Compassionate Connecting

The Spirit of Christmas – or should we call it “Giftmas”?

2011-12-14T10:25:00.000-08:00

As I celebrated an early Christmas with my family over theThanksgiving holiday, I had something come up around what it all means to me.As a few of us exchanged gifts; I felt a sense of joy for being togethersharing a family tradition, but at the same time uncomfortable – yet not sure exactlywhy. I realized that I needed more clarity around my discomfort, so decided to stepback and ponder. This is what came out of that process.

For me, the spirit of Christmas is primarily a celebrationof Jesus’ values of “loving your neighbor as yourself,” and even a more radicalinvitation to “love your enemies.”

Somehow, in my family and in our wider Western culturefamily, we have chosen to celebrate Christmas by buying and exchanging gifts—thingsthat are made by someone else, usually in a far away country, so it has lots ofhidden costs to the environment—AND—it is so impersonal. When I think about thestrategy of gift giving I feel sad and disappointed because it misses so muchfor me.

I acknowledge that some people do express their love throughgiving gifts, but there are so many other ways to express love—why just focuson buying and giving gifts?

Perhaps we could consider sharing our love in smaller waysthat are more organic, environmentally friendly and connecting. We could startwith the people closest to us, or perhaps adopt the radical idea of giving topeople you don’t really know, before giving to those closest to you. Considerthe many options for expressing our love by means that do not involve the usualgift buying/giving:

Inviting a friend out for coffee, lunch or diner
Giving some money to the people who ask
Calling a friend over the phone and connectingwith them from the heart
Helping someone you know with one of theirprojects
Giving money to people who are strugglingfinancially
Buying groceries for someone who is strugglingfinancially
Paying for the groceries for the person in frontof you, or behind you
Writing a note to the people we care about,letting them know we are thinking about them or why we cared to write
Writing a note to dear friends on their FB page
If you’ve lent money to a friend, considercanceling the debt
Sending a donation to your favorite charity
Contributing financially or serving at a foodkitchen

As I look around my home, closet and garage, I find myselfwanting less stuff not more—related to my needs for clarity and freedom—so please,do not buy me anything. This year, I’m breakingtradition by giving things that can’t be bought at a store. For me, itresonates as being closer to the spirit of Christmas. I’m curious to hear whatcomes up for you around this?

My Burning Man Experience

2011-09-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

Imagine a world in which you are deeply accepted andencouraged to fully express yourself, in whatever form you choose… and in thisworld, people give you food, drink and fun stuff -- money does not play a role,and in fact is frowned upon. Gifting isa way of life here. Workshops, art exhibits, dances and all sorts of gatheringsare free. In this world, you can show up to the party alone, dance alone andyet be in the midst of the heart of the celebration. This is also a world in which you areresponsible for your health and well-being, getting enough food and rest, protectingyourself from the elements and setting your own agenda for the day. There arepractically no rules, and yet everybody treats each other with respect andconsideration—from a place of authentic desire. You are responsible for yourown experience, and to give others the space to have their own too… this inshort of the vision of Burning Man.

This is why I chose to facilitate a five-day CompassionateConnecting workshop series, because the environment is congruent with universalvalues of acceptance, radical self-expression and exploration, and the peopleattending are open to receiving it. In fact, my experience was thatparticipants were hungry for the clarity and flow supported by NVC.

--I've been pondering my burn experience and beginning toquestion some of my assumptions about life... I'm torn around my ability tosupport myself while doing the things I find meaningful in life surroundingNVC--so I'm walking a line in two worlds right now.

One of the highlights of my burn was my greeting from ourcommunity leader Matheo--his embrace and eye contact welcomed me into a senseof belonging and community that I didn't expect—a sense of “welcome home.” Iwas deeply touched by this, expressed my gratitude to him and got to vent someof my sadness surrounding the “other world.” He resonated energetically and offered me thename "Cauldron" as he pointed to the fire cauldron next to us, as asymbol for my ability to hold space for healing and connection.

I was fortunate enough to have been invited to camp near thecenter of the Red Lightning community, met needs for beauty, peace and enabledme to help hold space for the intention of harmony and growth for thecommunity.

Another nightly highlight for me was hoping on my bike andgoing dancing to various places. I enjoyed the sense of adventure,self-expression and freedom around the whole thing--I miss this and am helpingto recreate it out here...

Getting up before sunrise on Friday and going to the Templeof Transition was memorable, meeting needs for adventure, beauty and healing.

I got to practice my Tai Chi slow set on the Playa in frontof the temple.

My favorite highlight of the trip was filling up the Rite ofPassage Dome on Saturday morning before the burn, connecting to allparticipants present, and having the sense of resonance and understanding alivein the space. Totally met needs for contribution, hope and meaning. Rosy, mycompanion giraffe was with me throughout the journey-providing support andplayfulness.

I had the opportunity to “strike” the Red Lightning camp,which means to help take everything down. I was surprised at how fun it was towork with the community toward a common goal—and how much I enjoyed using myhand tools. Interacting in this way is something I look forward to next time Igo.

I’m feeling hopeful that humanity will continue evolving,growing into a greater harmony and mutuality, where people are considerate ofeach other’s needs. Burning Man seems to be a place where we can try on newthings, and explore different societal norms outside of the competitivestructures of a market based economy. I’m open to going again next year, thoughwe’ll see what’s alive for me in the summer months. My focus right now is onfacilitating NVC-based Christ consciousness—perhaps there’s a place for both tocontinue…

A reflection on “Living the spiritual truths of Thoreau”

2011-04-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

I've been enjoying "a true moment of serendipity" with Raymond J. Rundus, Emeritus Professor at UNC. As part of my marketing campaign, I contracted with a media company to send out my press release. One of the respondents to this effort was Mr. Rundus. A few weeks had passed after I sent him a paperback, when I received a note from him informing me that he had begun reading my book with interest and came upon a name that was familiar to him.

In the acknowledgments section of the book, I listed my college composition II teacher Walt Klarner for having contributed "to shifting my attitude toward writing so writing became enjoyable." It turns out that Prof. Rundus was Chairman of the English Department at the College of Emporia from 1968 to 1970, while Mr. Klarner was getting his degree. "Walt," as he insisted his students call him, inspired me with his "outside the box" teaching style, his music (he played piano for my choir and the London Symphony Orchestra at 15 yrs. old), and especially that he treated me and his students with enthusiasm, respect and a sense of mutuality. He invited us to "go deeper inside" into "the marrow of our being" (or something like that).

Up and until that time, my educational interests rested only in math and science. Walt helped to bridge the gap between technology and English by being the first teacher I ever had that insisted that all of our work be done on the computer, and had to be submitted in electronic format—while this may not be a big deal today, it was definitely "cutting edge" back in the early 1980’s. Ever since then, I've been writing directly into a word-processor, which has supported clarity, a sense of ease with my writing, and efficient use of time. Besides my book, other areas that were influenced by my new writing skills are my two degrees in electrical and computer engineering from KU, numerous US patents for communications related inventions, various technical documents and papers, and the joy of simply taking a pen to paper in my journal.

Mr. Rundus wrote an editorial piece on my book for The Sandspur (PDF here). Here’s a note that I wrote in reply, which highlights what came up for me as I read it:

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Dear Raymond,

Thank you for sending the newspaper clippings. There's something special about the touch, feel and smell of the real thing--and your scribble on the top of the page; it reminds me that there's a real world out there beyond my computer screen. I liked it so much that I scanned it and placed it on my website under the "Read more" label. I'm saddened that the touch, feel and smell can't be part of the PDF--yet I'm guessing that it might help some to remember them!

I found it poignant that your first article mentioned the "Second Life" virtual world along with mine--almost direct opposites that emphasize mind and heart connections respectively. I'm guessing you are feeling some alarm with the former--around community needs not met authentically? Very interesting juxtaposition of ideas. I enjoyed how you finished that one with the "human" moment of serendipity.

I got excited as I read the title of the second one "Living the spiritual truths of Thoreau." I have always been a naturalist, feeling at home outside with a special love for trees and green hills. Interesting that one of the early supporters of my book is a Franciscan priest Fr. Richard Rohr--St. Francis as you know was an early spiritual naturalist at heart. By way of coincidence (perhaps), I am going on a five day men's retreat next month organized by Fr. Rohr...

I was especially touched that you captured my purpose in the epilogue... there seems to be a lot at stake in the current state of our world--I am alarmed at the prevalent disconnection from our hearts. My book is an invitation to go back in--to the Garden through the teachings of Christ.

Wondering how the words in this message resonate in the cavity of your being?

Warmly,

James Prieto

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Walt opened my eyes to a new world of exploration, adventure and meaning through the written word. I celebrate Walt's contributions to me, Mr. Rundus’ contributions to Walt, and I imagine the thousands of people that both of them have touched with throughout their careers. And so, I use this global medium to express my gratitude and appreciation to them.

Thank you!

The PDF review of my book by Raymond J. Rundus is available here. An online version is also available from the FayObserver.

Catching My Breath

2011-04-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting in my living room, noticing that birds are singing within the green mantle of rustling leaves; feeling a gentle breeze streaming through the room reminding me of the sweetness of embracing the moment. I’m finally slowing down again to catch my breath after two years of high energy creativity, bringing my book to fruition, caring for this new life and inviting friends to share and celebrate its being. Ahhh…

Gratitude.

Last week, I returned from a five day men’s retreat in the hills of Julian, North-East of San Diego, California. It was a welcome disconnection from all electronic devices—I got to unplug, with a focused reconnection to myself, to others and to the Source of all there is. In the midst of the hills and trees, I was reminded of the wisdom revealed through immersion and openness to the outdoors. How even in the midst of sitting and walking through the forest, great insights seem to take life within me, as if the love behind the green blanket of grass and brown limbs that reach out from the ground into the sky was whispering secrets to those who listen…

I was searching for a clarity of direction, and finding that as I now sit in my living room typing these words which I intend to share, I have everything I need.

I’ve been hoping for a gut indication of where to focus my energy: email marketing, marketing consultants, scheduling workshops, upgrading my website, pursuing leads, finally having a book signing party… as I think of these things, nothing clearly stands out except to keep doing what I’m doing with my practice group, contributing to SoCal NVC, networking with friends, and meeting new people. I’m excited to connect with the men from the retreat, and supporting a sense of connection and community among my friends and acquaintances.

In the midst of my creative times, I made outlines for several possible new books—I’m waiting the “right time,” when it becomes clear to me that the quiet voice is calling something new to be birthed. Until then, I’ll continue this hike one step at a time.

Interviews

2011-01-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

Interview on "Thank God for Monday" by Greg Cellini on WSOU Seton Hall Pirate Radio on Jan 22, 2011

Interview on Lincoln Brown show AM 920 KVEL on Jan 12, 2011

Book Now Available in Paperback and Hardcover

2010-11-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

The paperback version of the book The Joy of Compassionate Connecting is now available here (click here). Hardcover here.

The author describes the Way of Christ through Nonviolent Communication (NVC). The teachings of Jesus exemplify values of love, mutual respect, responsibility and compassion. This text is a guide showing how NVC facilitates living in integrity with these values.

Many personal stories demonstrate how a Christ follower can use NVC to turn troubled relationships into joy-filled connections. This book is an invitation for the reader to rediscover Christian principles and apply them in everyday communication—to experience the treasures Jesus taught us by transforming our relationships with compassionate connecting, ultimately partaking in the spirit-filled life.

Reviews

“'Blessed are the peacemakers,' Jesus said. The work of peacemaking begins with each of us learning to communicate compassionately. Jaime Prieto offers just the kind of practical, down-to-earth guidance we need.”

Brian D. McLaren, author of The Secret Message of Jesus, A New Kind of Christian, and Everything Must Change

“What a marvelous combination of very practical wisdom from Scripture, psychology, justice work, personal experience, and even the arts! This is the kind of book that people need today to … get started, to keep going, and to keep going deeper. Thank you for your own compassion, Jaime Prieto!”

Fr. Richard Rohr, OFM, Center for Action and Contemplation, Albuquerque, New Mexico

“If you’ve ever wondered how NVC fits with traditional Christianity, I recommend Mr. Prieto’s insightful book!”

Mary Mackenzie, CNVC Certified Trainer and Cofounder, NVC Academy

"...the inspired efforts of a Christian helped by NVC who wants to share his experience with the world and help people better their lives... More meditation than guidebook, Prieto’s work is compelling, motivating and useful..."

Kirkus Reviews

Book Reviews

2010-10-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

Irene Roth: "...is a motivating and inspiring book that is written tenderly but seriously. Prieto offers an innovative and completely fresh look at some of the most important teachings of Christ that are life-serving and nonjudgmental...I believe that Prieto’s book may even save a few marriages, and given the high incidence of divorce, this book is a great contribution."

Dad-of-Divas: "...I have to say that the book is a great combination of practical wisdom from Scripture and many other fields. What I liked was that the book went deep and asked questions to make you think deeper..."

Kirkus Reviews: "...the inspired efforts of a Christian helped by NVC who wants to share his experience with the world and help people better their lives... More meditation than guidebook, Prieto’s work is compelling, motivating and useful..."

Book Excerpt: Section I. Introduction

2010-10-03T18:58:00.001-07:00

Book Excerpt: Section II. Echoes of the Garden

2010-10-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

Book Excerpt: Section III. Sermon of the Master

2010-10-03T18:23:00.001-07:00

Book Excerpt: Section IV. Compassionate Connecting

2010-10-03T18:09:00.000-07:00

The Joy of Compassionate Connecting-The Way of Christ through Nonviolent Communication

2010-09-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

The Plank, The Speck and Self-Empathy

2010-07-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

I am intrigued by something that happened to me yesterday. I had written a speech titled Self-Empathy as a Means to Connection as part of my participation in Toastmasters. As I practiced reciting the words I had written while pacing back and forth in my living room, I realized the content of my speech was very similar to the teachings around the metaphors of the "plank" and the "speck" given by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. Granted, I had written about these similarities in my book project, but my intention of the speech was different - more to inform than to persuade. I was inspired to include the insight in my speech as this helped to meet needs for meaning and discovery. Part of the challenge of Toastmasters, is to write and deliver a speech in 4 to 6 minutes. Here are the points I was trying to make:

Empathy is the process of being with someone in their experience; a kind of respectful listening from the heart which acknowledges their feelings and needs.
It is difficult to be empathetic with someone else, if we are not aware of our own heart experience going into the conversation. Our own emotions would get in the way of our being present with the other person, unless we have already acknowledged our own feelings and needs.
In NVC, the process of getting clear with our own heart is called "self-empathy", and contains four elements: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs and 4.Requests.
As such, self-empathy is a means to connection, a stepping stone in connecting with someone else.

Here are the words of Jesus from the bible, followed with my brief commentary on the parallels to NVC.

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matt 1-2 NIV)

Here, Jesus makes that point that judging others, also affects us - the judge. The implication of not judging is that we are invited to accept others in love (not agreeing, just accepting) - the points about love, acceptance and mutuality are covered in different parts of his sermon. In NVC, this is called Observation.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matt 7:3-5 NIV)

Jesus makes that point that we can't help our brother with their issue, if we have our own issues getting in the way. It doesn't make sense to try to help them, if/when we have our own stuff with us in the moment. He seems to be saying something like: You silly dude, take care of your heart before trying to help your brother; then, you will have enough presence to help them with their problems.

