspoken conversations, "my car is faster and cooler than yours. My house is bigger and better than yours. My member is..." The Comparison Jackals (judgments) gone crazy.
In my personal history, I only have experience with two basic flavors of one religion: Catholic, and Protestant-Evangelical, and I am moving away from those static labels into a spirituality of the heart. My book and blog are about the journey that I have taken, and that I know first hand. I can't speak to the other religions because I don't know them.
Like NVC, I see religion as a means to an end. As I mentioned before in a separate forum, the end that I seek is intimate communion with God and other human beings. We can differ on strategies of the means, and also the ends we seek--but the point I am trying to make is that we should be able to agree on the needs of the heart -- we were all created equal in the sense that we have them as part of our operating system. I am reminded that my mother and my father have contributed to shaping my operating system, and so have countless teachers and friends contributed to my OS. In fact, most if not all conversations I have contribute to updating, maintaining and upgrading my operating system. My heart is my guide for learning as I go, taking what works for me, and discarding the rest. The people that I mention haven't/didn't start a religion to influence me. In fact, Jesus didn't start a religion either - the religious structures were created by men that came several hundred years after. I have been told that Shakyamuni Siddhārtha Gautama didn't intend on starting a religion either (I love Wikipedia!). I don't want to get stuck on static labels and identifications because they seem to divide instead of unite.
I enjoyed reading the quote by Thich Nhat Hahn.
Wondering what comes up for you as you read this?
Hey James,
I'm enjoying that NVC gives me a strategy for connecting with people of different religions without the doctrinal interference. I'm very much enjoying that - even though I know nothing about Jesus, have not read the bible and have never been to church - we can connect over this dialog about empathy and needs. This meets my need for community/inclusion within the larger world beyond "people like me". I always enjoy finding common ground. So, yes - as I said earlier - harmony is a strong strong need for me... and I don't generally see it met when the conversation turns to specifics of religion.
I also have a longing for authenticity that is asking me to "come clean" about my own non-religious beliefs. I have some trepidation about this because my longing for harmony is so strong, that I don't want to put myself in conflict with people by stating I'm not religious. I'm fearful I will trigger conflict - because i experienced it often growing up in a conservative religious community with parents who did not fit in. An oft-asked question/accusation of our family: "You don't believe in god?!" "You don't go to sunday school?" As an adult, I now usually have enough skills to recognize that this question/observation is about the other person, not me. But as a child, I felt considerably outcast because of this. I became very good at lying/denying.
You are longing to let your heart guide you. You see some of the religious leaders as separate from the religions that humans created around them. When you say you want to get beyond the labels, I'm guessing you also are seeking harmony and a community of the heart. It's touching to me to hear you say, "We can differ on strategies of the means, and also the ends we seek--but the point I am trying to make is that we should be able to agree on the needs of the heart -- we were all created equal in the sense that we have them as part of our operating system." This "should" - we should be able to agree - is so tender for me. I'm wondering if you also have this longing for people to understand each other more deeply?
So, being a parent, I see conflict all the time between my kids. I do long for harmony, but I don't long for them to "get along" at the expense of shoving down their own needs. I long for the kind of harmony where they see each other as human and have empathy (and hopefully some laughter) around the conflicts that come up.
And I'm guessing that your references to competition between kids or adults (who's bigger, better, smarter, etc.) is a reference to this same thing - longing for harmony and community instead of disconnection based on our "stuff"? How people seek to separate and "distinguish" themselves?
There are many ways (strategies, means, ends). Yes. Remember when I quoted that poem "two roads diverged in a wood"? I'm chuckling now because I'm thinking that both roads - not only the less traveled one - make a difference. And the key is that... whichever road you're on... you are present/curious to whatever happens for you... and by extension others.
Hi Carolyn - I'm loving that we get to play in this cyber-sand box too. Fun that we also got to sing and jam last time we met.
When you said "An oft-asked question/accusation of our family" and what followed it, I was guessing there's some pain around that - I'm hearing needs for acceptance, and frustration around wanting to show up authentically? Maybe even some sadness around needs for integrity not being met?
Did I hear that right?
Carolyn - you asked "I'm wondering if you also have this longing for people to understand each other more deeply?" and I want to answer a clear yes and add some history behind it... While I was born here in the states, I grew up in two worlds: one spoke English, and the other spoke Spanish. At six years old, we moved to Puerto Rico and I didn't speak a word of Spanish. I remember hearing the kids speak to me, and I knew two words "Si" (yes) and "No". Those were difficult times for me, around wanting to be heard and understood, and wanting to understand others - it directly impacted my ability to connect. And related to that was my longing for acceptance. Perhaps this was a core jackal for me - in Puerto Rico I was a "gringo", and in High-School I was "the Puertorican kid." It wasn't until I got to college that the healing integration began to take place. So, part of my pain growing up not only included understanding, but also connection and self-acceptance. Given where I am now, I am wanting to contribute some of the clarity and wisdom of what I've learned in the hopes of helping others grown, and have life-supporting conversations. I hope that this has contributed to your understanding of where my heart is. Did it?