This is exactly the point I was trying to make in my speech -- that we can't really connect with someone if we haven't taken care of our own heart stuff. It is very interesting what he says a couple of verses afterward:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matt 7:7 NIV)

Jesus very clearly is inviting us to ask for what we want, as it will help us find what we seek. In NVC, this is called making a Request.

Wow! Is that cool or what? I feel like I've discovered a treasure, as both NVC and Jesus' teachings have helped me find clarity and joy... (more of that's in my book).

So, I gave my speech without notes, which you can see in the video below.

The speech was well-received, and I'm generally happy with it, though there are a few things I would tweak... (practice, practice, practice). Part of the constructive feedback for improvement was:

* Define empathy more clearly in relation to self-empathy
* Clarify the outline, especially around: 1.Observations, 2.Feelings, 3.Needs, 4.Requests
* Don't mention that you are nervous (though for me, that's a perfect example of the value of self-empathy)

I'm curious to hear other people's reactions to what I've written, or what's on the video - around my needs for connection, learning and community. Would you be willing to comment on what came up for you?

Early Morning

2010-06-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

Woke up early this morning, just like I have been for the past month or so. This time, it was still dark outside; I got up after realizing that sleeping was hopeless. I made a cup of coffee and went on to my balcony to enjoy the sights and sounds. Birds singing, crows squawking, and the pine trees just stood there as if saying:

"Yeah, thanks for stopping by - Where have you been? We've been waiting for you."

And then God dimmed the lights on, showing the purple of a jacaranda tree beginning to flower. Ahhh...

I've been pretty energized this year; so much that I've been waking up earlier than usual. I'm excited to work on my book, to get it ready for publishing -- the book project is helping me to meet needs for meaningful expression in the hopes of contributing to the well-being of others.

On Friday, I printed the "good enough" version of the manuscript and sent it out to some authors, pastors and NVC trainers -- hoping that they'll like it enough that they'll tell their friends, and give me a supporting "blurb".

Given that I'm in the third trimester of the book's development (it does sort of feel like a baby to me), I don't have much to do in terms of writing while the editors work on it some more. Writing, it seems, is more of a community project than I had realized; while much of the raw stuff of the book was typed by me, lots of people's comments go into shaping the final product.

This inertia of editing woke me up, so I had time for writing this blog post. I'm also realizing that its been a while since I've been out to the mountains alone; they seem to be calling me too. I'm pondering whether a backpack trip is in my immediate future or not. The time seems right; I need to unplug for a bit. Immersing myself in nature, away from the city helps me to hear God's voice more clearly...

Mountain Retreat Experience

2010-04-27T08:50:00.000-07:00

I spent last weekend in the mountains with old friends, and got to make some new ones. We attended workshops, meetings, practiced self-care, and played a lot.

My favorite workshop invited us to consider our artistic identities, and how we could use creative expression as a means to grow and contribute to the well-being of others.

At the meetings, I enjoyed people's openness and willingness to be honest with their heart meeting needs for authenticity, honesty and belonging, as we all are trying to find health and life alone and together.

I got to practice self-care by getting a massage, taking naps, going in the hot-tub, and waking up before dawn to watch God fade the lights on while I practiced Tai Chi.

We all played through singing, drumming and dancing together. But my favorite activity was the "Talent/No-talent" show. I was surprised at how much fun this was for me, and how much "Talent" showed up in the room - several of us commented on how the "No-talent" was missing; but I think it was more about being authentic with our play and showing up to be ourselves in front of a bunch of other people.

I signed up to read a poem I had written a few years ago called "The Well". I was telling myself that "it was too long" and feeling some anxiety around that -- as I gave myself empathy, I realized that I was wanting to contribute aliveness and flow through my poem, and I was also wanting to show mutual consideration to the other participants given that there were so many. After sharing my honesty with the MC, and with the group, I read the poem to the audience; this was the first time I had ever read this poem in front of anyone. I took my time reading it, and pausing after each phrase allowing absorption to take place. I could hear my own voice echoing in the room (I love to speak into a microphone). I got a little chocked up around the verse that described living water exposing all the gold, as my needs for meaning, contribution and beauty were stimulated. As I finished, I felt joy, support from my friends, a sense of accomplishment, and celebrated the peace that I helped to create.

At the end of the retreat, we all gathered in a circle to celebrate the joys of the weekend and mourn our return to normal life. I was moved by all of the beauty in the room. It was fun for me to harvest the heart stuff, reminding everyone that we get to take it home with us -- we had access to it any time we wanted. I felt the joy of contribution, belonging and community -- part of the gold that I uncovered this weekend.

The Editing Continues

2010-04-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

I've wanted to blog for a while, but the truth is that most of my time is going toward editing my book. It's coming along well, just slower than I originally anticipated. Also, my engineering job has taken much of my free time lately, though I still manage to do a little bit each morning.

I've enlisted the support of my friends, and I'm getting tremendously valuable feedback. The neat thing is that I am getting a better book out of the process, while at the same time getting clearer with my own thinking as I engage them in conversation. I am grateful for all of the support I am getting.

The new book title is "The Joy of Compassionate Connecting - Healing our Heart Through Christ". My goal is to have the next revision out by June, and to send manuscripts to some a couple of published authors who I hope will support my efforts.

I'd like to publish the book by October of this year. I need to find a publisher sometime this summer. I know I can self publish, but I also want to explore other options. Please let me know if you have any ideas.

I know those are aggressive goals, especially given that this is my first book. Please pray for continued guidance, flow and inspiration from the Holy Spirit.

My Domain Is Back!

2010-03-22T21:52:00.000-07:00

My domain expired while I was focused on other things... it was painful, expensive, and complicated, but it's back!

If you sent any email to me during this time, I didn't receive it. Darn, I guess I need to pay attention to my admin account. Hopefully, things will go better next year.

Quick Update: The book editing is coming along well, though its taking longer than I had hoped. I'm enlisting some support. I have a new title that will remain super-top secret until later on.

Can Empathy Save this Country?

2010-02-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with the question: "Can Empathy Save this Country?"

I was watching the PBS NewsHour with Jim Lehrer last night, which is something I do most nights, because I enjoy seeing both sides of an issue. I came to the conclusion that I was tired of all of the bad news, especially the "bickering" in Washington. I have better things to do with my time than to waste it on what I am telling myself is a "lost cause". I usually stay away from political issues because they seem so focused on strategies, whereas I am more interested in connection -- which requires that the strategies be laid aside for a while.

Letting go of the outcome is something that our culture does not teach, except perhaps in 12-step recovery and NVC circles. It is essential for the survival of this country that the people elected to office, connect to each other across the party lines. Otherwise, I think, we are doomed to failure -- Our 234 year experiment in democracy will go bankrupt -- both spiritually and financially.

I find it interesting that the Obama Administration got elected on a sound-bite of "Empathy" for the people they serve, but they don't seem to realize that it's also required with the people they serve with -- all members of Congress. Actually, it doesn't surprise me that the politicians I see on TV don't seem to know that Empathy is a process, and not a destination. Empathy is a process of discovering the heart needs of both sides of an issue while letting go of the solution. Empathy is a process where both sides get to speak their truth while the other listens for the heart needs of the other, and reflects back what they heard. At some point, they switch roles and the other side gets to speak while the other listens and reflects back what they heard.

I decided that it might be helpful to list some of the heart needs for Health Care Reform as I see them. Remember, at this point we are trying to connect to the heart needs on both sides, while letting go of the specific strategies to solve the issue.

The Republicans seem to want a place at the table, respect, to be heard, and to contribute to the health care process. Another way to say this is they want mutuality, to be treated with the same dignity as the Democrats treat each other. I have heard that they are concerned, perhaps even scared because they want to effectively utilize the resources available to them, the means by which this country is supported financially. I'm also guessing that they are afraid of loosing their own means for supporting themselves. The Republicans also want to matter, to have an impact and their part in helping this country succeed in meeting the needs of the people.

The Democrats seem to want to contribute more directly to the health and well-being of the people they serve. They are excited because they finally have a place at the table, have a chance to be heard, and to more directly contribute to the legislation that will serve to do so. They are also trying to balance needs, and to efficiently use the resources available to them -- the financial support that the government receives from the people. They are also trying to meet needs of responsibility, and integrity by clearly defining how they intend to pay for their health care strategy. I'm also guessing that they are afraid of loosing their own means for supporting themselves. The Democrats also want to matter, to have an impact and their part in helping this country succeed in meeting the needs of the people.

The heart needs that I have listed here are universal -- all human beings have these needs and values at one time or another. In my opinion, we could all benefit if individuals from both sides of the isle were to get together and go through the process of Empathy. Given that they don't have much experience in doing so, they would probably use some help from people who know how to facilitate Empathy.

My experience tells me that admitting that there is a problem, and asking for help is not something that comes easy, especially to elected officials. I, for one, would enjoy contributing to this dialog, and know of others that could help.

Writing a Book

2010-01-12T22:41:00.000-08:00

I had a lot of fun blogging last year. Writing helped me get clear with a lot of the concepts I dealt with, and how they relate to others. So, on May 15, 2009, I started writing a book which I hope to publish this year. The title of the book is

Grace and Truth
Compassionate Communication for Christ Followers

Here's the draft of the Foreword:

My intention for this book is to contribute to increasing the quality of relationships of my readers through an integration of what I believe to be the heart of Christianity with Compassionate Communication (CC); CC is also known as “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg. This book is based on my experience and understanding. I have found that the core teachings of Jesus are essential for living a full life, and Compassionate Communication gives me a framework for putting its principals into practice; both are about becoming aware of my internal dialog so that I can be present to myself and others. I see this integration as a “spiritual discipline” of love in conversation.

I found this discipline to be somewhat difficult at first, though it became easier the more I practiced. I have participated in small groups of many kinds. The tools and philosophy in this book could be helpful in all of them, as well as in intimate relationships, the workplace, friendships, families, the teaching profession, healthcare, law enforcement, governance, and just being human. In short, it applies to any situation in which people interact and communicate.

For those who are Christian, this book will remind you of the principals of Christianity, and introduce some ways of putting them into practice. For those who are “spiritual but not religious” that would like to increase the quality and depth of connection in your lives as well as contribute to more harmony and peace in the world, this book can serve as a foundation for understanding Christians and finding common ground. This book is also for those who do not want to be identified as “Christian”, but who find inspiration in the message of Jesus. I have found that experiencing the consciousness of Christ can bring a level of healing and fulfillment where I experience awe, joy and sometimes deep sadness – all of which add to the depth of my life experience.

This book is less about intellectual Bible study than it is about applying its teachings to conversation. It is less about “belief”, and more about the practical application of the teachings of Christ. It is less about “doctrine” than about living in harmony with the values of Christ. It is definitely not about “rules contained in the law” – it is about the freedom to live in integrity, where one’s inside matches the outside. This book is about an invitation to participate and share in the loving creative expression of the gift of life, and occasionally using words to describe it.

I encourage you the reader to work the exercises, to answer and discuss the questions at the end of each chapter, and to join a Compassionate Communication practice group. My hope is that you too will find the clarity and fulfillment that I have found by following the heart & mind of Christ, and to experience his spirit of love in all of your relationships.

Playing in the Rain

2009-05-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend with my son Alex in his world. I flew out to Houston from Los Angeles to just hang out and do whatever he wanted. Last Saturday afternoon, he invited me to "go to the Bayou" on our bikes. I noticed that he took off without his helmet, so I brought my cell phone in case "an emergency developed." Being his dad, I wanted to contribute to his safety and well-being, but have come to appreciate that parenting is all about taking calculated risks. I also wanted to capture the moment, so I brought my camera.

I laughed to myself at how "complicated" things were for me trying to keep up with him -- literally -- as he sped away on his bike, and I juggled my cell phone and camera while riding my bike. I know there's a lesson in there for me... I felt a couple of water drops on my skin, and asked Alex if he felt some too. He plainly said: "Don't worry, Dad" and kept pedaling faster.

When we got to the bayou, I was surprised to find an intersection of 3 creeks, and concrete platforms on at least two sides that were visible to me. It turns out that word got out that we were headed there, so several of his friends showed up on their mountain bikes, one on a dirt-bike motorcycle, and another on an ATV (all terrain vehicle). They were riding down and up a steep hill as fast as they could.

I must admit that my anxiety rose as my protective fatherly instincts kicked in. I was telling myself things like "he's going to split his head open," "he's going too fast", "I should have made him put his helmet on." I acknowledged my concerns and connected to my desire to contribute to his safety, and remembered the goal was to have a little fun and connection in our shared experience. I've taught him as much about safety as I knew, now it's up to him to implement it. So, I got my camera out and shot some video of him and his friends going up/down the hills.

After watching this for a little while with another dad who hadn't been out there before, I decided to cast my fear away, and I rode down into the creek, crossed over and tried to bike uphill -- finding out it was tougher than it looked.

On the top of the next hill, I discovered a whole new dimension to this area which was not visible from the other side. Another creek and another set of hills with trails became visible, and I heard their invitation to ride them. I went for it -- down hill at full speed, leaning back on my bike so I wouldn't flip over, and after reaching the bottom, putting my full weight into pedaling uphill. Yeah!

I was exhilarated to be there, and I could tell from their faces that the boys were equally "stoked" to be in the adventure of it all. Then, all of a sudden, as if the sky had opened up, a bunch of water started falling on us.

I announced that "we should go now", but my son was way ahead of me, on his way up the first hill and on his way back home. The rest of us started to panic as the dirt paths were starting to get slippery. I biked down the side with concrete, which meant biking through the creek for a bit, then back up the first hill. Alex was way ahead, nearing the opening to the street; I did my best to catch up.

I was soaked within seconds. Everything was soaked, including my water-resistant camera case and my cell phone case. Little puddles were forming at the edges of the street, and I was smilling the whole time. I let out a couple of yells on my way home: "Whoah!"

By the time I caught up to my son, I realized it was pointless to rush inside. So, I invited him to play in the rain for a bit. We grabbed a dodge ball out of the garage and bounced it back and forth on the puddles of water forming in the front of the driveway. I asked Alex if he had ever played in the rain before. He said "no". We kept tossing the ball back and forth. Until I eventually started to feel cold, and he was ready to go inside for a hot shower.

But first, we took a couple of pictures so we could bask in the memory of another adventure together. Like all the others, the pictures are a reminder of the connection that we share, which transcends our time between visits and the distance between us. That's worth writing about...

The "Stupid Evil" Squirrel

2009-01-12T16:48:00.000-08:00

I spent a week over Christmas break in Kansas City. One morning, I was having a hot cup of coffee while reading the morning newspaper with a friend in her kitchen. I was sitting at a round-table next to a large glass window facing her backyard covered with white snow. As I peered out the window enjoying the expansive green and white outside, I noticed a medium sized squirrel approaching the house. When all of a sudden, I heard: "that stupid squirrel"; and a few moments later: "It's evil."

I was startled, no longer enjoying the beauty of the outdoors, and my awareness shifted to the statements made by my friend. There was at least one other name that she called the squirrel before she called herself "stupid" for some other reason.

I was alarmed for my own safety because I have experienced that same kind of judgment towards me; I was also confused because my cup of coffee hadn't worked its clarity magic yet. As things happen, my friend quickly went on to talk about other things, and I wasn't able to verbalize my experience; I need extra time to process ideas in the morning, but her comments were bothering me nonetheless. On the inside, I was concerned for my safety, peace and wanting to contribute to my friend's well-being, but I didn't know how.

I worried that if I spoke at the time, that she would hear a criticism, so I let it go. That afternoon, I tried to express my honesty concerning something totally unrelated, and I could see and hear her apply that same judgment toward herself totally breaking down our connection, leaving me frustrated and she experiencing some hurt.

We both needed a "timeout" and went to an outdoor jogging track. After sprinting one mile, I returned to the car for a nap while my friend completed her workout.

Our ride back to her home was uneventful, but I requested some time alone with her in the kitchen. We sat down at the same round table, and I told her calmly that I wanted to share some information with her, but I was worried that she would hear a judgment. I asked if she was interested in hearing what I had to say, and she said "yes". The following is my recollection of the dialog that took place in my conversation with my friend Lesley (I changed her name to protect her privacy):

"Lesley, I'm concerned at your response to the squirrel yesterday." "Would you like to hear what comes up for me?"

"Yes", my friend replied with a worried look on her face.

"I heard you call the squirrel 'stupid', 'evil' and some other name that I can't remember." I was guessing that my friend was afraid of judgment, so I tried to convey a desire to connect and understanding with my voice tone and body posture. "I am worried that you are trapped in a box of judgment and I want to contribute to your freedom." "Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?"

Lesley said, "that you are worried and want to contribute to my freedom?"

"Yes", I said. "I'm wondering if you could tell me more about what goes on with you regarding the squirrel because I'm confused by your response." "What's behind your calling the squirrel 'stupid' and 'evil'"?

Lesley said, "That damn squirrel digs up my plants in the spring, eats up all of the bird feed making a mess in the yard. And I'm afraid that he'll dig a nest in our home, bite into an electrical wire in the house causing a fire."

She gave me three reasons before I had the chance to give her empathy, so I picked the last one in her list.

I said, "So, you are afraid and wanting to keep your house safe?"

"Yes", she said. "And I have to spend a lot of time in the spring replanting my flowers after the squirrel digs them up."

I replied, "Are you feeling annoyed because you want more ease, less effort, and to protect the beauty of your garden?"

"Yes." she said. "It’s a lot of work to plant and replant the flowers."

I responded: "So, you'd like some acknowledgment for the effort it takes to replant the flowers?"

"Yes." she said.

I noticed that her body posture was starting to relax a bit, as her explanations got shorter, the sound level of her speech decreased. I wanted all of the issues to be addressed, so I asked: "Are you also feeling annoyed when you see the bird feed shells scattered around the feeder because you want more beauty and order in your backyard?"

"Yes." she said, almost in tears.

I was guessing that she had received enough empathy for now, so I asked to give my honesty. I asked her: "Would you like to know what went on for me when I heard you calling the squirrel 'stupid' and 'evil'?"

"Sure!" she said enthusiastically.

I said, "Lesley, when I hear you call the squirrel 'stupid' and 'evil' I get scared that you'll turn that judgment towards me, and I'm wanting consideration and acceptance." "Would you be willing to tell me what I just said?"

"That you are scared of my judgment?" she said. I noticed that she heard what I didn’t want instead of hearing what I did want. She was hearing part of my honesty.

"Thanks Lesley." I said. "That was close." "I really want you to hear that I want consideration and acceptance, which are the needs behind my fear of judgment.” “Would you be willing to tell me that?”

My friend seemed to be hearing me more carefully now. “So, you are want acceptance and are afraid of judgment?” she said.

“Yes.” “Thank you.” “I also want you to know that I felt some sadness because I lost connection with you." “Would you be willing to tell me that?” I said.

“That you are feeling sad because you lost connection with me?” She said.

“Thanks Lesley.” “So, how do you feel at hearing me say that?” I asked.

“Gosh, I had no idea all of this was going on.” “I’m especially sad that we lost connection.” “I know I have a tendency to judge, but I didn’t know how this affected others.” She said. After recognizing that we had a common understanding of our experience, I turned our attention toward the squirrel.

“So, Lesley, what do you think is motivating the squirrel to do the things it was doing?” I asked.

Then Lesley and I explored how the squirrel was getting its needs met. It buried nuts underneath the plants to protect them from the cold and save them for later – meeting its needs for security. The squirrel was eating the bird seed because it was hungry – meeting its need for sustenance. And the squirrel occasionally digs into homes to build its own shelter. My friend came to the realization that she was connected to the squirrel somehow; that both she and the squirrel had similar needs for food and shelter.

I was sensing that we had a full connection and deep understanding, given that both of us had given our honesty, and gave empathy to the squirrel guessing at its needs. I knew that my friend read the bible every day, so I added something for her to ponder. “Lesley, do you remember in the book of Genesis when Adam and Eve bit into the apple from the forbidden tree of the knowledge of good and evil?” She nodded. “Well, when you cast judgment on the squirrel you are doing the same thing.”

My friend had a flower arrangement in the middle of the kitchen table which happened to have apples in it. I grabbed a red shinny apple, and took at huge bite out of one for emphasis. “You are playing God with the squirrel, thinking that you have the power to cast judgment.” “And you also turn that judgment on yourself.”

We laughed a bit after I made my point with the apple. My friend expressed her gratitude to me in helping her see something that was hidden to her.

Later that day, she looked at the front page of the newspaper, and said “that stupid person, she …” It seems that old habits are hard to break.

I looked up to her, she looked down to me, and I said: “It’s not about the squirrel.”

Shoveling Snow

2008-12-26T09:20:00.000-08:00

I spent the holidays in Kansas City with my family, and especially with my father who is ill because his lungs are not functioning properly. It snowed a couple of inches a few days back and I had the opportunity to shovel snow from my father's driveway. I had planned on doing it after breakfast on my own, but was surprised to hear the conversation in my head after my father asked me to do it. I'm not sure if it was the way in which he asked in this instance, or the ways in which he asked in the past, but my first internal reaction was of resistance. I was annoyed and wanting the autonomy to make my own choices, and disappointment because I was hoping to surprise him. After I slowed down and acknowledged my internal dialog, I was able to return to the state of wanting to do it --> to contribute to the household and well-being of my family.

So, I shoveled snow while feeling joy and getting some needed exercise at the same time. And because I have never shoveled snow with joy before, I asked my sister to snap a few photos of me and I shot a few myself. I figured that joyfully shoveling snow was something worth celebrating!

An Evening of Compassionate Connecting

2008-12-07T10:51:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in my living room, in the glow of a party that I co-hosted with Craig last night. We had the intention to create the space for community to happen and it did. We started by sharing a meal, where everyone brought something to share. I enjoyed the physical manifestation of abundance, and snapped a few photos - I was overwhelmed with the food options available; a foreshadowing of things to come.

After dinner, we gathered in a circle in my living room. It was a little too warm for a fire in the fireplace, but it represented the warmth that we were hoping to achieve. As Craig described it, "we are creating the space in the fire pit, it is up to all of us to put in a log". The room was lit by a dozen or so small white tea-light candles. People were sitting in chairs, love seats, pillows and floor chairs. The city outside my window also provided some twinkling from the houses below the hill on which I live.

We used the Native American Indian strategy of a "talking stick" to remind everyone that only one's persons needs are on the table at one time. To further symbolize this, we placed a set of cards with different needs inscribed on them on a coffee table in the middle of our circle. Craig kept track of time, reminding the speaker with the sound of a bell when 3 minutes were up, and another minute or so to wrap up. After a person was done speaking, they asked who would like to share next, and chose to whom to give the talking stick.

The invitation was for people to talk about what was happening for them in their life right now (i.e. what's alive in them), and perhaps to share something creative and original. Craig and I were concerned at the "large number" of 20 or so people in the circle as we wanted to hear from everybody, but not sure if the group would be able to hold the space that long. We were pleasantly surprised at how the space was held for as long as it did, around an hour and three-quarters.

After our connecting circle time, we snapped a couple of group photos and then danced!

So, I am feeling warmly joyful as my needs for contribution were met, for the connection, community and belonging I experienced, for the opportunity of being heard and known, for the fun of all the humor, the play of dancing, and for the spontaneous back-rubs I received and gave back. I am deeply grateful for our collective shared desire of coming together to celebrate and mourn life as it presents itself, also meeting my needs for authenticity. All of these things contribute to meeting my needs for love, and sharing love with others brings meaning to my life. And that is worth celebrating!!!

Balancing Empathy and Honesty

2008-11-15T11:44:00.000-08:00

I have recently come to appreciate the importance of balancing empathy and honesty*. I seem to be pre-disposed to offering empathy due to my upbringing. I suppose that its a good thing to start with empathy because it seems to lead to a connection more frequently than when I start with honesty (especially when I express my honesty with judgment, blame and criticism).

* Empathy is listening for the feelings and needs of another person -- sometimes asking if our guesses are correct.
Honesty is expressing our own observations, feelings and needs (using "I" statements) -- after having listened internally to what's happening for ourselves (i.e. giving ourselves empathy).

I have come to realize that I sometimes experience anxiety at giving honesty out of a belief (things that I tell myself are true) that if I am honest, that other needs like connection, intimacy and closeness will go unmet. While those needs could go unment after expressing my honesty (and they did for a portion of my childhood), I had made a "cause-effect hypothesis" binding me to believe that the outcome of honesty meant emotional distance.

It has been interesting for me to note that as an adult, I was participating in relationships which sustained this pattern, that while it really wasn't meeting my needs for connection and intimacy in a consistent way, that the pattern itself was comfortable in its predictability. I couldn't see my role because I was in it -- like being inside a box and not knowing it.

So, in the past, my strategy was to suppress my honesty in an effort to influence the possibility of continuing to get these needs met -- I describe it now as "an effort to buy love." I found that as a result, this strategy generated resentment leading to anger which accumulated inside waiting for the opportunity to come out. And when it did, I made sure that the people closest to me paid a price. Ouch!

So, the cycle** appears to be:
1. propensity to give empathy without honesty (i.e. meeting the needs of others at the expense of my own)
2. external action on my part that is not consistent with my internal heart (i.e. done out of duty, obligation or to buy love)
3. internal resentment leads to accumulating anger
4. act of violence where others are made to pay a price
5. feelings of guilt and shame
6. repeat the cycle in an endless loop of insanity

As I became aware of the pattern by listening to my internal world, I am better able to make requests of myself to make different choices. These days, I am hearing my need for honesty, and also hearing the anxiety of loosing connection with those closest to me. After hearing my own truth, I am making requests of myself leading to different choices; especially expressing my honesty in ways that have the possibility of connection at the end.

Expressing my honesty with "I" statements, ending with a clear and present request to the other person: "I observe that ______ . I'm feeling ______ because I'm needing ______ . Would you be willing to ______ ?"

I have learned that "letting go of the outcome" is vital to my sanity, makes connections more likely, and it allows me to be open to abundant possibilities that come to life. I feel hope, delight and passion as it meets my needs for freedom to express my truth, balanced with the grace of empathy.

That freedom is something that I like to celebrate. It brings me joy to invite others into having this kind of conversation, as it meets my needs for contribution, connection and meaning.

I feel even more inspired as I remember what Yeshua said, "If you follow my teaching, then you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

** I am indebted to Jim and Jori Manske for pointing out this general pattern at the December 07 IIT.

In The Beginning

2008-11-11T10:49:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, I go back to reading a collection of books which inspire me. I was preparing for a workshop, and thinking of ways of laying the foundation for communicating compassionately, and I thought of the creation story of the book of Genesis.

I was surprised at what I found, as it beautifully captured the spirit of what I was trying to say. I encourage you to listen for the heart behind the words (i.e in NVC circles, the invitation is to "put on your giraffe ears" – to hear the feelings and needs being expressed).

This is just my experience -- what I hear when I read them. You, of course, may have a completely different experience. I added “italics” to words that have special significance, to be recalled later.

1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

· I hear a separateness that is longing for unity and communion. I am curious as to why...

2 The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.

· I experience a longing for form and fullness.

· I hear the "darkness" calling for light.

· I hear a spirit of adventure, an enjoyment of what is currently there - earth and water - this formless and empty space which hungers for something to fill it.

3 Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.

· Part of the longing for fullness comes from this new "light".

· This light can also be a metaphor for knowledge, related to the Greek “Logos”

4a And God saw that the light was good.

· The heart of God experienced something like joy at its creation; maybe it’s more of a statement of celebration, acknowledgment of the unique value of "light" as opposed to "darkness."

4b Then he separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day" and the darkness "night." And evening passed and morning came, marking the first day.

· As the darkness and light were separated, a pattern of things to come was being acknowledged; perhaps it could be called “balance”?

6 Then God said, “Let there be a space between the waters, to separate the waters of the heavens from the waters of the earth.” 7 And that is what happened. God made this space to separate the waters of the earth from the waters of the heavens. 8 God called the space “sky.”

· Space was created, to bring separation and opportunity for different things to happen within each. The beginning of abundance came to be. The longing for fullness, form and connection continues...

9 Then God said, “Let the waters beneath the sky flow together into one place, so dry ground may appear.” And that is what happened.

10 God called the dry ground “land” and the waters “seas.” And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, “Let the land sprout with vegetation—every sort of seed-bearing plant, and trees that grow seed-bearing fruit. These seeds will then produce the kinds of plants and trees from which they came.” And that is what happened. 12 The land produced vegetation—all sorts of seed-bearing plants, and trees with seed-bearing fruit. Their seeds produced plants and trees of the same kind. And God saw that it was good.

· I hear an abundance of food to provide nourishment, and safety that there is plenty to eat.

· I also continue to hear the celebration of what is coming to be, almost an expectation or longing to be shared with something that doesn’t exist yet, but that will be able to fully enjoy the gifts. This new creation is to live within the beauty of these gifts and to fully participate in parts of the creative process.

27 So God created human beings in his own image.
In the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.

· I hear a type of relationship being born, as human beings were created with two sides to each other – sides which God has within itself. These two sides, male and female are part of the relationship that is within us.

· These are parts of the foundation for conversations for us to have, which are part of the nature of God. These two parts of ourselves which are separate, but which dance together to form the whole of our being, bringing balance into different qualities of our nature.

2:7 Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.

· I hear Life, Balance, and Harmony being born.

· I am grateful for the life that is within me.

2:9 The Lord God made all sorts of trees grow up from the ground—trees that were beautiful and that produced delicious fruit.

· I hear Life, Beauty, Nourishment and Celebration again

2:16 “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden”

· Freedom, Nourishment

17 Except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die.”

· I hear the birth of Respect, Consideration, Integrity and Learning

· And the warning that if we eat from this tree, that we will be under the delusion that we know what is “good and evil” – that we will use this knowledge against others and ourselves in the belief that “we know better”.

· We will use this knowledge to create separation between each other, and sometimes this knowledge will be turned against ourselves. We will turn into judges and evaluate all in terms of what we think we understand to be “good and evil”, and it will tear us apart. If you eat from this tree, the spell will remain hidden within you, because it will become part of you, and it will bind you to its fruit. Beware of the fruit from this tree, for your own good!