"Relational Self Knowledge" is an excellent term. What Jesus came to preach, in my humble opinion, was a relationship with God the Father and each other. Even when we are told to "Do unto others as we would have them do to ourselves," we are reminded that we should expect to be treated well by others, even as we show kindness and respect to others. When Jesus answered that the two greatest commandments were "Love the Lord with all thine heart, mind, and soul," and "Love they neighbor as you love yourself," He stressed the same point. This life is all about relating to one another in a beautiful and kind manner (Ephesians: "Be ye kind.") Your quest for community matches my own. I feel it is placed in all of us by God, so that we can become the family he created us to be. (Acts: "Of one blood he has created All Nations.") I especially appreciate this cyber method for reaching out to others whom we would otherwise never meet. Oh, and I had to have a cookie last night after your comment. Lol.
Hi Felice - I enjoyed reading what you said, which I hear as "its all about loving relationships." Glad to hear that you also long for community. When I read "we can become the family he created us to be", I felt warm and hopeful around my needs for acceptance, harmony and inclusion being met. What also came up for me was that everyone was created in the image and likeness of God--that everyone is invited to the banquet of life unconditionally. It was also fun to hear you had a cookie last night ;-)
Yes, I feel like i have a clearer understanding of where your heart is. Your story of straddling two identities - Puerto Rican/Gringo - is the story of so many of my expatriate/immigrant students... wanting acceptance as members of a group - but not sure which group to claim or how to integrate into something whole. And this - in related ways - could sum up my "square peg/round hole" experience of craving acceptance re: being a religious outcast growing up.
It's good to be seen. :) Need for integrity and authenticity resonating and happy. Yay!
Now - if i had a request of myself - it would be to bring my own authenticity to this subject with my class the next time the subject comes up - but that might take more "cojones" than i've got... especially after years of mediating muslims, christians, and jews in my classes bash each other over who's right. I've got nightmares of john lennon singing "mother superior jumped the gun... oh happiness is a warm gun mama...."
Carolyn - so glad to hear "i have a clearer understanding of where your heart is" - its about being heard, known and included. In a sense, wanting acceptance from others, but glad that my growth has led to self-acceptance... yes, integrity, wholeness and congruency have been at the heart of my journey - I'm happy to be able to share it with others, hoping it will contribute to mutual understanding, love and well-being.
Thanks for mentioning your experience of mediating conflict; when you said "especially after years of mediating muslims, christians, and jews in my classes bash each other over who's right", I was reminded of my desire for peace and harmony between the people's of all religions while authentically sharing my personal experience.
Your reference to the Beatles took me back to the retreat :-) The song that came up for me was
"You say you want a Revolution, well, you know... but if you want money from people with minds that hate, all I can tell you is brother you'll have to wait..."
"Don't you know its gonna be -- alright..." Thanks again for stopping by and adding to the stew.
James, I was mostly excited for you personally, to see you in action giving a teaching. I see you stepping into your passion and being able to share it with others. It is exciting for me to watch your passion grow as you are utilizing your giftings of writing, peacemaking and teaching. Thank you for all your are contributing to helping facilitate better connections and life-giving relationships.
James, I disagree with the person who said, "Don't say that you are nervous." Did he explain why he said that? I'd be curious to know.
If you really were nervous, then it's a good thing that you revealed it - it helped me feel more connected with you, and it made you more human - and in this new Civic Cycle, the most important thing about a talk is not so much much how smooth or polished it is but how authentic the speaker is - being real, being authentic is the most important thing in this new Civic Cycle. If you want to know more about the 40-year Civic (Communal) and Idealistic (Individualistic) Cycles, simply google or youtube Michael Drew or Wizard's Academy.
Hi Julie, I enjoyed reading "It is exciting for me to watch your passion grow as you are utilizing your giftings..." -- celebrating a contribution that we find meaningful and life-giving. I'm grateful for your friendship, support, and the space you've created for community.
Hi Kundan - When you said "I disagree with the person...that you are nervous", I'm hearing that you were surprised because you value authentic expression, and felt more connected. Did I capture the spirit of your comment? Thanks for adding something to the stew.
Yes, James, I value authentic expression and I felt connected, and in this new, Civic Cycle, a lot of people also value that.
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