18 “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”

· The Greek “Ezer Kenegdo” when compared to other uses of the word, can be translated into something more like “warrior companion”, and “rescuer” than “helper”

· I hear the birth of Companionship, Mutual Regard, Help, Service and Contribution

1:31 Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!

· I hear Celebration, Beauty and Meaning.

The words in “italics” above are what we call “needs”. We all have them. They have been described as “life’s energy in us seeking fulfillment.” They are gifts that give us life. They are not in conflict with each other because the source is divine, which I call “God”. They are built into the fabric of who we are, making us distinctly different from non-living things (e.g. chairs, tables, doormats). Needs are much like instruments in a symphony, and feelings are the music (telling us if and how well our needs are being met or not being met). Not all instruments are making a sound all the time, but we all have the full orchestra of needs. The appearance of conflict happens as different people have different instruments playing, and are not able to hear the other person’s music.

It is through an openness to hear the gifts of needs in ourselves and in others that understanding can take place through conversation. When two or more people are able to hear what’s alive in each other, and a common understanding is achieved, then a spirit of harmony comes alive within a dance of empathy and honesty. But this story is told much later in the collection of books, though truly, it was alive already in the form of “Logos” – the conversation.

What would it be like to bring these gifts into our conversations? How do you think your relationships would change if you were able to bring in this energy, this heart?

I’d enjoy hearing if any of this brings up anything in you.

On Singing

2008-10-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

I recently re-discovered the joy of spontaneous singing. I attended a morning session on singing at this mountain retreat last month, and was pleasantly surprised at how I felt afterward. During the session, the facilitator invited us to vocalize the vowel sounds at different times: "aaah"... "Ehhh"... "ee"... "ohhhh"... "youuu".... We did this at the same pitch for a while, then we played around with harmonizing to each other, alternating together between the vowel sounds. Then, we played around with alternating vowel sounds and harmonies independently, each person choosing which vowel to sing at whatever time at whatever pitch they wanted. We did this all with sounds, and without using words for at least 40 minutes. Then, we sang something inspired by American Indian tradition, having to do with acknowledging the wind, water, earth and fire; it was easy enough that we all could join in during the second, third and fourth refrains before breaking for breakfast.

I was surprised at how much fun I was having being creative in my own way, but also enjoying how my voice blended with the voices of the other participants - how our harmonies blended into a sort of community of sound. I also noticed a similar body sensation to when I practice Tai Chi Chuan, focused in my chest and through my arms - as though they are more alive and awake than usual. All of these things reminded me of the chanting that some monasteries practice in the mornings, and thinking how much I'd enjoy doing this on a regular basis with others. Sadly, I can't see myself doing this in my currently dwelling place, as it may disturb the neighbors (i.e. showing regard). But I look forward to doing it next time I'm in the mountains...

Morning Song

2008-10-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

i went out to the mountains
to get away from it all
the noise, the clutter,
the hustle and bustle
and found some reprieve
in nature's soft tussle

i went there for rest
and a little adventure
and maybe connection
with the creator of nature

it's communion i seek
with such divine love
which inspire me so
i leave comfort and home

my eyes do get misty
as my belly contracts
as i packed on the trail
and headed my way back

i stood on a hill
and looked back to the meadow
which brought me such joy
and yet i'm unsettled

the beauty enveloped
my soul in a way
that I felt a deep joy
and yet sadness that day

how could it have been
that this place was created?
what was in the heart
of this being that made it?

and what is inside me
that longs for this sight
which brings me to travel
so far through the night?

what words could i use
to describe such a moment,
when the sun rises up
and wakes up all that's living?

my soul wants to sing
and its just the beginning

Hike to Big Tree

2008-09-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

I spent most of my free time last week resting, as I had spent most of the previous week in the mountains. I went backpacking for 3 days with my friend "Hiker Jim" and then I went to a retreat for another 2 days.

The backpacking was an adventure, as we headed to a remote part of the San Gorgonio National Forest called "Big Tree", and we almost didn't make it. We hiked from Fish Creek, through Fish Creek Saddle. At this intersection point, Jim and I split up as he wanted to "bag a peak" on the way, and I wanted to continue towards camp (I was struggling a bit with the altitude, not quite getting enough air on the first day, and I was wanting to setup camp early for some early rest in the evening). We stayed in contact with 2-way radios.

The trail leading to Big Tree was no longer maintained by the forest service, and so we had to rely on "word-of-mouth" accounts on how to get there. I felt some anxiety based on stories of the trail, and it was now late afternoon. So, I continued on to Big Tree one-step at a time. Each step is important when carrying a 40 pound pack on one's back. After 15 minutes, Jim radio'd saying that he changed his mind and would shortly turn back toward Big Tree behind me; this turned out to be a blessing for both of us...

The trail to Mineshaft Flat (on the way to camp) was well maintained, though it got a lot rougher halfway to Big Tree. I reached a point where the trail ended in a meadow where a large ponderosa pine was living. I radioed into Jim -- he told me to look East for a creek and to cross it. I could see and hear the roar of a creek in the distance, but I could not see a path leading there through the dense tall grass and thick patches of buck-thorn -- which I called "buck-crap" or "BC" in frustration and pain, needing more ease, comfort and clarity on the trail direction. I searched the surrounding open area for the best way through; after several unsuccessful tries, I found a way that seemed to have been traveled through before, as the tall grass was leaning over in the middle.

As I made it back into the open, I realized I had stumbled into a marsh, where lots of little stream crossed through the area, each less than 2 to 6 feet apart from each other, and the grass hid most of them. Luckily for me, there was still enough daylight to ge through, though I relied on my hiking "staff" to probe the ground before taking a step. The risk here was not only in getting my boots, socks and pants wet, but also in twisting my ankle (not good any time, but more of an issue when packing 40 lbs on my back in the middle of nowhere). (I love my walking stick or "staff", as it brings me safety, stability, protection and it reminds me of my backpack trip with my son Alex where we whittled them down ~ the "staff" symbolism is a remembering of Psalm 23).

After making it past the marsh, I came upon the roaring creek, and radioed back to Jim. He suggested getting on the North dies of the creek. At this point, I was starting to feel worried as the sun was starting its decent on the horizon, and there was no dry-flat ground in sight. The creek was fast moving, and seemed to be 2-4 feet deep at points. There was a huge tree log that had fallen across the creek and provided a tempting bridge 15-20 feet above the water. There were other smaller logs and rocks below the tree log, so I decided to cross the creek there as "the penalty factor" was much lower (i.e. the price of failure is something I use in rating rock climbing routes). I went on to the other side in search of the trail.

After a short bit of wandering, I found a stack of rocks marking a trail (i.e. a "duck"). I moved forward in a quickened pace while turning on my red-headlamp for easier viewing. The path led me up and around the side of a hill into a meadow covered almost completely with "BC". The trail appeared to go right through it, but it was no more than a few inches wide and the BC was 1 to 2 feet tall. Ouch!

By this time, the sunlight was almost gone, so I radioed Jim with new of the trail, and suggested that he come my way. I was guessing the he was also feeling some anxiety and wanting a clear path to camp (duh!), but had continued to search for another way to across the creek further upstream for another 5 minutes. I decided to retrace my steps and go back to the point where I had crossed the creek. I climbed on top of the large tree crossing on the North side of the creek so that Jim could more easily see me, especially with my headlamp on. I also whistled to him so that he could follow the sound. (I was intrigued to notice that the radios were of limited help in giving us a sense of direction towards each other, and that we had to rely on light and natural sound to find each other).

As it got dark, Jim agreed to meet me at the creek crossing as I whistled and stood a top the large tree trunk. After about 5 long minutes, Jim radioed that he could see me and asked if I could see him. After a bit of searching, I could see him waving one of his poles over the tall grass. I relaxed. Not that I couldn't have found a spot on my own, pitched a tent, and survived the night in a makeshift camp -- It was more of the camaraderie and safety that came from being together as we started out together -- and he had the cooking stove!

After I saw that Jim was crossing the creek, I bolted out in search of the campsite - we were almost out of sunlight. I crossed the meadow of BC and made it to where this really big dead tree stood near a line of willows. Under the tree on the far side were a bunch of rocks circling around a flat area cleared of brush, clearly outlining a campsite.

I was pretty stoked (i.e feeling ecstatically delighted) to have found flat-dry ground suitable for us to camp. I took off my pack -- whew! What a joy to have that thing on the ground and not on me back.

Jim made it a few minutes later and seemed to continue looking. I was confused and a little annoyed that he wasn't celebrating yet - cause, I needed rest! But Jim hadn't told me that he had seen pictures of the "campsite"!!! and this wasn't quite what he was expecting. He walked a few steps East, found a duck (stack of rocks) and disappeared into the line of willows. Huh?

"James, I found it!" he said with a loud and excited voice. I walked a few steps forward, and sure enough there was a diagonal opening in the line of willows that lead into a dried out creek embankment, with flat dry land canopied by the trees on one side. The other side had another line of trees near a spring, leaving the middle of the campground open to the starry sky. There was also a circle of rocks with charred wood in the middle; clear evidence that other humans had been there before. Jim and I exchanged high fives in celebration. "Cool! We found it!"

We set up camp, and cooked the best tasting Hawaiian Chicken with rice that I'd ever had in my life, and we shared a cup of hot tea. The moon was out and bright enough that we didn't need head lamps.

Getting there was definitely and adventure, but having the tent up, air mattress filled, sleeping bag unrolled and a full belly really accentuates my experience of my basic needs for survival (shelter, sustenance and safety). And the conversation, transformed the campground into our little community. Jim slept out in the open in his sleeping bag; my tent was my home.

A Walk on the Beach

2008-09-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

I went for a walk on the beach yesterday with a friend. It was a warm summer day, with a clear blue sky, gentle breeze with a constant sun. As we walked on the sand, I was amazed with how vivid and sharp the plants on the sides of the cliffs appeared to me. I was exhilarated and giddy with the beauty and the depth of the blue-green waves, which kept me snapping pictures of them. Every now and then a wave would rise up and show itself as transparent light green right before it let go and fell to the sand. This is the "green room" where surfers try to go when riding waves. At this particular beach break, the room did not last long. But it was fun to watch when it showed itself, and I tried to take pictures of it.

Life has been pretty calm and regenerative for me lately, even though I seem to be doing lots of fun things, like walking, talking, hiking, offering workshops, and occasional dancing. I am open to the freedom of living in abundance and in celebrating the gift of life. I am grateful for the experience of living from the heart and mind, the strength and health of my body, and the celebration of the spirit that comes alive when I engage in conversation with friends. For me, this conversation about the nature of life, my relationship to others, myself and the love that lives through it, is for me a glorious opportunity not to be missed*.

* Remembering a translation by Professor Clive Scott of John 1:1-14, based on Erasmus' translation of "Logos" as "Conversation".

Backpacking with Alex

2008-08-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

It has been an intense summer for me. My son Alex and I spent most waking hours in a flurry of play, adventure, exercise, dialog and Olympics viewing (there was also some "math play" involved, but we won't go there now). He has gone back to his mother's for school, and I am left feeling a bit sad and missing his company. At the same time, I'm relieved to be able to get the rest that I need, and get my home back in order -- closer to providing the comfort that most supports my time at home.

Alex and I had many fun times together, too numerous to list here. One memorable time was going to an orphanage in Mexico, and seeing him interact with the kids. I'm impressed on how easily they are able to show mutual regard and also play together. At our last trip, we took the children to a swimming pool. One of our trip leaders demonstrated scuba diving, and Alex very readily learned and assisted in the training - eventually taking over the teaching as the adult leader needed rest from all of the swimming.

But, hands down, my favorite activity this summer happened on our backpacking trip to John's Meadow in the San Gorgonio National Forest. It was here that I was able to celebrate Alex's life stage and encourage him into his teenage years with a "Rite of Empowerment". I wanted to pass on some of the wisdom I have gathered up until now, to give him an idea of where I'm coming from -- so that he has a good foundation from which to move ahead, to show him support and encourage him to be himself in spite of external cultural pressures. I had three other adult male friends along with me, which I believed understood my intention and hope for this trip. My friends came through with their own gifts of wisdom and celebration; I am grateful for their presence and support. I thought about my letter to Alex months beforehand, but finished it a week before our trip. The content of the letter is a private matter, and the details of what happened are also between us. But I have to say something about my experience, as I felt a deep joy and gratitude as the intention and the gift that I offered to him were fully received, meeting deep needs for contributing, of meaning and love. And that's worth celebrating!

Bowling Water Bottles - Recycling Day

2008-08-16T17:57:00.000-07:00

The empty water bottles were packed and stacked on top of each other; they kept falling over in my garage as the mountain of plastic grew. My son Alex said to me "Dad, you really need to recycle those..." So, yesterday we did recycle them, but not before we had a little fun. Alex wanted to stack the bottles up in a pyramid structure, and toss a bowling ball at them. I let him try, but those things don't stack because they don't hold their shape (i.e. they are single use -- they were designed to only be used once, and then they are to be discarded).

So, he tried the next best thing -- he stacked the boxes and bags of bottles on top of each other, and bowled them away. Here's the video:

For us, it was a symbolic goodbye to the single-use water bottle -- as we took the Surfrider Foundation pledge to drink only out of reusable containers.

NVC encourages us to get our needs met, but only if it also meets the needs of others (i.e. not at the expense of others). I was drinking out of single use bottles to get my need for "ease" met -- (i.e. the bottles are pretty darn convenient). I realized that the plastic bottles adversely affects the environment and wildlife creating a problem for me -- it does not meet my needs for integrity, mutuality, and contributing to the wellbeing of others.

As I read more information about plastic, I also discovered that there are also health risks to using them, especially when the plastic bottles are subjected to heat. I used to keep a case of bottled water in my back seat, but started to notice that the water tasted funny after they had been sitting in my car in the Southern California heat -- now I know why :-(

I'd enjoy hearing how any of this strikes you.

Plastics Are Forever

The Truth About Plastic

Freshen Up Your Drink

Sunscreen Destroyer Ceremony

2008-08-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Alex said he is frustrated with the sunscreen that I (his dad) apply to his face and body every morning -- I'm guessing he's annoyed and wanting more comfort and autonomy. I want to contribute to his long-term health. This video shows how empathy can be helped by action. Alex decided he wanted to mark up a bottle of sunscreen, and run it over with my car a few times. It was fun!

Matt's Dance - Can You Do It?

2008-07-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, I run into a video that captures an important element of my journey and I want to share it. In NVC circles, I've heard this called a "remembering" of the intention, the heart behind nonviolent communication. So, when I saw this video, I was moved and wanted to post it here because it ties in with my recent experience/blog entry "Dancing Jackals Away". The video met my needs for fun, celebration, community, shared experience and meaning. Posting this blog meets my needs for contributing to other people's freedom from jackals***.

Please watch this video and comment.

Here are a few things that I noticed: Matt seems to enjoy dancing. Matt is doing his own dance, regardless of where he is located. Matt seems aware of the people around him, and seems to enjoy their company; but he keeps on dancing to his own rhythm. Every now and then, he modifies his dance to match that of other dancers. I'm guessing that the variety of the locations for his dance is part of his celebration of beauty and diversity in the world. People around him seem to enjoy joining him in his dance. I wonder: Are they feeling joy because they are wanting to celebrate life and a world community? Or, are they feeling happy and just like dancing? After watching this video for the second time, I decided to try Matt's dance style in my room, in front of the mirror. It was fun -- I laughed. It was a connecting experience for me.

Are you moved to dance? Are you feeling joy and wanting to join the party? If you are not moved to dance, what are you telling yourself that is keeping you from dancing? Are your "jackals***" keeping you from dancing? If you are not able to dance, please ask yourself why; keep knocking on doors until one of them opens. Maybe, seek out people who seem to enjoy dancing and ask them how or why they do it. This is a party and everyone's invited. Will you accept the invitation?

*** "Jackals" are critical/judgmental thoughts that we have of ourselves and others. Also called "inner critic", "critical parent", "the comittee", and other less than complimentary evaluations.

Money for Food - for thought

2008-07-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

I went to main beach in Corona Del Mar on Friday evening for my weekly beach volleyball fix. My son Alex decided to skim board instead. While he was out there, he ran into his friend Robbie, and they traded off skimming on his board. After each volleyball game, I went out to check up on Alex, to make sure everything was ok (contributing to our needs for safety, peace and adventure). On my last trip out to check on him, his friend came up to me and told me that "they were hungry," "that they didn't have any money," and "do you have any money?"

I was surprised at the directness of his request. My jackals were telling me "how could he do this?" "it's rude and not proper!" I tried some "lame" empathy, "so you are hungry and don't have any money?" He said "yeah! Alex and I are hungry -- do you have any money?" This time, Alex yelled out from his skimming: "Dad, we're hungry! Can we have some money to buy food at the new beach restaurant?"

So, I answered "yes, I have some money," and walked away. I was feeling annoyed because I was wanting autonomy and I was hearing a demand. As I walked back to the volleyball court, I thought about my need for autonomy and their need for food, and how I might contribute to getting all of our needs met.

It was clear to me that indeed they were hungry (and it wasn't just some kid trying to "scam some money"), as now Alex joined the chorus. Robbie walked off a bit, and I had a chance to ask Alex how much he needed -- he said he didn't know because the restaurant was new.

I gave Alex $5. He ran off with Robbie and they discovered that prices were higher than they expected. But they bought an ice-cream treat and shared it. I didn't see Robbie after that, and Alex eventually came back telling me he was still hungry and wanted to buy fried cheese sticks for $4.50. I told him he could have another $5 if he gave me a couple -- he said yes. So, I got to taste the cold cheese sticks with BBQ sauce, and celebrated how great they tasted as I too was getting hungry.

After dinner, I began to think about my internal conversation regarding "my money", someone else's need for sustenance, and decided this was a topic worth writing about.

What would you do if someone asked for money to buy food? What do you do, and what is the conversation that you have with yourself and with the other person? How do you balance your need for autonomy with someone else's need to eat?

Baseball!

2008-07-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

I had some friends over on Friday to celebrate our day of independence. A friend gave me 4 tickets to a ball game the next day, and we jumped on 'em. They were great tickets down the first base line, we were free that evening, and the tickets were free. Got to the stadium, and my son and I started advertising for the 4th ticket. "Extra ticket!" "Extra ticket!" No takers. Then we said "Free Ticket!", "Free Ticket!" -- and a family of 5 that was converging to the stadium with us told us that they were looking for a ticket. I said "great, here you go." The mom said, "well, would you like some money for it?" "You, know; to buy a drink or something?" "We were going to buy a ticket anyway." I said "sure, that would be great". "Give me whatever you want." So, she called up her husband, who was 10 feet in front of us by now, practically running for the gate. "Honey, give this man some money!," she said. I wish I had my camera ready - the look on his face said something like "are you nuts?" "we scored a free ticket here!" "you want to give this guy money?". I smiled, and repeated my earlier sentiment. "It's ok, just give me whatever you want." The guy was definitely struggling with the amount -- the "vibe" between us was totally different than with the woman, so, I said, "ok, how about 10 bucks?" After a few strained moments in his wallet, he pulled out several green sheets of paper money and handed them over. And so it was.

At this point, I was actually ahead $2 because parking was $8. But, hey -- getting paid $2 to take your son and mother to a ball game ain't bad. Of course, as a captured audience, we bought food, drinks and snacks at outrageous prices (bratwurst 7, pizza 9, two frozen lemonades 10, cotton candy 4, snuck in bottled water 0).

We had a great time. My son and I had our mitts on and wanted to catch a foul ball. Actually, I think I wanted to catch a ball more than he did. I wore my mitt religiously throughout the game. I think Alex wore his till the 5th inning, and then focused on eating. There's something special about baseball for us. Alex loves to play it, wear the uniform, and imagine that he's out there on the field playing ball -- making the play that saves the game, or hitting the winning home run. I used imagine myself being out on the field too, but this time, I just enjoyed being there. Something about the green grass, the smell of leather from my glove, the bright lights above, my son and mom getting along for the moment, and the crowd of cheering fans all around us -- and "I" was one of "us". I love baseball, and the constitution that made it possible. It meets my needs for freedom.

Dancing Jackals Away

2008-06-22T12:07:00.000-07:00

Two Saturdays ago, I was invited to go dancing and was surprised at my experience. The dance form is whatever I wanted it to be; a free-style improvisation based on whatever I wanted to express through movement -- synchronized in any way I wanted. I was thrilled to experience this freedom of movement, self- and other-acceptance, and self-expression while having fun. I was intrigued, so I went back again yesterday. I realized that this type of dancing went beyond just having fun. As I continued dancing, I realized that I was experiencing a deeper joy as my needs for community, shared-experience and healing were met. Healing? I was surprised by the last one -- healing (i.e. growth, learning).

My experience is that through dance, the jackals*** have little recourse but to show themselves, providing a unique opportunity for healing -- somehow transforming them so that they don't control me. Of course, the first step towards healing is to become aware of the thought -- to observe the jackal and to hear what it is saying. Here's a short list of some of my jackals that came up during different times:

* "What am I doing, I look stupid doing this?"
* "I don't know how to dance."
* "Do I fit in here? Am I doing it right?"
* "I'm not wearing the right clothes. I need wilder more edgy ones."
* "That's bizzare! What are those people doing on the floor gazing in each other's eyes barely touching each other?"
* "Those men are in a circle breathing intentionally louder. Weird."

So, traditional NVC would suggest several rounds of empathy for each jackal thought (i.e. listening for possible feelings and needs). For instance, "Jackal, are you feeling anxious because you are wanting acceptance?" But my experience was that through dance, as so many of my needs were getting met, that the jackals had no power over me. As the critical thoughts came up, I'd hear them, smiled and I just kept dancing. It seemed as though, the needs themselves took care of the jackals with little effort of my own. Or maybe, given my pre-disposition to value my needs as divine gifts from a loving creator that I fully embrace and celebrate, that the jackals have no power over me? It seemed to me that the jackals were trying to "steal" the experience of the moment away from me; but as I celebrated the beauty of my life experience in the moment of dancing, that something that transcended me took care of the jackals and gave me the ability to live life to its fullest -- at least in the moment.

There were times when I looked around the room and smiled widely, as I thought of King David in ancient times dancing in ways that I am guessing were similar to the dancing going on in that room. And that he, like us were celebrating the gift of life and feeling deeply grateful, worshipful. This gift from a loving God that wants us to live a life of abundance, as that life, love and spirit comes alive within me --> It really makes me want to DANCE!!!

*** Jackals are critical/judgmental thoughts directed inwardly towards ourselves, or outwardly towards others.

Manhattan Spaces

2008-06-17T09:22:00.000-07:00

I recently spent three weeks on a work project near Manhattan New York. My work surrounded me with computers, cables and boxes. When things reached a point when I needed a break, I'd go for a short walk to a place with a window facing outside, and I'd seek out a tree that was clearly visible from the hallway. As I gazed upon it, I felt a quiet joy as I looked to this tree, as it reminded me of life outside of the cage.

By the time the weekend rolled around, I really needed to get out of my room, so I went to the various park spaces in Manhattan. I did a lot of walking from place to place over three weekends, only taking the subway twice after my feet told me they'd had enough -- an I listened.

I was struck by the beauty hidden in the midst of a large city, as if city planners knew what people needed to live surrounded by sky scrapers, traffic jams, and lots of other people. The parks are spread throughout the city, and teemed with life of all kinds. Most notably, trees and humans. I had fun watching and enjoying both. I noticed that a large majority of people showed regard to each other through giving each person their space to be (of course there were a few exceptions of people with microphones and audio amplifiers who seemed to want to contribute some information they considered important to anyone within audio range -- I felt annoyed as I was wanting peace, regard and freedom to have my own experience, thoughts and feelings).

I observed many people just sitting, alone and in silence, staring forward with eye-lids frozen just a few feet away from another person doing the same - and I saw it over and over again. These people could have been resting, praying, meditating, thinking, composing, planning, observing, or just plain old being; there's no way to know unless I asked them, but I chose to show the same regard that each person seemed to be offering the other, and let them be. The silence of these people stimulated my own curiosity, which I am expressing here. It felt as though the silence made a sound which I thought I heard. There were others reading, and others sunbathing. I was surprised to find an outdoor library in the park under the shade of a bunch of trees -- way cool!

The trees seem to be the center-pieces for creating livable space within the parks, providing shade, oxygen and something ethereal -- like they know they are there for a reason, standing tall, strong at the base and yet loosely flowing on top; their green color inspiring life, protection and comfort. I imagined that they were witnessing everything around them and hoping that we choose connection instead of separation, compassion instead of violence, empathy before honesty...

I also observed small groups of people sitting together talking, playing chess, playing in a water fountain, singing in groups, dancing individually around others that were standing still. I enjoyed a sense of community, as there were people of all ethnic groups sharing space in the parks and showing regard for each other. I felt hopeful that WE could similarly get along in other parts of the country and in other parts of the world.

Overall, I enjoyed my hikes through Manhattan, but three weeks away from home is a long time. I am glad to be back in my own space with a view of trees, hills and sky, with my potted plants, my own bed and pillows. I am slowly reconnecting with people I haven't seen in a while. Its nice to be home; there's no place like it!

Stroll Through Manhattan

2008-06-03T05:16:00.000-07:00

I went for a long walk through Manhattan last Sunday. I was more excited to go this time (no anxiety), as I was better prepared than in my first adventure. I had my backpack, with plenty of water, emergency granola, an apple, extra cash, jacket, rain gear, a map and a compass. I had a clearer idea of the transportation options and the terrain. On the bus on the way there, I remember smiling at the thought that going to New York wasn't much different than backpacking in the mountains -- just with more people, less nature and much more noise.

In my first trek, I hiked from the NJ Port Authority to the United Nations (from 8th Ave to 1st Ave on 42nd street) , where I felt inspired by the artwork and vision portrayed in the lobby. I wasn't able to see the council chambers since the tours were closed on Sundays, but I managed a few photos and souveners.

My second trek led me to buy tickets to SPAMalot at the Shubert Theatre. It was just the kind of witty off-color humor I needed after a long work week in technology land. Here I met an arts student from Los Angeles; what a small world.

My favorite spontaneous adventure was strolling through Bryant Park, and sitting down in a chair under a tree for a while -- reading, thinking, watching people going about their park experience, and just generally being there soaking it all up (I like doing this kind of thing when I travel). I happened to sit in a table diagonally across a walkway from three New York women (or so I guessed from their laptops, books and relaxed manner). I had noticed them before, but was intrigued to see that one of them was showing off her "new" tatoo to her other friends -- I was pleasantly distracted from my phone conversation with Craig (I wish I would have told him sooner).

As time went by, I noticed they were reading a book by one of the story tellers I blogged about last time, and I had the urge to strike up a conversation with them. But something was holding me back! My darn "jackals**" were keeping me from connecting with these gals. They were saying things like "you will disturb their time at the park", "who are you to approach three gals in a park?" -- I was feeling anxious because I was wanting connection and acceptance, and these critical thoughts kept me from approaching them. I think that a part of me was also feeling anxious as I was wanting more comfort and safety of knowing the social "vibe" of the park. And I had this debate with myself long enough that it got to be time to go to the play, which started at 7 PM. I got up from my table to go to the bathroom, and came back to notice they were gone. Darn! Now I have to live with the regret of not at least trying. It may sound weird, but I secretly hope one of them will Google "Bryant Park" and find this... But more likely, I will feel sad and frustrated, which may provide the motivation to continue my jackal** inventory work!

But just in case, if you see this, please shoot me an email, would ya?
Warmly,
James

** Jackals are critical thoughts that steal life and opportunity.

The Gift of Story

2008-05-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

I've been travelling a bit lately -- to New Jersey, New York, Texas, and then back home to Southern California. I've met quite a few people from all over the world. In Jersey, I met a man from Ghana Africa. He told me of the village that he grew up in, how they used to gather during a full moon to tell stories. People would take turns telling their story while everyone else listened -- while giving regard to the speaker and their message. Someone might want to contribute a song related to the story, raise their hand, and the speaker would decide to allow it or not.

Two weekends ago, in Houston, I attended a large weekly gathering of people with my son Alex, his mother and step father. It really felt like a global village, as there were people of all different colors: black, brown, white, olive. We sang together, I got to shake hands with a few new people, put my arm around Alex's shoulder, sang and listened. Most of the people seemed to be there to celebrate the gift of love, to listen to stories for the purpose of learning, improving their lives, and contributing to the lives of others.

Last weekend, I went white-water rafting in the Kern River, and again, I was struck at how often I noticed how we tell stories to each other. I noticed that in each case, when we as a group gave enough space to the speaker, that the speaker's heart and mind was fully engaged in telling their story, and in sharing the wisdom that they had discovered through study and life.

And so, I was reminded of the beauty of story telling, and how important of a role that it plays in my life -- in our lives -- and how much fun I am having in hearing and celebrating the need to contribute to the wellbeing of others. And sometimes I learn something to help me in my own journey.

It reminds me of the time that my mother decided to celebrate Christmas in July by reading me a story called "The Gift of Story" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. We sat on her deck in Kansas City, and she wanted to share with me a parable about what is enough. I remember that it was a sunny day, the flowers were in full bloom, and I could smell the aroma of freshly cut grass. I could hear lots of different types of birds singing, and I heard the voice of my mother read the story to me. I remember how soothing and calming it felt. I remember that every now and then, her voice would quiver as the stories within a story came to be, almost like a seed sprouting to life. I also remember feeling my throat tighten a bit, as I discovered the wisdom that had been passed on from generation to generation through the story. As she finished, I remember crying tears of joy and tears of sadness all in one breath, and sharing that moment with my mother. I remember feeling grateful as I learned something about what is enough, but especially feeling joy as my she cared enough to read to me -- and to pass on a gift of wisdom through her love.

I enjoyed it so much that a few months later, when the December rolled around, I told the story of my mother celebrating Christmas in July by reading a parable on what is enough. I remember that all seven of us men were gathered at Craig's house, and we had a fire going in the fireplace...

Conflict in Union Square - Manhattan New York

2008-05-10T21:07:00.000-07:00

I spent the day walking through Manhattan. On my way to get in line for "rush tickets" for a performance named "Fuerza Bruta" (translated "brute force" from Spanish) on Broadway near Union Square, in ran into what appeared to be a conflict between two men. I heard them speaking to each other in voices louder than I am comfortable with, observing their mouths to be open wider than I am used to seeing, with each person closer to each other than I would be comfortable with in a conversation with a stranger, and I observed each one use their hands to point at the other person (observation*). I took several pictures to share what I saw in this blog. As their "loud" conversation progressed (evaluation*), I saw more and more people gather around them to watch. This "argument" went on for several minutes, and did not seem to get resolved (evaluation*). I was guessing that both people were feeling angry as they were wanting understanding from the other person (empathy). After a while, I observed the younger man walk away from the older man, and I took the opportunity to talk with each side of the debate.

* In NVC its important to differentiate observation from evaluation.

Here's what I heard from a companion of the man with the grey hair. Their group had been meeting in the square for several years to express their concern for how the money from their country -- the US -- was being used to "oppress" the Palestinian people. I heard them tell me that they were also concerned for the well-being of the Palestinians, as they are wanting freedom, education, and a better life for them. One of them told me that they were afraid to express themselves even in this country, as it seemed "politically incorrect" to question the US policy towards Israel and the Palestinians -- they were wanting to be heard, and they were wanting safety as they expressed themselves.

After I thought I understood this side of the issue, I approached the younger man in blue as he was sitting on a fence about 20 feet away from the other group. I said something like "excuse me; I heard you talking loudly to the other man over there." "Would you be willing to tell me what you were trying to tell him?" He and his friend seemed excited to tell me their side, and proceeded to tell me that they had lived in Israel, and that they were concerned for the safety and survival of their country. They were concerned that the Palestinians were not speaking with one voice, and they were wanting more integrity, consistency -- and they were also wanting peace in their country. I specifically asked them if they cared about the well-being of the Palestinians, and they said "yes" -- that both of them had friends that were Arab, and one of them was dating a woman who was Muslim.

I asked these men if they wanted to know why I was talking to them, and proceeded to tell them about nonviolent communication (NVC), how I was wanting to contribute to Peace, and how they might be able to have more effective dialogs in the future -- getting their point across, while maintaining a connection with the other person. The man in blue said he would check out my website (please comment if you read this). I wish I would have taken a picture of my new Israeli friends, but at least we were able to end the conversation with a feeling of brotherhood and a hope for peace.

By the time I had finished talking to the second group, the first group had decided to pack up and leave. I approached my earlier contact from the first group, and they told me that they were tired and wanted to go home. I hadn't really planned this, but I was willing to mediate the conflict.

I AM OVERSIMPLIFYING WHAT I HEARD. The truth is that I heard a lot of criticism and judgment from both sides, and the first group was very vocal about some strategies that they felt were important to their cause. They had many pictures to make their point.

I chose to express what I heard through my "NVC giraffe ears" (hearing feelings and needs) here to make a point. Yes, this is an oversimplification of the issues, but I believe each side's feelings and needs to be the start of an important dialog. That conversations are more likely to succeed when the truth of feelings and needs of each side are expressed. It is through this truth that freedom and abundance can be experienced.

I was unable to get a ticket for the "Fuerza Bruta" performance in the theater, but I am now appreciating the irony with what I was expecting to see and what I experienced outside. I am grateful to have witnessed the conflict and to have contributed to some understanding on both sides, however small. I pray that both sides of this "Union Square" conflict be open to hearing the other side, and to express themselves with a regard for the feelings and needs of the other person and of themselves.

I also pray that the parties of the greater conflict to eventually be able to reach mutually satisfying strategies in which the needs of all sides are met, and that peace will become a reality in the Middle East. On that note, I must end with another picture from my day in Manhattan, which I hope speaks for itself.

Mountain Retreat Celebration and Mourning

2008-04-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a retreat in the San Bernadino National Forest in Southern California with about 120 other growth-oriented people. This was the first time in several years that I had attended this retreat. It was interesting for me to observe how differently I was behaving and "showing up" to people compared to my previous experiences. I felt much more alive, spontaneous, and real as I was behaving in ways more consistent with what was going on inside me. I had a lot more fun and experiencing deeper connections than I had in the past with people I had not met before. I really enjoyed the community of participants as everyone seemed open to look at themselves, talk about it, and in some cases take bold steps toward health -- this really met my needs for authenticity, honesty and safety. I enjoyed drumming with others, singing karaoke, dancing at three different times, practicing T'ai Chi Chih, went on a hike, went to various workshops and gatherings, and got a massage. I learned that Empathy is the "Yin" and Honesty is the "Yang" side of Chinese philosophy.

I also presented a couple of workshops titled "Compassionate Connecting" and "Empathy & Honesty". The feedback I received was generally positive; I'm looking forward to reading my feedback forms. I am feeling a great joy at having contributed a new way of communicating to people, and at hearing them express their gratitude. I am celebrating that my needs to contribute, of meaning, community, to be seen, to be heard, and of connection were met.

I am also mourning the connections that I was not able to make, though I look forward to the opportunity to give it another go next time.

I am grateful for the simple gifts that I received, for the authenticity of the people and of the beauty of the natural surroundings which contained us. It felt wonderful to be away from the busyness of the city. Thanks for reading! Would you be willing to "comment" on this post if this stimulated anything in you? This would meet my needs for support and for contributing to building community.

Hiking El Morro Canyon

2008-04-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

"Hello" "(hello, hello)" "Is there anybody out there?"

I went on a hike today at El Morro Canyon near Crystal Cove in South Orange County. I was expecting clouds and cold, but I had to put plenty of sunscreen on, as I was gloriously surprised with sun and no clouds. It was beautiful out! I took a few pictures with my phone, as my Nikon is still being repaired... (I'm feeling annoyed and frustrated as I'm wanting to express my creative self through quality pictures, and my phone-cam's colors just don't match reality).

It was interesting to think back on my hike and how different the two halves were. In the first half, I found myself thinking about the connection I was expecting from a friend that canceled at the last minute, and feeling a little bummed about that (a form of sadness, but not as intense). I observed myself thinking of running into people I knew on the trail, and running into strangers instead (the heart, I think is a little funny that way).

On the second half of the hike, I was really soaking in the beauty of the place and noticing all of the details -- all of the life around me and below me. A little green worm caught my eye. It was furiously crossing the trail from left to right (East to West). I was puzzled at how a worm barely an inch long could know where to go, and to risk its life to cross an 8 to 10 foot wide path just to get to the other side -- that's 120 body lengths and its visibility (not sure if it even has eyes) are not even a quarter inch off the ground. I was amazed at how quickly it was moving, and how clearly it seemed to know where to go. How does it know? Does it know?

I also noticed a beetle crossing the path in the same direction, though not as neatly in a straight line -- it was more zig-zagging it's way to the other side. Much more quickly than the worm, but it took many more steps to make the same distance.

I was pretty well captivated by the green of the hills and the occasional patches of flowers. I kept wondering to myself how beautiful everything was, when all of a sudden, the path opened up again around the corner and the blue ocean came into view - it was breath taking. Then, it seemed that I could hear the voice that created the beauty speak as if smiling along with me, and celebrating that I was enjoying it all and listening. I no longer felt alone - cause I wasn't.

Rock Chalk, Jayhawk, KU!

2008-04-07T23:22:00.000-07:00

I am celebrating the victory of my "alma mater" the Kansas University (KU) Jayhawks in the NCAA Men's National Championship tonight. I typically don't watch sports on television, since I prefer to actually participate in them. But this year, I was drawn to their basketball team as they advanced through the tournament.

I watched the semi-finals while in Santa Barbara this weekend. It was fun to hang out with my friend Dave, and to meet other Jayhawk fans from around the country. I introduced myself to several of them and we had our own little KU cheering community.

Tonight, I had several friends come over to my place to cheer KU onto victory. It actually looked pretty grim, in the second half with only 2 minutes left, the Jayhawks were down by 9 points. It seemed almost miraculous that we tied and went into overtime. I was ecstatic, excited and happy as our team played so well in the final minutes. I got to jump, yell, whistle, and "high 10" my friends after it was all over. I couldn't believe it!

I enjoy the KU basketball tradition and having the Jayhawk as our mascot, which has come to symbolize spirit of comradeship associated with efforts to keep Kansas a free state during the Civil War. And so, I find myself striving for freedom for myself and others around me, and finding more and more as I get clear on my own reality, and by communicating with others through empathy and honesty. And the freedom, as well as the joy that I feel tonight after sharing an evening with my friends is worth celebrating. I am grateful to live in a home, with basic needs for safety, justice and sustenance met, and wish that the rest of humanity could say the same.

On Prayer

2008-04-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine of 10 years recently asked me if I wanted to be his "prayer partner". Since, I've been checking on all of my assumptions this year, I asked him what he meant by that. He said that prayer was his way to acknowledge his connection to God, to give thanks for everything, to acknowledge what was going on in his life, to ask for things that he wanted, and finally to let go of the outcome. By "God", he meant the "divine being" that created him and everything around us.

I was ok with those definitions, but I wanted to clarify a few things with him. I wanted to acknowledge the creator, which gave me the following gifts that I would be using in our prayer time: the power of reason that allows me to make observations and make requests (i.e. the "mind"), and the feelings and needs that were given to me and give me life (i.e. the "heart").

I connect to God through plain-old-conversation, especially by saying what is alive for me in the moment; and he could help me by listening and reflecting what I said (i.e. to give me "empathy"). Then, if he wanted, he could tell me what was stimulated inside him after hearing what I said (i.e. to give me his "honesty"). We could then switch roles.

When I acknowledged things in my life, I might start with an observation of something that happened, and then say how I felt and the need that was associated with the feeling. The feelings are an internal indicator, which tell me if the need is being met or not.

When I asked for things that I wanted, I would be sure to say the need that would be met, and perhaps to suggest a strategy to meet the need.

I have found that it is important to differentiate between the strategy and the need. For example, I've been wanting more connection in my life (i.e. the need is "connection"). There are numerous strategies to meet that need: calling a friend, getting together with a friend, "Skype" a friend, joining an NVC practice group, going out on a date, inviting people over, prayer, meditation, ...

My requests would be clear and present, directed towards God, towards him or others, or towards myself. For example, "would I be willing to call a friend tomorrow morning to set up a lunch date on Tuesday?"

We realized that the concepts behind our descriptions were close. Once we came to an agreement on what prayer was to be for us, I asked him about the "partner" part, and what his expectations might be. He said that he would like to talk at least once a week. I acknowledged his desire for connection, but that I couldn't sign up to a fixed schedule because it would take the joy and spontaneity out of our connection. And, I wouldn't want to make an agreement that I likely would not keep because of my need for integrity and respect. He told me that he was a little confused, so I suggested the following strategy. That he could call me when he felt like praying and/or connecting, and I would answer if I could or get back to him that same day to let him know if I was up to talking; or if I was in the middle of something else, I would suggest a time when we could talk. Then he would let me know if that worked for him.

This seemed to work for us, so we agreed to do it. Funny thing is that we have been doing it this way already. This verse came to mind:

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Connecting Without Words

2008-03-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

I was reminded last weekend of the inherent wisdom, innocence and beauty of children, and how I have received so much from watching my son Alex and how he impacts the people around him.

We were invited over for dinner and connection over to Bryan-Julie's home, where they have a 2-year old daughter named Sierra who is just beginning to communicate with words. Once we arrived, Alex almost immediately went over to her and started to talk to her in his own way. He introduced himself and proceeded to teach her how to give "high-fives" where he would raise his hand, and he would pull her hand toward his. They must have played at that for at least 5 minutes. After a while, Alex went to show off his new skateboard tricks and play catch with her dad Bryan.

After dinner and after some time of connecting, it was Sierra's turn to get ready for bed, so Julie took her away to the bathroom. Around this time, I told Alex that it was time for us to go to our gaming fun night at Dave & Busters. After saying goodbye to everyone in the living room, and while working our way toward the door, Julie brought Sierra out to say goodbye because Sierra was crying and calling out for Alex by saying his name. When the two got together, Sierra raised her hand, and when Alex raised his, she proceeded to give Alex a series of "high-fives" one right after the other. She did this with a large beautiful smile on her face, which said "joy" all over it.

All of the adults standing around the children were mesmerized by the purity and innocence of the moment. Alex was touched by her gesture, and returned the high-fives with a kiss on the cheek. Nathan was quick on the draw of his IPhone, which has a camera on it, and happened to catch it in the moment.

We all felt a deep joy in celebrating Sierra's connection with Alex, our connection as a community, and the beauty that these children were showing us -- just by being themselves. This incident reminded me of something I read long ago:

"We must become like little children in order to enter the kingdom of heaven."

A New Chapter

2008-03-26T08:15:00.000-07:00

Last week was filled with quality time with my son Alex. So, taking him to the airport for his flight back to Houston brought some sadness for me on Sunday. Though I got temporary relief from it as my sister, who lives in Seattle happened to have a layover in LAX on route to Maui. I was able to meet her for lunch in Hermosa Beach with a couple of her friends. We had fun chatting, celebrating Easter, the weather, and playing a bit in the sand and getting our feet wet before she had to catch her flight. Afterwards, I went roller-blading on the Strand North to Manhattan Beach and then South to Redondo Beach and then back to 15th Street, where I had parked. I felt a quiet sense of awe at all of the beauty around me; it was a gorgeous day as the sun was out, there weren't too many clouds, the ocean was a deep blue, and I enjoyed watching all of the different people around me.

After I was done roller-blading, I got back to my car and started driving South on the Pacific Coast Highway, or PCH. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew that general direction felt right. I ended up driving through my old neighborhood -- my old hang-out spots, and had my own little trip through "memory lane". I ended up parking my car in a section with a panoramic view of the ocean that I had not been to in 10 years. I found a bench near my car and sat there quietly, looking out on the ocean, noticing all of the details, and generally just taking it all in.

There were quite a few surfers catching waves when they could, children playing in the sand and running away from the waves, people walking and bike riding on the Strand below, pelicans flying about and diving for fish, and occasionally I'd see schools of dolphins jumping out of the water here and there. I was stirred and felt serene as I soaked in my surroundings. And yet I also felt some sadness, which went deeper than saying goodbye to my son. I was able to just sit with the feeling for a while in the hopes of getting some clarity on what was taking place inside.

I realized that the last time I had been at that particular place had been the day 10 years ago that I signed my final divorce papers. I remember overlooking the ocean and seeing a deep purplish-blue that seemed to take on a life of its own. I remembered thinking that the ocean whispered a quiet reminder of the divine being which created me and everything in sight, and that the water could envelop and cleanse all of the "dirt" and pain off my soul. This time, I was again reminded of the whisper, but I felt joy at being in a very different place, where I am experiencing more authenticity, freedom, much more integrity in my life (where my outside matches my inside), and a clarity to appreciate more of the meaning behind it all. And yet, I also felt the sadness at looking at all of the struggles and challenges that it took to get here. I experienced the closing of a chapter, and the beginning of a new one. I was feeling grateful for where I am now, and hopeful that I will find purpose, something unique to contribute, and intimacy in my future. And I was grateful for the abundance and grace around and within me, that was available to me at no cost; I just had to be open to receive it. That gift is worth celebrating!

Left and Right Hemispheres - Story of a Brain Scientist's Stroke Experience

2008-03-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine shared a link to this 18 minute video clip of brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor, in which she describes her experience of a stroke that allowed her to study her own brain from the inside out. As I watched this video, I felt joy and hope, as my needs for meaning, understanding, inspiration, authenticity, and connection were met.

She describes her experience as her Left brain went dormant due to the stroke, and how her experience of reality changed as she lived solely in her Right brain.

She describes the Right brain as a "Parallel Processor", which builds a collage of pictures of the present moment, and how she experienced herself and everything around her as energy. (I find it helpful to call this side of the brain the symbolic "heart").

She describes the Left brain as a "Serial Processor" in which linear thought takes place, worrying about the past and the future. The Left brain picks out details and details and details about the world, then categorizes, organizes, and associates them with each other. The Left brain thinks through language, and thinks of itself as separate from others and the world. (I find it helpful to call this side of the brain the "mind". This is the place where judgment, criticism, evaluations, and "jackal thoughts" come from).

I was excited to hear her confirm that I have the ability to choose the hemisphere, and that we all have this freedom to choose the side of the brain that will dominate our experience of life and how we relate to each other. She challenges us to discern which hemisphere we choose to live by.

I encourage you to view the video and to comment on your experience or any insights that were stimulated by it.

Snow and Surf Adventure Celebration

2008-03-17T23:41:00.000-07:00

The purpose of this post is to celebrate the beauty and freedom of California, the special connection I have with my son Alex, and the fun that we shared over the weekend.

We had been talking about this for a couple of years. It took lots of planning, lots of self-empathy, and careful execution. My son Alex and I snowboarded and surfed on the same day on Sunday, March 16, 2008. We were expecting snow and rain all weekend. We got both, but were pleasantly surprised…

Everything started with Alex’s Friday arrival at LAX for his spring break vacation with me. His flight arrived a little late ~ 10 PM, after which we were on our way to Big Bear Lakes. Alex slept on the way there, as he was still on central time; we got to our hotel a little before 12:30 AM.

The next morning, Alex noticed a snowboard rental shop across the street from our hotel, so we walked over there for his gear. We got to the mountain shortly after, and realized that the snow was packed and crusty. It can provide some fun, but there’s a high risk of wipe-out (when edges catch on bumps or the board slips out from underneath you). So, on that kind of snow, the safest thing is to go non-stop from start to finish – unless of course you wipe out.

Luckily, a snow storm moved in the area in the afternoon, and dumped enough snow to make it more fun. We woke up to 4 to 6 inches of fresh powder the next morning, along with a clear sunny sky and no wind. It was perfectly beautiful. We were both “stoked” (i.e. feeling joyous, energetic and fulfilled), and celebrated frequently with wild yells and high-fives as we flew past each other on our boards.

Alex was getting his adventurous-play need met by catching air off some jumps. Alex tells me that he was listening to “Cool The Engines” by Boston on his IPod during his first big jump. He was approaching the jump just as the “engines” were warming up at the beginning of the song, and blasted off at the same time that he exploded into the air.

I chose to join in on a few, but also contributed to the memories by taking pictures. It was really fun to follow Alex as he and I took six jumps in a row and nailed the landings on all of them. This is the first time that we’ve been able to jump together one right after another. I had some sad thoughts about my future when I won’t be quite able to keep up with him, but quick self-empathy allowed me to stay in the moments as they presented themselves.

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of fresh snow on a board; it’s almost like gliding on early-morning well-formed right-breaking glassy waves. The sound below the board is like a slowly modulating deep wind blowing through a pine forest, and the experience is almost like flying. When I visualize the feeling, it’s like being high above the clouds and playing on that hilly puffy terrain.

“Ahhhhhhhhhh” gets much closer to describing it; the plain-old-thoughts of the experience are boring in comparison.

So, it was a little painful that we chose to leave the mountain before noon to head to the beach. Alex and I openly talked about our feelings in leaving the mountain. We were sad to leave, but remembered that the bigger adventure had surfing in it. I found myself needing and giving myself empathy as I struggled with the snow chains, both to put them on and take them off (I was feeling anxious because I was wanting safety for us as my Mustang isn’t designed for snow, and feeling some frustration because I was wanting more ease in getting the chains on and off the tires).

On the way out, we stopped by a fast-food restaurant for a “quick” bite, except it wasn’t quick. At first, I found myself thinking of the “workers” as “incompetent, lazy and not-so-bright”. Then, I realized what I was doing to myself, looked inside feeling that I was uptight because I was wanting nourishment, and feeling agitated as I wanted to use my time more efficiently. The food tasted really good after it arrived.

We made it down the mountain as we listened to Pat Metheny’s “Letter From Home” and Yanni Live. As we made it to I-10 West, I put in “Moving Pictures” by Rush, and “Tom Sawyer” invited us to speed up into the fast lane…

We made it home, and managed to unload the car into the garage, and re-load it with the surfing gear in less than 20 minutes. We made it to Doheny State Beach in another 20.

It was sunny when we got to the beach. We put on our wet suits right outside the car, and started walking towards the water. On the way, we saw a police woman writing up a parking ticket. We asked her if she’d be willing to take our picture, which ended up being our first picture at the beach.

The waves were not very big; maybe 2 to 3 feet on the face, but most weren’t breaking until pretty close to shore. Our goal was to catch a few waves before the dark ominous clouds that were behind us would catch up to us (waves are pretty hard to catch with those conditions). Alex was telling me how disappointed he was feeling at the wave conditions, and that he didn’t think that we were going to be able to catch any waves. I told him: “I bet you $5 that I’ll catch a wave”. He looked at me and smiled as he thought of the $5 he had lost to me at Black Jack the night before. (Alex had dealt me an Ace and a Queen unannounced as I was trying to read a book. I had seized the moment to “teach” him something about gambling; sort of a “Kairos” moment. He mentioned that $5 he lost several times the following day).

Then, just a few seconds later, a bit of a swell appeared a couple hundred feet away – it looked good to me, so I encouraged Alex to start paddling and so did I. And, surprise! We both caught the wave, and I managed to take a picture of Alex as he was standing up on his board. I was ecstatic, elated and giddy -> feeling “stoked” as our adventure was complete.

Cowabunga!

We stayed out a little longer. We were drifting south towards some rocks near shore, so I suggested that we paddle in for a little rest. We were both pretty tired from all of the effort; we rested a bit and decided to head home just as the sky began to turn dark. By the time that we got to the car, droplets of water were falling on us.

Alex set up a towel covering for the backseat of my convertible as the rain started to come down. On the way home, we listened to the “Spirit of Radio”, “Free Will” and “Jacob’s Ladder” by Rush. The “freedom of music” matched our current mood. Our journey was complete. I am alive!

On the Hearts of Men

2008-03-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

I recently was reminded of how "intellectual" my dialogs with men tend to be as I was reading blog entries in a site that I discovered recently. I was also reminded of how disconnected from my heart I was a few years back, and how this is a trend that I experience with other men as well. I can remember when I first participated in an introduction to NVC practice group in the Spring of 2002, how difficult the concepts were for me to grasp (i.e. how to give empathy and honesty) and how small a vocabulary of feelings and needs I had at the time. I really struggled to actively participate in the group; I was embarrassed and anxious because I was wanting more ease and clarity in how I communicated. I was so clueless at the time, that it wasn't until the Spring of 2007 that it all made sense (i.e. the light bulbs came "on"). My strategy for expanding my vocabulary of feelings was to put my feeling charts on my refrigerator and stare and study them a couple of times a day. The concept of needs came more naturally for me as I practiced NVC in groups.

~~~~So, why does the "Heart" matter? Why should men care about their hearts? ~~~~

From where I sit now, I feel awkward to have to motivate a desire for living from the heart, but I remember quite clearly how foreign the "heart stuff" was to me as I lived in a mind filled with analysis, judgment, comparison, evaluation. I received really good training at school, especially while getting my degrees in electrical engineering specializing in communication systems (ironic, isn't it?). At least from my own standpoint, I can safely say that I experience a lot of joy as I actively pursue strategies to meet my needs for authenticity, meaning, contribution and connection as I integrate this other part of me. This blog contains samples of what it looks like for me now. It's a lot more fun than just living in my head! I enjoy life more fully as I have learned to live connected to the heart, while my mind is still functioning (Using the mind never really goes away, but I am now using both hemispheres, not just one).

A few externally-sourced motivators:

* St. Iraneus, one of the main contributors to selecting which books of the Holy Bible were "inspired" and which were not once said, "The glory of God is man fully alive."

* "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Proverbs 4:23)

* "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." (Matthew 5:9)

* One of the books which has brought me great joy and inspiration, as it met my needs for authenticity, meaning and learning about the heart is "The Journey of Desire - Searching for the Life We've Only Dreamed Of" by John Eldredge. It is filled with inspirational quotes motivating a life lived from the desires of the heart. It is written from the perspective of a Christ follower, but I think would translate well to other NVC practicing giraffes. (Desire is similar to a need in the NVC world, though desire seems to go deeper into longing).

* I ran into a very interesting blog posting by Dan Tochinni titled "God as Conversation", partly based on a translation of John 1 which uses Erasmus' concept of the Greek "Logos" as "conversation". I find some truth and meaning in the experience that the "heart of Christ" comes alive and present when two or more people are engaged in a heartfelt dialog in which they are connecting deeply; this is what I call it when it happens to me. The translation ends with "To be invited to share in a Conversation about the nature of life, was for them, a glorious opportunity not to be missed."

~~~~ Hypothesis: Men have a difficult time connecting to their hearts, and engaging in conversation from this place ~~~~

Conversely, that women generally have an easier time connecting from the heart than men.

To support this point, I offer a few observations. In this blog, which is about communicating through the heart and mind, around 10% of the comments come from men, 90% from women. At an NVC intensive training I attended last December, only 30% were men to 70% of women.

John Eldredge mentions in his book "Wild At Heart" how the hearts of men have been under attack for many thousands of years. The theologian Walter Wink in his book "The Powers That Be" talks about our culture of domination, which contributes to people living disconnected from their hearts, and become easier to manipulate. Marshall Rosenberg talks frequently how violence is more likely from people disconnected from their feelings and needs, and who are educated to create static "enemy images" of people who are somehow different from themselves (i.e. people disconnected from their own hearts and the hearts of others).

Not caring for now about the real source of the issue for men, can we at least agree that there is something for men to consider here? Would any men care to comment on their experiences in matters of the heart? (still ok for women to comment). Or is this issue about the same for women? Is this generalization helpful or not?

Another Evening of Connecting - Wells of Joy and Sorrow

2008-03-02T10:47:00.000-08:00

A few friends got together again on Friday night with the purpose of connecting. Some of us started off by making a few requests for the evening, as to what we would like to have happen (i.e. what strategies we'd like to employ to meet some of our needs). So, we danced around the living room, rotating in a circle in the spirit of the Jewish tradition as we listened to children's music. (This dancing bit spontaneously started last time that we met, and some of us wanted it to continue -- so we did). Our youngest participant (only 2 years old) danced in place with a couple of shakers in hand. The rest of us picked up tambourines, drums, triangles and other percussion like instruments, and shook-rattled-drummed as we danced, each one of us behind one another.

After a couple of songs, with our hearts pounding, we sat down scattered around floor pillows and couches for some connecting time. For us, that means having everyone in the group share about how their week unfolded while the rest of us offer empathy (i.e. listening for their feelings and needs) and occasionally honesty (i.e. expressing what we are feeling and what needs are being met by what we heard the other person say). We expressed a desire to have everyone share before 10 PM (when some of us start getting sleepy), and asked people to limit their sharing to 5-10 minutes? We haven't quite figured out how to put limits on sharing, but we were able to get to everyone this time.

Before the sharing began, one of our music enthusiasts played a couple of classical pieces and asked us to draw and/or express what came up for us. I immediately interpreted the music as sad (I experienced sadness), and I drew a cloud passing over a valley with tears falling from it into a vast and deep well, which looked more like a lake (see picture). To the right of the well were the "Green Rolling Hills" from my prior poem.

After the musical part, we went around the room and everyone chose what they wanted to talk about (i.e. the art, their week). The sharing of one particular person resonated with me as she spoke of her pain and how in her experience it had given her a capacity for joy that she wouldn't have otherwise. I was touched by what she shared as it met my needs for authenticity, connection, and shared experience. -- particularly, since my drawing and the start of my poem coincided so powerfully with what I was hearing. And then she read a poem by Kahlil Gibran's "The Prophet" called "On Joy and Sorrow". Her sharing and poem coincided in spirit with the drawing and poem that I had started earlier. The start of my poem -- the words that I wrote under my picture that evening are the following:

"Sweet hopeful sadness which feeds the well
which runs deep inside
energized sadness gives me life
as I feel the pain inside me"

"Remembering the times which are no more
I am glad that I am here, and yet I am drawn to what was"

This is all that I wrote that evening; and like last time, I woke up the next morning and finished the poem and sent it out to my friends. I am willing to send a copy by request, provided that you agree to keep it to yourself.

Has this moved anything in you?

My Inspiration and Fear

2008-02-28T08:58:00.000-08:00

I am often inspired by things that I read. For example, I am reading Marshall's book in Spanish, and was reminded of one of Rumi's sayings:

* "Más allá de las ideas de actuar bien y actuar mal, se extiende un campo. Allí nos encontraremos".

("Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.")

I would enjoy hearing of other people's inspirational sayings and quotes from whatever traditions, philosophies and cultures they arise. Would you be willing to share them here with a "comment"?

I am often inspired by things I read in texts that I grew up with; even though the words had not come alive for me until more recently.

I am feeling sad and perhaps a little frustrated that there is so much judgment in so many areas of my culture, in my own mind (i.e. 'Jackals'), within various communities I belong to, as I am wanting more acceptance of differing opinions and a more authentic dialog of the issues in a heart connecting way. Actually, what I would like is more of a focus on similarities -- to build bridges -- than in differences -- which tend to build walls and isolate. Yes, there are differences between people and groups, and some of them are important. But wouldn't it be more fun if we were able to connect on our similarities first?

I guess that part of my frustration is with wanting to integrate a couple of areas of my life and the communities of people in them, and being afraid of judgment in both of them. I desire authenticity and wholeness in my life, but I am feeling some fear and anxiety at living them and expressing myself fully. I suppose that is part of the purpose of this blog; to help me in the process of integration.

Lately, I've been finding inspiration in chapters 5, 6, and 7 of the 'good news' according to the book of Matthew, and seeing ways in which I can practice these principles in my life through Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Here are a few of which I would like to share here:

* Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted
* Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy
* Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God
* Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God
* If you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift at the altar and be reconciled with your brother. Settle matters quickly with your adversary.
* Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes', and your 'No', 'No'
* Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you
* Do not judge
* Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
* First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye
* Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you
* For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened
* Do to others what you would have them do to you
* Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.

So, I am finding NVC to be a discipline that helps me to live consistently with my beliefs, in a way that is respectful of others and gives me a way to practice being more loving and authentic.

Has any of this stirred anything in you?

Green Rolling Hills

2008-02-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

Last night, I got together with a few friends, as we often do, with the intention of connecting and building community. My friend Garret brought in some music to help us go deeper, and to be known. He gave us a pens and paper and asked us to express what is coming up for us as the music played. Afterwards, we were to consider sharing whatever came up with the group.

As soon as the music started, I became aware of how it helped me to get in touch with my heart. I felt free and safe enough to go deep. Immediately, I began to see green rolling hills in which we could all play. I drew the image of hills intersecting each other (similar to the picture at left and below), and then the words began to flow. Everyone else finished within 5 minutes of the second song, and yet I had much more to express. So, I shared what I could with the group, and went home that evening for a deep sleep. I woke up this morning excited, as I still had the rest of that heart stuff ready to come out. I made a fresh cup of coffee, and I sat down to write. And five pages later, I came to a place where it felt complete. And I have chosen to share it here in the comment below. I would love hearing if anything in it moves you in any way, as it would meet my needs for support, community, contribution.

ps. I searched the web for pictures that captured what I was seeing, and came up with some photos from Quang-Tuan Luong at http://www.terragalleria.com. He gave me permission to share them with you.

Hiking Adventure in Mexico

2008-02-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

I went to an orphanage in Mexico East of Ensenada this weekend. On the way there, I was totally mesmerized by the beauty of the coastline. My excitement must have shown because Carlos, our driver offered to stop the van so that I could snap a few pictures -- which you can see in the link to this post.

The highlight of this trip was taking the older boys on a hike along a creek to a natural swimming pool that formed because of the recent rains in the area. The weather was really phenomenal, lots of sun, a cool breeze, almost no clouds, and the air seemed more clear than usual.

Our plan was to get all the boys together after lunch and go. Only problem was that lunch ran a couple of hours late this month, so a few people were not able to go that wanted to. So, shortly after 3 PM, twelve of us set out to go on the hike; a few boys joined us later. It's really not like what you'd think of a hike in the US; there were few actual trails to walk on, no trail-head, no maps, and most of our initial hike was on the rocky banks of a creek.

Many of the boys quickly tired of the rocky embankment, and went in for the water. In fact, most of the playing around started almost immediately that we got near the water, as many couldn't stand being near it and not be in it. I realized at this point that the adventure and fun had started, and decided to get my camera out of my backpack even as I tried to keep up with the boys pace. I chose not to get wet, as I had some things that I wanted to keep dry, like my boots, socks, pants, shirt, backpack and my camera. Funny that I was thinking that I didn't have my "water gear". The boys didn't seem to care what they were wearing, and went for the water.

I was a little saddened by some of the trash that I saw along the way, as it seemed to be in stark contrast with the inherent beauty of the area, and the joy-filled playful spirits of the children on the hike.

Much of the play on the way was about splashing each other, and tackling some of their friends into the creek. They really seemed to be having fun -- even after some were "helped" under water, they'd all come out with huge smiles on their faces. The water was very cold, but luckily, the sun was out.

Every now and then, we'd get to a barbed wire fence in which the boys would make a comment about it being "propriedad privada" or private property, and we'd decide as a group to either go through it or go around the fence, if it was possible. In one case, we ran out of options and had to cross the knee deep creek to get to our "trail."

After crossing the creek because it was getting too steep on our side, we made it to an area which had some really large boulders, and the creek widened and deepened enough for for a natural pool to form. We had arrived to our first destination. A few of us, myself included, couldn't help our attraction to the boulders, so we climbed on top of them (as a rock climber, I estimated the penalty factor to be "moderate" -- i.e. we could do it with reasonable safety and max enjoyment -- a calculated risk that I take with my son Alex all the time). The rest went for the water in a big way. The original plan was to keep the boys dry -- right! That plan was out the first five minutes of the hike. But, I didn't expect them to go swimming, nor what came next.

One of the boulders was large enough to climb, and was close enough to the deep end of the pool. I must admit that my anxiety level rose high, but the orphanage leaders (paid staff) seemed comfortable and confident of the situation. They made sure that the boys that didn't know how to swim stayed in the shallow area, and that the pool was deep enough for jumping. So, after catching my breath and seeing the beauty of the moment, I started snapping some action shots.
And we took a few group photos before leaving the area. Sadly, our late start limited the amount of time we could spend out there, as the sun was going to start dropping soon. I made a point to rally the troops to get back to camp by 5 PM (I had a head lamp and spare flashlight in case they were needed). Of course, we weren't about to take the same way home. We had to visit the mines on the way back...

We had to go through several barbed wire fences. I was happy to know that the owner of the land had a son Juan that was a friend of a few of the boys. He showed up with his dog, posed for a picture, and told us that we could come back any time.

I noticed that several of the boys had picked up sticks along the way. Once we crossed into an open field with some mud and some dried out cow cakes, the boys used their sticks to fling dung back and forth at each other. It was fun to watch, but glad I wasn't the target.

We all made it back to the orphanage, healthy, recharged, and "stoked". I'm feeling gratefully joyous at having contributed to organizing this event. I am finding meaning through serving at the orphanage, and having fun at the same time. I am hoping to contribute NVC to them somehow in the future, but I guess, I already am.

I'd enjoy hearing if anything in here moved you in any way.

Found a "New" Trail

2008-02-03T20:03:00.000-08:00

It's been raining for most of today in Southern California, but yesterday was close to beautiful for most of the afternoon as the sun peeked through the clouds every now and then. I am grateful to have discovered a "new" trail this weekend. Actually, the trail has been there all along. I have driven by the trail head at least 3 times per week for the past five years, and I never really noticed it before. I had seen the signs, the fence, the parking spots, and people walking out of it, but it didn't "click" for me until last week that there was another hiking opportunity within minutes of my home. I am surmising that I hadn't really noticed because I am usually in a hurry to get somewhere when I travel this particular route. Being in a hurry, it seems, bypasses the part of my brain that plans fun stuff. I am feeling a little anxious at not knowing what other things I have been missing.

I am finding this to be the case also in conversation. If I go too fast, I may miss important information from the other person, and miss opportunities to increase connection and understanding. And, perhaps more importantly, if I go too fast I may react without checking inside to do my own heart inventory (listening for my own feelings and needs), increasing the chances of a failed connection. My growth edge is to continue to slow down, check in with myself (clearing the dreaded 'plank' out of my own eye) before responding to other people.

I guess that finding new trails is another advantage to slowing down, and noticing what is happening around me -- and maybe even choosing to participate in it. So, after hiking 3-4 miles on unknown trails, I made it to the top of the hill that led back to the parking lot and ran into the flower below. It was brilliantly-orange and yellow, looking like a mini-sun growing out of the ground (the shot was taken close to an hour after picked). I walked past it at first, and began celebrating its beauty about 4 steps after I first saw it; I went back for a closer look. I would have just left it on the hill to go on shinning, but I had left my camera at home. I hope you enjoy it too.

Would you be willing to comment on what you are feeling after reading this?

Celebrating Play

2008-02-01T00:29:00.000-08:00

I have been appreciating the beauty of "play", and how my son Alex so clearly lives it. When he plays, he seems to be getting lots of other needs met at the same time. Of course, it's fun for me to join in too, but sometimes I just sit back and watch; other times I take pictures. So, I decided to share a small sample of my life of play with him in the slide-show to the right. I would enjoy hearing what play means to other people. Do these images stir up anything in you?

The Wave Metaphor

2008-02-01T00:19:00.000-08:00

I like to use waves as a symbol for needs, and the "gift energy of love" behind them from our creator. They are also a gift because they are the part of us that gives us the experience of being alive. The challenge then becomes how to catch the wave so that we can all surf -- to connect. This metaphor is powerful because surfing requires presence and balancing on the board. If I am feeling sad while focused on the past, or located too far back on the board, I will not catch the wave. If I am feeling anxious about the future, and too far forward on the board, I'll pearl -- which means to have the nose sink in the water and "wipe out" (falling off the board) -- possibly leading to feelings of shame and embarrassment as your surf buddies laugh it out (as their own needs for entertainment are met). To continue the metaphor, catching the wave is done through empathy and honesty, which are the basic tools which I am offering through coaching.

So, as we listen empathetically for what's alive in ourselves and in others, and express our honesty in ways that are respectful of others and true to ourselves, we can begin to experience the freedom that comes from letting go of our strategies. Strategies, which are "the means used to" meet needs are often confused with the needs themselves (the ends). This distinction is extremely important, and is referenced in the saying "the means do not justify the ends".

I have found that it is helpful to celebrate the beauty of our needs and the needs of others. Since we are usually not taught to value our needs, we may experience some resistance to valuing them.

As we open ourselves to this level of shared awareness and responsibility, we begin to feel compassion, opening the door to creatively explore common strategies which are more likely to meet our needs with more enjoyment and less cost.

Challenge of Believing vs. Living it

2008-01-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I met with other giraffes (just a playful name for someone who practices NVC), and in our group interaction, we ran into the challenge of 'believing in a way of life' vs. 'living it' (i.e. when the words do not match the actions or life of the people involved). In this context, my experience is that our group had a little of both aspects present in the group, so we were able to talk about them after one of our participants voiced her concern (i.e. honesty) that her needs for connection were not being met, and she was feeling sad and disappointed.

What happened was a few of us (yes, I was one of them) got excited about some historical cases in which the words expressed or written were confused with the original meaning intended, resulting in lots of violence. As a sample of the dialog, I had just reminded the group of Marshall's quote of "don't confuse the map with the territory." So, in short, the emphasis of that part of the dialog was on thinking and analyzing the intricacies of NVC, and the interactions between people were mostly intellectual. And this was not meeting the needs of one of the participants, and she spoke up (i.e. using NVC by giving her honesty in a way in which she made an observation without judgment, stated her feelings and needs, and made a request of the group). The group responded with empathy, where we listened and echoed back to her what we were hearing in her heart (i.e. her feelings and needs), and then we came up with some strategies in which all of our needs could get met.

So, by her speaking her honesty to the group, she contributed to all of us getting our focus back on living the practice of communicating from the heart through NVC. And we were all happy that she did, and there's a chance that this group of people will meet again. She shared afterwards how scary it was for her to express her honesty, as she was wanting safety and acceptance. I must admit that there are times when giving honesty is also scary for me; I am sure that this topic will come up again.

In making this blog entry, I am excited because this meets my needs for authenticity, contribution and meaning. I have run into this sort of challenge of belief vs. living the belief in other circles. I am curious if anyone else has run into this challenge, and I would also like to know if anything I said stimulated anything in you (if so, please 'comment')?

Starting to Build Community

2008-01-26T10:27:00.000-08:00

One of my desires is for building community. To help create a "place" where my needs and other people's needs for authenticity, mutuality, acceptance, understanding, learning and connection are met. Not just any group of people will do; I have learned that it really helps if everyone involved is aware, values and desires to have these needs met, without judgment.

Last night, a bunch of my friends got together with the intention of creating community. I suggested that everyone state which needs they were bringing to the group. After each person shared the needs alive for them, each of us listed some ways in which we thought these needs could be met (i.e. we listed our strategies). There were lots of similar needs voiced: to be heard, empathy, celebration and connection, so it wasn't difficult to come up with a strategy that met everyone's needs.

One of the first strategies suggested was to go around the room, and ask each person how their week went, and the group would offer empathy to that person. For example, if I was giving empathy to someone, I would listen for the speaker's feelings and needs and ask them if this is what they were experiencing. It usually took the form of "are you feeling ____ because you are needing ____?". While empathy doesn't have to exactly follow that form, it is a simple way to remember it and apply it.

Another strategy that was suggested was prayer, which is making clear requests to the creator and sometimes to each other, while at the same time celebrating what is alive and good, and inviting others to participate in this celebration. Sometimes, mourning is part of prayer, where we openly express what we are feeling, and we acknowledge the need that wasn't met, but always making a clear request to what is desired. I remember thinking to myself that there is much more abundance in the requests to have needs met than in making requests to have strategies fulfilled.

I was reminded of the similarities between the group prayer and our "Celebrations and Mournings" sessions at the NVC intensive training, which we had every evening after all of the sessions were complete. I recall that this was also a time for people to make clear and present requests to the group for ways in which we could get our needs met, and sometimes strategies were also proposed by the group.

My longing for a place I could call "home" came up last night, as I listened to one of my friends share about her own longing for a safe and enduring place to connect. As I started to give her empathy, I started to feel my own sadness around this issue. She expressed that she was feeling some anxiety at going deeper, and at noticing my sadness, she invited me to share my stuff. I began to talk about my longings for a safe place, in which I could be myself, and be accepted for who I am -- without judgment. I talked about my longings for a place to be heard and understood, a place where I could be creative and contribute to other people's lives in unique ways, and to have my contribution acknowledged and celebrated when needs were met. I talked about my need for deep honesty, in which I could say whatever is in my heart, to have it be listened to without judgment, to help me find the "light" in whatever is going on. I talked about my desire to share my "jackals", and regrets that I have at things that I have done in the past, which I would now do differently, and still be accepted and loved by the group. As I was sharing these things, my eyes watered up a bit and she came to sit next to me. She didn't say anything for a while, but I was sensing from her actions that she felt understood and connected to me. In this case at least, she didn't need to use words. And after a while, neither did I.

I would enjoy knowing if anything I've said here has stimulated anything in you. If so, and it would meet your needs, would you be willing to post a "comment" here to share it?

Getting Started

2008-01-23T08:49:00.000-08:00

"Hello World!"
This is what I usually create in my other world of software engineering with any new application I develop. This is my first post for this blog, and so it seems appropriate. I woke up this morning around 5 AM, and could not fall back asleep, so I got out of bed and went for a long walk. It was still dark outside. The first thing I noticed to my right was a very large and bright full moon, which made the street and buildings around me glow with a soft cool glimmer of light. I also noticed how calm everything was, and how much cleaner the air felt on my face. I didn't really know where I was going, nor how far I was going to walk -- I just felt the urge to do it. So, I did. I was happy to be walking so early, as I've been wanting more exercise, fresh air, and some freedom from the daily routine. It was a meditative experience, as my mind is focused on putting one foot after the other, and making sure I don't get run over by cars, it stayed focused on doing the walking and keeping me safe. So, with my mind busy, the rest of me could relax and enjoy the experience of exploring the morning, and soaking in all of the beauty in my neighborhood.

I've been excited about this new relational technology I've found called "non-violent communications" or NVC by Marshall Rosenberg. I am searching for ways to live it and share it, while experiencing a more authentic and satisfying connection with people.

I am eager to get more involved in this compassionate relating, and yet still, I have a day job that takes care of my needs for financial support. I am also feeling anxious about spending more time and energy here, as I am wanting more clarity for how to proceed next. Creating this blog is one of the first steps I am taking today.

I am a little frustrated with this user interface, as I am wanting more ease of use, flexibility and clarity on how to display what I want. I don't even know if this is what I want to say here, but here it is -- plain and simple. I guess this is enough ramblings for the moment. I am grateful to be in this place, as I've finally found my voice, and my needs for meaning and contribution are being met at the moment. So long for now.
Best Regards,
James